i am scared: TRIGGER TRIGGER

i am scared: TRIGGER TRIGGER
theo

theo

Registrant
i have just written 20 pages in my journal about things i have been struggling lately. i am still writing more, but i need to take a break. i am scared. it is all right there. everything i have tried to keep at a distance is right there and i can't hold it off anymore. i see little theo being brutalized by her, her husband, the church. i see little theo's pain and anguish at seeing someone he loved brutalized for something he did. i feel the pain, and taste the hell. it is all right there and i don't want to do it. how can i face what mom did to me? what do i tell little theo as we relive this again and again? what can i tell him when he is still there going through this? how can i face this with him? i amscared. i don't want to face all of this. i don't want to see who was brutalized because of me. i don't want to see mom doing what she did to me. i just don't. but if i don't then i will lose everyhting i have gained. what do i tell little theo when he is being forced to do that filthy thing? i am scared. how do you comfort a four year old who is being brutalized? nothing is safe anymore. i am so very tired. i try so hard to stay balanced. i try so hard to keep perspective. i try so hard, but it is all right there. i can't fight it anymore. i can't keep the hell at bay. there is no ultimate solution, don't worry. i just am so very tired. i kept it away for so long. i faced a little of it here and there but now it wants to be there in its entirety. i am scared. i am tired. there is nowhere for me to escape to to rest. no place safe...and i hear his screams.
 
Theo,

I'm sorry for the pain you feeling at this time. You are strong and you will overcome these tough moments in time.

Take care Big Theo and Little Theo,
Bill
 
Theo - I initially thought of it the same way round when I first started fighting this thing....I realised that it's not what I tell the little version of me, it's more to do with listening to what the little version of me is saying.

Little version of me had no chance/choice in the matter - why the hell did I blame him for so long.

Hope this helps....Rik
 
Theo - Rik hits the nail right on the head.

Little Theo needs to be heard, and although it is painful for your adult self to hear and see, it is so important for you to listen to him. Because once his screams have dissapated, he will need a strong adult Theo to carry him out and bring him to brighter things where he is safe and loved.

You can do it brother. Keep posting... PM me if you need to.

-Sean
 
T-

helpful site...

https://spaz.ca/aaron/billious/RCYS/

take care
 
theo, i am moved to tears. i feel what you feel, am where you are. you know you have to look at this scene, for the keys to healing are there. it hurts because we havent moved past it, because our inner children are still there. it hurts. it is scary. it sucks.

i want to hate the little guy for being stupid. i want to hate the monsters who did it. i want to hate the world that allowed it.

what can you say to him? no words will undo it. no appolgy from anyone will undo it. all we can do are the same things we do for each other here. we can be there to listen. we can offer support and understanding. hopefully once we have faced it, and somehow come to grips with it. once we have nurtured our children, and helped them make peace, perhaps we will have some peace. i certainly hope so. that is what i live for now.

jeff
 
theo - hang in there - being tired being fatigued can bring on the sinking anxious feelings - get some rest - be good to yourself -
the sleep and care will help you with a fresh
mind to plan and manage what you need to do daily and in the future - to stay balanced and love and care for yourself and the others around you -
i know it is hard - we are here for you
and care about you and how you are feeling -
be well theo -

mark
 
Theo,

I'm not stable myself, struggling with an 11-13 year old myself who was brutalized horribly. I know, KNOW how you feel.

Take it one day, one minute, one second at a time. The words will come, they alway do for you, bro. I know you'll find the words. I know little Theo will be well. He survived into such a wonderful adult.

sorry i'm not so coherent. Not safe myself. please know I'm thinking about you and if ican do anything, let me know.

peace and love

scot
 
Theo

I am so very sad, i am so very sorry for the pain that you and little theo are going through. I can not imagine how it feels for you, the pain and the betrayal you must feel. I don't know how much of all this I have truly felt, because I seem to detach more, unless in total panic, or totally slip into 'someone else'. The pain and fear in your post is so obvious, I wish I could be with you right now, just to be a friend to you, be there to protect you. You are such a fine man, such a fine person, in spite of what has been done in the past. Please know how wonderful you are, please accept that from people who know and value you.

Leosha
 
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