I am scum....

I am scum....
P

PAS

Registrant
Hi Everyone -

I did something this morning that was lower than dirt.. I read my bf's journal. I have done so before but promised not to do it again and here I go doing it again. he had left it on my couch in my apartment (we dont live together) and here it was 3am and I wasn't sleeping again.. feeling paranoid upon awaking at 2am and here I go prying into his privacy. yep.. I violated the privacy of somoene who has already been so violated. And I read some things that made me feel even worse than I did when I awoke from my abusive-ex-boyfriend-nightmare at 2am this morning.

I admit I have my own problems which I am addressing that "drive me" to do this (my own abuse issues - difficult to trust that ANYONE would love me - to me love and hate and abuse and betrayal are so entwined I cant tell if someone is screwing me around or not) My bf and I have had so many destructive fights lately and THEN we go and discuss marriage (even have an appointment to custom-design our wedding rings this week!!) that I just had to know what was going on in his head... it is difficult to flip flop from "I hate you and never want to marry you" to "Lets go pick our wedding rings". I am SOOOOOOO confused!!!!

Also part of me is paranoid, knowing that he has been sexually abused, and wondering if he has been keeping secrets from me... some kind of sexual compulsion, etc - I travel a lot and wonder what he does when I'm away... and I find it hard that he's not severely suffering (sexually) from all of what he went through. Of course I read a few things that I didnt like in his journal (intensesly sexualizing certain women that he sees around town from time to time) however there was nothing that really should alarm me - hell I see some guys around town that get me all hot and bothered from time to time too... I even dream some pretty x-rated dreams about them sometimes. My bf and I have discussed all the difficult-to-handle parts of his past before so none of this was a surprise.

Anyhow I felt bad that I read his journal and I did tell him and he was angry. However, part of me wonders why, for someone who wants to intensely guard his privacy, why the (*&)(*& does he leave his journal in really OBVIOUS places if he doesnt want me to read it!!!!!!!!! He just seems to "accidentally" leave it in my apartment in really obvious places on a very frequent basis - it just seems odd. And right after he does it he goes "oh I left my journal at your place.. did YOU READ IT?????????

I'm wondering if part of him does want me to find it and read it and tell him that despite his deepest darkest secrets I still accept him.. or maybe he is testing me... I wonder... I did tell him that I don't judge anything in there and he has a right to all his feelings and it serves me right if I found something hard to take. That's just my punishment for reading something I shouldn't have.

Anyhow I feel really ashamed and dont feel like spending much time with him right now - had a hard time looking him in the eye when we discussed this this morning (after reading his journal I went over to his place and slept on the couch for an hour or two - just couldnt handle being at my place with his journal.. sometimes I feel better listening to him snore in the next room).

I just hate myself for not being able to be stronger in the face of suffering years of abuse and betrayal (by so called "loved ones") that I have to be so paranoid and insecure. Why can't I give him the privacy he needs? Its just so hard sometimes his SA takes such precedence in our life that I feel my issues are trivial - and they are not.. my abuse went on for 20 years (from my dad and then I continued it with choosing bad boyfriends) and it still affects me....

I dont know why I felt I had to post this on here - just a sucker for punishment that's all. Maybe I'm just looking for someone to tell me I'm not so shitty.. just hurt and scared. I dont know. Anyhow I guess I"m just rambling - feel free to blast me for what I have done. I'm lower than dog shit for reading his journal and I know it.

Soccer
 
Nah. you are not loswer than dirt. I admisre the fact that you could be honest enough with him to tell him that you did it. Everyone has a right to privacy though....I kow that my man doens't like to have his property invaded. He is very possessive of his belongings becuase he has veen voilated so many times in his life. You might be right, he might be testing you, to see if you would invade his privacy...Since you have issues with him leaving his journal at your place, why don't you just sit him down and explain your position. Tell him abaout your own insecurities and flaws and how you don't want to violate his privacy, but leaving his journal at your place makes it difficult. If you tell him this, with the the love, honesty and vulnerability that resides in your heart, I don't see any reason that he would have a problem with that...they are simply your feelings and you have a right to them too. Ask him not to leave his journal around your home so that you don't have to deal with the temptation of looking at it in your times of weakness. I think we can all identify with the feeling of wanting to know what going on inside our mate's head (and this goes across the board in any relationship), so it doesn't make you horrible or terrible becuase you read it. It wasn't right, but don't beat yourself up about it...what good is that going to do? Use this as an opportunity to open up the lines of communication between you and your man. It sounds like the two of you are thinking of embarking an a very serious committment. Are you all in counseling? Any couples therapy going on? I think that tools are really important. They help you to cope appropriately in tough situations...sounds like you might need some tools for yourself as you deal with your own childhood issues....

