I am ready to share my story. I choose to identify as a survivor, NOT a victim anymore!

HumblyHe

Registrant
Hello guys,

I would like to begin by taking a moment to thank you all for your bravery, honesty, and hauntingly beautiful souls. Words cannot express the gratitude, heartbreak, and genuine empathy I feel towards each of you; and I personally have NEVER felt more understood, validated, and visible in any other space I currently and previously occupied in my life. I've been very "busy" recently trying to undo the damage that has overtaken all facets of my life. I know firsthand how people often state "This is the year I ____" but then this goal fizzles away into oblivion and the cycle repeats. However, this IS the year I take care of ME first...both physically, mentally, and spiritually. The written word has always been my preferred method of communication, mostly due to the traumatic incidents that I have been through at a young age. In retrospect, I almost feel as though I can never articulate myself "right" when speaking because I just have SO MUCH to say that the words jumble and I end up sounding like a fool. But I no longer accept this excuse, as I am no fool: I refuse to stifle myself any longer and hide behind the facade that I put on for survival.

I am a survivor of male childhood sexual abuse. The abuse occurred from the ages of 12 to 17 at the hands of my older brother who is 8 and a half years older than I am. Given the gaps in my childhood memory I am certain that my abuse had started earlier, as there were "adult" things I cannot explain knowing as a child; and the earliest recollection I have of him grooming me was when I was around 4 years old. The sexual trauma along with the chaotic/dysfunctional family environment I have been surrounded by nearly my whole life has almost completely hindered my potential...and only recently at the age of 27 have I began to apply bleach to the mold encapsulating my life.

Essentially I am at a place in my life now where I finally believe in myself and am actively doing "damage control" so that I can achieve my career/life goals. I aspire to be a physician, so that I can make a positive difference in my local community - an area that is critically underserved in primary physicians and specialists. I truly am passionate about medicine, and have a particular interest in natural medicine (i.e. ethnobotany, Naturopathy, Ayurveda, Traditional Chinese Medicine, etc.). However, I realized that it is near impossible to treat anyone as a Naturopathic Physician because they are not licensed in most states and in the states they are, they cannot even prescribe or order labs (even if they had degrees from accredited schools)! Moreover, I definitely understand the value of modern medicine, especially in emergency situations. Thus, I have decided to take a middle path and try to become an Osteopathic Physician (D.O) who owns his own practice. That is my DREAM...

...BUT [enter CSA]... So the damage my older brother had inflicted upon me, coupled with a dysfunctional (physically/emotionally abusive) and narcissistic family, I NEVER believed in myself. The sexual abuse stopped when my older brother got married and started a family but he still lived at home. Unfortunately, I was not allowed to leave my home at 18 as I also belong to a traditionally strict Central Asian culture where leaving the family unit is highly discouraged and frowned upon. Despite what I was going through at home, I excelled in highschool and was fortunate enough to be accepted into a local university. As a college student I was allowed to finally own my own phone (bought with my scholarship money) and my own computer. These small steps towards freedom along with rigorous courses, unaddressed trauma, and an unsupportive family were NOT conducive to my education AT ALL. So I failed in my studies. I had to retake many basic foundational courses, often thrice. My family situation and culture could not afford me to have a drug or alcohol problem during university so I turned to the only form of self medication I had previously been exposed to: Pornography.

This just made everything worse and I eventually had to take a semester off of university my Sophomore year. My family "finally" woke up and acknowledged something was wrong with me... so they tried to help in the only way they knew best (stemming most likely from ignorance of preceding generations)... They (along with my abuser) facilitated my marriage to a young woman from my parent's native country. After the fact, I was later informed that they were worried I was gay (due to false rumors spread by my abuser and another toxic older sibling). In the end, I married my now wife when I was a Junior in University all while working and going to school full time. Even though I had SO much stress on my shoulders, I strove to navigate my life situation as best as I could. Interestingly enough, I actually started doing well in my classes and switched to a major that I truly loved. I began to network with classmates and professors and made meaningful connections. And then I graduated! Barely. No one knew my pain...no one knew that I had NO IDEA wtf I even wanted to do with my life at that point. I gave up on my dream to be a doctor loooooong ago after being on academic probation the fifth time.

