I am on the edge of losing it....

I am on the edge of losing it....
L

LupinIII

Registrant
POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

I know that my mother's abuse of me was physical to an extent, but most of it was psychological. Hell I can remember at 11 that porn was used as a reward. I even remember one moment when I was 14 and in a video store and the guy was asking my mother if she knew she was renting porn for me (cause that was the tape I just handed the guy)..she nodded or something...and I remember briefly thinking there is something really wrong here but that thought was gone quickly. I remember the in-depth conversation at 12 about how to properly jack-off. I remember, to an extent, the sensual massages I had to give her hours on end...and those memories become really fuzzy for some reason.

And now I sit here at 33 and I can hardly cope with day to day living. I am lucky enough that I have been graced with the power of weeble wobble (gets right back up) but even that is hardly enough to hold me up these days. I confided in my boss the other day that I suffer from PTSD and have been having anxiety attacks and even though I have sold 8 deals she told me if my numbers dont improve in the next month i am gone and on top of that I need to understand that you have to look at htings as the glass is half full and there are people out there who are worse off than I.

I am having some really bad days lately. The county wont help me (free meds and visits) because I "make" too much...anything over 18K is making too much...imagine that...I can't afford a therapist...or meds...and I am barely holding it together most hours of the day..I can't find a lot written about female abuse of men (except for one very book that is more research than anything eles)..i can't let my faily down..but i dont know if i can do this any more...i just want to shut myself off from the world for a while...but my wife cant find a good paying job..and it hurts that she has been home for 6 years..and i can't seem to find somehting out of sales that will pay enough...i dont know how much longer i can hold it together
 
https://www.safersociety.org/allbks/wp014.html
 
I'm not really up on the rules, but I think if you have been diagnosed PTSD your boss would have a hard time firing you legally.

Someone here must know about this. Guys?
 
ya know what f--k her and f--k this..I am not going to let this horrid woman break me even when i don't f-ing talk to her any more..i have too many good things in my life and i'll be damned if i will let her take anything away from me again...i will survive and i will thrive...f--k breaking down...

sorry about the profanity
 
i have too many good things in my life and i'll be damned if i will let her take anything away from me again
Click to expand...
Damn right.

RE: PTSD. PTSD is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

You may be able to find some fee based upon income therapy through one of the clearing houses (i.e. United Way, Catholic Social Services). It can be hard to find, but it is out there. Just stick with it.

Do everything you need to do to keep yourself going forward. Don't let that woman take you down.

Take care,
Bill
 
Your post has made me so angry. Angry about so much that is wrong with society. I am seriously raging.

I hate the whole "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality that pervades American culture. I am tired of the "starving people in China" argument that we are fed constantly. I think it is sick for anyone to tell you that you cannot have it rough because someone else has it worse, or you are making more out of this, etc. I am truly, truly sorry that your boss has the audacity to comment on you and your job performance in this way.

Equally, I am livid with the way society is set up. It may be said that god helps those who help themselves, but society sure doesn't! I have been up against the "you make too much" argument when it comes to health care and mental health many, many times. It sucks. That is usually when I throw my hands up and say "That's it... I'm moving to Canada!"

I'm running on a tangent right now, so forgive me, but do people think my liberal viewpoint comes from nowhere? It comes from experience. My experience of not having health insurance, having huge student loans, being in total debt just from trying to live on a low salary... oh, but right... America is the greatest country on earth. Then to have people tell you to "suck it up" essentially just makes me all the more furious. I guess I wouldn't care so much if I actually got something (ie health care) in return for paying my taxes, being a good citizen, and going to work everyday.

But I digress... Lupin, I am so, so sorry that you are at such a low point. I don't know if hearing someone else be angry about the injustice of your situation helps at all, but I hope it does. You know we are all here as a support system for you... keep posting your frustration and your anger. And, it goes without saying, I am so, so sorry that your mother inflicted this abuse upon you. I don't have any referrals to give you on the female abuser... wish I did. But you know you can PM me if you need to. Keep posting.
 
Why would ever consider telling your female boss a thing like that? We all must learn to be more open, but it isnt necessary to provide arms to the enemy.

I may be FOS, but you got to get a handle on how you deal with powerful women. I like them. For me they are the best kind. But I never spill my guts to them. These ladies will lap up the blood and leave you bleeding on the floor.

In the future, try to avoid disclosure in the work place. Where I work we get required classes on this sort of thing as part of our orientation and continuing education. The stories are all from the female point of view, but they apply to men equally, by law.

Maybe I am just a coward, but I really dont think that issues of this type have any place in the work environment, unless there are direct confrontations. At which time the law should be invoked.

This probably seems insensitive. But I really can't think of any thing else that you can do but take a new course in the future.
 
Lupin,

I had some abuse, emotional and some sexual touching, with my mother also. I know that there is a certain kind of thinking and feelings that goes with abuse from a female or mom that is little different of other kinds. A different kind of shameful feeling, on top of what we feel anyway.

I am not sure if there are other options, to help pay for your therapy/medicines? Maybe a 'sliding scale' fee for therapy somewhere? I do not know how all such things work, and do not know how what you are making is 'too much'. That seems ridiculous. But I hope that something can help you better. Good luck.

Leosha
 
Aden and Lupin - you have obviously both experienced the negative side of having a female boss, but there are some decent one's out there as well. Please read the following text in the way that it is meant - our opinions are coloured by our personal experiences.

On the surface my boss can be a complete bitch to anyone male or female - when I most needed help last December (I've posted the story several times)she was the one that helped me. I'd cracked up on Dec 18th & went to my doctor straight after work (it took every effort that I could raise to complete my shift) and forced an appointment with the receptionist. My doctor was pretty clueless but put me on a waiting list to see a clinical psychologist (I'm still on it). I left the surgery and telephoned my boss (after howling like a banshee in my car outside of the doctor's surgery)- she agreed to see me straight away. Result was She got me a shrink at very short notice - She/my boss hugged me and said 'I'm just so sad that there are people that can do things like that to children'. That's where my recovery really started!

We cannot judge/generalise about people because of their sex / colour / role in society etc. I know very much that our experiences can colour our opinions, but we must give others a chance, just as we expect them not to judge us before they know us. As I said my boss can be a right bitch - however she cares!

Best wishes to you all ...Rik
 
Rik

You are quite right. I did judge from my own experience. But then, that is all I have. Concerning allowing my psychological problems to be known in the work place, that experience was pretty bad. It leaves you vulnerable in a competitive atmosphere, and as we both know, sharks can smell blood from a mile away.

I certainly cant judge your situation, and dont want to seem overly negative. Just watch your back. That isnt cynical advise, its practical.
 
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