I am not leaving! And here's why!

  • Thread starter Thread starter-
  • Start date Start date
I am not leaving! And here's why!

Hi Guys!

It appears that it's not fashionable these days to say I'm not leaving. But I'm not. Why? Here are a few points to consider:

1) New guys come here all the time. Like us when we first came here, they need a kind word, a friendly handshake, a pat on the back. I want to be here to greet those guys, whenever and however I can.

2) Someone needs to be here to provide a vibrant voice to the gay forum. That's what I try to do.

3) On any given day, even on our very best days, we are a touchy bunch of guys. Let's face it! Can you think of any male survivor who is perfect? Young or old, we celebrate, we despair, we fear, we embolden, we thrill to our success, we sink into depression at our losses. We're human, folks! Young or old--we ARE human!

4) In the real world, some people will click. Others won't. Why do we demand so much of ourselves here?

5) I am lucky to belong to a PTSD group that helps me with a lot of issues in my life. But I am the only survivor (male or female) in that group. So I need to discuss my CSA issues right here, among fellow survivors. I can't afford to walk away. I don't have a whole lot of support out there. And I need all the support I can get.

6) I know we all hurt when someone leaves us, for whatever reason. We are a brotherhood. To lose one, affects us all. But seriously, if you really care about the brothers you are leaving behind, and you are serious about your desire to leave, why not do it quietly? Making a "grand exit" is a little bit like threatening suicide. It triggers most of us. It leaves us helpless. It hurts our recovery.

7) Go gently if you must go. I do not wish you to leave. But go with love, go quietly, go with the higher power at your side.

I can't speak for others here. But I am not leaving.

Much Love (AND HUGS IF YOU WILL LET ME),

Jasper
 
Jasper, thanks for a great post....

I have said much the same thing in a little different way way before...

"This place is a lot like the rest of the world. There are all kinds of people, some we like, some we don't. Some like us, some don't. Most everyone is honest and real, but some are frauds and fakes. Sometimes a predator moves in, but most times we figure him out. It's pretty much our neighborhood and we do our best to keep things painted, the yards mowed, and the trash picked up. But it is a free country...anyone can drive through that wants...and say pretty much what they want... But remember they are just driving through...
We live here!"

Thanks again Jasper and for everyone else as well...

brent.
 
Thanks, Brent! Thanks, Zach!

I feel blessed to be in such wonderful company.

All the best to you!

Jasper
 
Jasper - I'm glad to hear of your commitment to a group where you have found so many positive things. I know this place was a sanctuary, of sorts, to me when I first started to come to terms with my past. Finally I was not alone. Finally I could be understood. Finally I could share and ask for help and offer help. Finally.

But there came a time too when this place just got to be too much for me. I got too involved in other's despair, that brought me down, especially when I could do nothing to help them. A kind word only goes so far. Then I was a member of a group here that was put together to raise awareness outside of MS.org as well as to try to revamp some of the existing structure of the site. It was too much for me. I was still early in the recovery and healing part of the game. I could not focus on my therapy. I started to fall back into places that I never wanted to see again.

When I decided it was time for me to take a breather, I felt an obligation to address the board in a public way. I had been a presence here that would no longer be, at least for a while. I wanted to let people know I was leaving and why. To go quietly seemed insensitive.

About a month ago, as you well know, I was again at a point where I felt I needed to leave. My safe haven had been breached, This time my public announcement to leave had a greater objective and that was in an attempt to get this place back in line with where it was prior to my first departure. I'm not sure how much weight my opinion held, but damned if I wasn't heard, damned if things didn't change and damned if I'm not still here because of it.

So you can see, at least from my perspective, why some of us might choose to leave less than quietly.

I'm happy you're here and want to stay, to greet others as you were greeted. To provide support for new and old, young and old, etc. I couldn't give a damn about you being gay. The only time it even crosses my mind is when you mention it. Your sexuality, as well as every other person here, has no bearing on why you are here, or why I am here. We're in the same boat together.

I have every intention of staying too, to give back some of what I got when I so desperately needed it to someone who desperately needs something now. But I also know that there may come a time when this place and I are not compatible, for whatever reason. And if that reason is something that will get in the way of my progress, my recovery, my healing, I will take flight. Because I vowed in the beginning, NOTHING and NO ONE will ever get in the way of my becoming whole ever again.

