I am scared

I am scared
R

riviera

Registrant
***may contain triggers***
Hi

Last night my boyfriend accessed repressed memories, feelings and emotions. He was very closed to his inner child but he could not reach him in full. He reckons is dead and nothing can be done. He feels lost, devastated and doesnt know who he is. He feels this is just the tip of the iceberg. He confessed that he had the need of hurting and destroying himself. But he didn't. Instead he talked and cried for hours... after he felt better and calmer.

There was a lot of anger and then immense sadness and loneliness were uncovered . No hope at one stage. He knows that all are feelings that belong to the PAST and yet they are so vivid NOW. The good thing is that he acknowledges and allows them to come out even though it hurts both.

I am scared and yet I totally trust him when he says that he won't do it but he'd love to self-mutilate and he talks about disappearing for ever.
Does this correspond to healing? Where are we? I am totally heart broken for him. I have seen him changing many behaviours (like no more self-destruction, expressing emotions, etc) but every time there is a step back is so hard... or is it a tough step forward??

Need to find answers.
H
 
Forgot if you said he's in therapy, but it's going to be very tough without it. Many people with PTSD self-injure: here's a link to a website for you to review. Also, check the website for the Sidran Foundation & look in their list of publications - there's a terrific workbook about self-injury that might help your bf to reconsider.


https://crystal.palace.net/~llama/selfinjury/
 
H

Your boyfriend has a great support in you; you are clearly compassionate and dedicated to seeing him heal.

What he needs are tools, and knowledge. It isn't enough just to realize that certain behaviors are destructive or that overwhelming emotions are rooted in the past; he needs to find new behaviors and emotions to take their place. Otherwise he will "get out" the old stuff just to have it come rushing back in. Therapy might really help him with this.

Take care of yourself, H, and if you believe his self-harm is getting out of hand, please don't hesitate to call for help.

SAR
 
Hi SAR

That is my main objective at the moment. But he is still so against therapy. That's why I bought him the book victims no longer and he is reading it and questioning many things. In the meantime I have decided I am going to buy him a notebook where he can write what he feels. And I am going to do that myself as well.
Reading what things trigger certain emotions and how old learnt behaviours come up might show him that he needs something else to not get stuck in the old emotions circle. Until he sees it for himself I can't but wait.

Thanks

H
 
It might well be a stereotype, but Spanish men do have a reputation of being macho, and perhaps it's that feeling that's causing his resistance to therapy? But I guess all us men all suffer from the macho crap!

Sometimes we also seem to have reach rock bottom before we can even start to climb out of our own particular hole, it's as though we need to see what it's like.

Support, love and trust is all you can do though, but that's worth everything to guys like me.
It's not easy, but he's worth it because your making such an effort to help him.

Dave
 
Lloydy
Thanks for your post.

I agree with you about the Spanish man but my boyfriend is Irish and hates very much the "macho" crap. Here he is surrounded by it though, which he complains very much about.
I think that his point against therapy is that he hates talking to a stranger, he hates the "time is up" thing, and in the end they do it for the money so he reckons that all he has improved in 6 months would have taken a year with a therapist $$$$$. He went to therapy for about a year in Ireland (that was about 8-9 years ago). He told me that the day he finally opened up about certain parts of the abuse, his therapist said they had to stop cause she had another patient to see... "Time up". He was crying his eyes out, totally devastated cause it was the first time telling his secret and then she asks him to leave...She called his sister who went to pick him up and he said at that point he just wanted to die... He complained they did not have a recovery room or anything and he had to go out to the outside world completely devastated inside. Even though this happened he still went for more therapy sessions which shows he was willing to heal. Tough thing that I believe has traumatised him.

Yesterday he went to work, after we met and went for tapas. He told me he does not feel bad and feels as if he had a "shower" that cleansed a lot inside. He feels relieved. And every time he has had a crisis or as he called last night, a mental "throwing up", the day after he feels much better. He can see things from a different perspective and he is so grateful I was there to listen and to support him even though he knows I hurt too. Which in a way is another thing he has changed. He used to hide all these to avoid hurting anybody.
He feels very good that even though he really wanted he did not go drinking or destroying himself. I think his current "new" tool is talking about it and purging himself, trying to understand what happened, his feelings...

I totally believe in him and that's why I will be there for him no matter what.

H
 
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