That is, until my wife and I had my daughter two years ago. Becoming a father was something so profoundly terrifying: not only because I have ALWAYS wanted to be a father, but because I vowed I would never become like my own...or the other men in my family who were unfit fathers. I will save my traumatic journey into fatherhood for another time. When my daughter was born, I was terrified that she was one day going to ask me "Daddy, is this [job] what you wanted to do when you were my age?" That fantasy infant intervention terrified me and woke me up from a particularly dreary coma...and from that point on I took initiative to change my life. Not only for me, because I DESERVE better, but because my baby girl deserved a healthy, functioning, and present father who is HAPPY.

I began this journey into healing for my daughter, but I am staying for me.

Thank you for reading this ridiculously long rant. I warned you ;) but then again, you know how it feels to be brimming over and boiling...

I truly love you guys and finally have began to love myself.

-HumblyHe
 
Welcome to MS. I believe you have indeed found the right place to share, listen, & both seek & offer support. I am so sorry for the things you experienced at the hands of your older brother. You did not ask nor deserve to be taken advantage of in such a way by someone you should've been able to trust to look out for you. Congrats on becoming a father, as that was profoundly impactful to me as well. My kids are at times the only reason I keep trying. Good luck to you in your healing, being the father your daughter deserves, your pursuit of a career, & take care!
 
@HumblyHe, Welcome to MS! It sounds as if you may have been here before, so you are aware of the wonderful healing community that's
here. We are here to listen and support you on your continued journey. I think just expressing what's on the mind, the daily life struggles and
the memories of the past, can help you knowing there are others who understand. Congrats on being a father, one of the greatest gifts. I wish
you the best on your continued healing journey and your goals to create a better life for you and your family by breaking some or the old cycles.
LRD
 

KMCINVA

Staff member
Essentially I am at a place in my life now where I finally believe in myself and am actively doing "damage control" so that I can achieve my career/life goals. I aspire to be a physician, so that I can make a positive difference in my local community - an area that is critically underserved in primary physicians and specialists. I truly am passionate about medicine, and have a particular interest in natural medicine (i.e. ethnobotany, Naturopathy, Ayurveda, Traditional Chinese Medicine, etc.). However, I realized that it is near impossible to treat anyone as a Naturopathic Physician because they are not licensed in most states and in the states they are, they cannot even prescribe or order labs (even if they had degrees from accredited schools)! Moreover, I definitely understand the value of modern medicine, especially in emergency situations. Thus, I have decided to take a middle path and try to become an Osteopathic Physician (D.O) who owns his own practice. That is my DREAM...

I began this journey into healing for my daughter, but I am staying for me.

Thank you for reading this ridiculously long rant. I warned you ;) but then again, you know how it feels to be brimming over and boiling...

I truly love you guys and finally have began to love myself.

-HumblyHe
HumblyHe

Why you began your journey, however, staying for you is the most important element in healing. You are working on yourself, to accept the past and not allow it to control you. Once it controls you as your family may have, you lose yourself, you doubt who you are, you live in a world the abuser created for you, not the world you would have created for yourself.

I am very happy to read you are on a positive and healing journey in pursuing your dreams and not let others stifle your dream. Your wife sounds like she is there for you. Healing is a journey that is first personal and can only be achieved with support and love of others. Your daughter should be proud of you. Keep going and wishing you success on becoming an O.D.

Kevin
 

ODAT

Registrant
HumblyMe,
Welcome to MS! You send like you are in a good place now. The residue of CSA caused me not to feel good about myself or to think I deserved anything good. I carried a lot of guilt and shame for most of my life. I am 65 now. You have the opportunity to heal from the scars and shame of the abuse. There are some great people here to help. Take care of yourself and welcome!
 
Top