Just a couple of my thoughts
 
PAS - You are too hard on yourself. There is a book that may put some things in perspective. It is called " The emotionally abused Woman" by Beverly Engel. It might help sort through some of your feelings. Take it easy on yourself.

Peace,
Freedom.
 
PAS
You couldn't resist it........

Who could ?

C'mon - be honest here - who could resist ?

The important thing is to get past it, it's done and can't be undone. You've talked about it and that's the hardest part.
Perhaps he was leaving it about for you to see and read ? He might not have done it conciously either.

My wife read my journal, and discovered that I had acted out with other guys. I had written this in very graphic detail as well so there was no way I could bullshit my way out of it.

I had been transferring parts of my journal from floppy disc to desktop and back to floppy to sort out a full disc. And I'd left the copy on the desktop.
My T questioned whether I'd done it deliberatly / unconciously and I say "no" ; but would I know if it was such an unconcious decision ?

My wife was more distraught about her feelings of betrayal at having read my journal than the fact I was giving bj's to strangers !
Can you imagine how confused we both felt as we discussed this ?

But for us it had a good result, this was the beginning of our 'No Secrets' pact that's been our major support ever since.

As survivors we believe with such conviction that the things we have done, still do, will revolt everyone so much we will be rejected. So we hide stuff.

To look, like you and my wife did, is human nature.
What you did, what you might have discovered, isn't the important thing. What you do with that knowledge is.

Dave
 
You asked a great question: why does he bring his journal to your place?

Bob
 
I have to agree here. If he doesn't want you to read his journal, then he should 1)leave it at home. and 2)keep it locked up when he 'is' at home.

Gotta wonder...
 
Dave - What a lucky guy you are! I am somewhat envious of you and your wife's relationship. For her to react in the way she did was truly marvelous. The fact you could talk about the journal rather than come under fire is refreshing. Thanks for sharing!!!

BTW - looking in personal journals? You can try to discover motives but why? It was there, you looked, it's done. Now what will you do with the information? What have you learned from the way you feel? What will you do differently next time, if anything? How do you plan to put those changes (if any) into practice? :confused:

Howard
 
Dave - What a lucky guy you are! I am somewhat envious of you and your wife's relationship. For her to react in the way she did was truly marvelous. The fact you could talk about the journal rather than come under fire is refreshing. Thanks for sharing!!!

BTW - looking in personal journals? You can try to discover motives but why? It was there, you looked, it's done. Now what will you do with the information? What have you learned from the way you feel? What will you do differently next time, if anything? How do you plan to put those changes (if any) into practice? :confused:

Howard
 
PAS,
I have to agree with everyone else. Yes it may have been wrong for you to read it, but how could you not. I think I would have if I was in the same place you were. What is important here is that you told him you did it. And now you both can learn and grow out of it. I agree tell him that when he leaves it at your house the temtation to read it is to greast and ask him not to leave it anymore. You may have to help him with this. And I agree you both should be seeing couples "t", if you are talking about getting married a "t" will help you learn how to talk to each other, plus there may be some thing that he or even you would like to share with the other but dont know how or are scared of how the other will take it. A "t" will help ya'll understand how to express yourselves in a heathly way so you have a better chance at the marrage working. PAS stop beating yourself up, you owned your mistake. That is all you can do. You cant change what happened, all you can change is right now. So be good to you, for your sake not his.
Best of luck.
James
 
Thanks everyone for your replies - we did talk about this and the BF is getting better with it - the first day he was really mad but now he's not exactly happy but he isn't spitting mad anymore. he does understand why I read it - trust is a big issue for me and I have a hard time trusting anyone - he didnt take it too personally. We actually did talk about some things in the journal that bothered me so I do feel better about him/us.

I do wonder though for someone who finds this so important why he does casually leave it around in places where I coudl find it. He does bring it to my house to write in it before bed on the days he sleeps over, and sometimes forgets it there - however, you'd think he'd guard it with his life if he was that concerned about his privacy.. anyhow.. thats a mystery that i am not sure i will solve.

We do have a good network of support - individual and couples T so we are not left hanging with these issues unresolved. In fact we were discussing marriage last year but we put it off for a year to deal with issues.

Thanks everyone... I feel a bit better but still not great. I am still upset at what I did, as well I am really scared now as I just have to trust him words instead of finding out "for sure" what he thinks in his journal. I highly doubt that I'll get away with reading it again without some serious repercussions so its definitely something I wont do again.
 
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