Just had to add my two cents, as I do probably more often than I should sometimes. Thank you for your patience. And, as always, I wish you peace - John
PS Does anyone here know how I can chnage my screen name? Cuz' I'm not sinking anymore!!!!
 
Hello John:

You are definitely not sinking! You inspire me.

I understand why people feel the need to make a statement. Or to express their unhappiness, and underscore it by explaining that they feel compelled to leave if such and such is not corrected.

And I am not trying to single any individual out here. So I will speak for me. At the top of this forum is the following notice:

NOTICE
Do not threaten suicide. We are not equipped to deal with crises of this nature. It puts a huge burden on others in these rooms when someone threatens self-violence and there is nothing they can do. Contact your local suicide or crisis hotline instead.
Click to expand...
Why is that notice there? In my opinion, it does put a huge burden on others in these rooms when someone threatens self-violence and there is nothing they can do.

In my opinion, it likewise puts a huge burden on others in these rooms when someone threatens to withdraw from the group if their issues are not addressed.

It triggers the hell out of me! No disrespect to the young people here, but some days I am just a scared little six year old. And it does no good at such times to say that because I am 50, somehow I should be immune to my own pain. Young or old, recently abused or not, we hurt sometimes. And in my humble opinion, it's condescending to suggest that certain rules shouldn't be followed because someone is just a kid.

So something has to be done. Perhaps there should be a kind of "soapbox" forum where guys can freely post nothing but complaints about the way things are done around here. And again, John, I am not talking about you here. That issue you brought up a while back was important. But I'm saying that threatening to leave is triggering to me, as triggering as someone saying they will kill themselves. And I would like to see a message to that effect at the top of every forum.

Also, I know most people don't care about my being gay. And that's a really good thing. My point was that gay survivors who come here do need a place to talk about their very specific issues. And the gay forum is that place. Since a lot of people don't post there, I try to make a point of welcoming new members when they come. That is just one of many reasons for my being here. IMHO, a support group is as much about giving support as it is getting it.

Thanks, John!

All the best!

Jasper
 
P.S. John, I just wanted to add that you do give support, in your very own quiet, powerful way. I have been the recipient of that support and I can't thank you enough.
 
Jasper,

Thanks for starting this useful thread. There is a lot that is important here!

A few simple things: John, how about "relaunched" as a new screen name :) . Just an idea. I know - very lame, but perhaps others have ideas.

And Jasper: I know what John means and in that sense I say absolutely! We are all brothers here, regardless of sexuality or any other consideration that affects our lives. But guess what! It means a lot to me that you are gay. It is part of who you are and how you see the world, and I accept and love you for that as much as I accept and love you for anything else. I am content with my heterosexuality but am at the same time happy to embrace you as my gay little brother. I wish more guys here were checking out the gay forum; there really is a lot there that is relevant to all of us. I have never been anything less than welcome there.

On the question of leaving, and as concerns anything else relating to what happened to us, I think we each have to find our own way and others need to honor that. Charlie is not making a "grand exit". He is a 14-year-old boy who is grieving and confused about needing to say goodbye to his online family. That is what we were. He has no brothers and so bonded very quickly with Kevin, with whom he shares a similar history of cruel and brutal beatings and abuse. An adult here (not me) he chose to be his new Dad, and others he also became quite close to. He was reconstructing around himself the family he needed to convince himself that he was worth loving and his life worth living. Leaving that would of course be an emotional decision and would need to be expressed somehow.

Larry
 
Hi Larry:

I thank you for your kind words.

Believe it or not, I really was not singling anyone in particular out. I don't know Charlie's situation. I hope he doesn't leave. Certainly I will respect his decision to go. But he was not the one I was thinking about when I mentioned the "grand exit."

Rather than mention any names or point to any particular posts, I will just say once again that people saying they are going to leave, or stringing out their leaving, or just hinting they will leave if things don't change--that triggers me. I mean, it triggers me big time. It's very scary to me. And I bet a few others feel the same.

To me it is like people threatening suicide. It's scary. It's triggering. It makes us feel helpless. Everything else comes to a standstill because all we can talk about is the person who might or might not be serious about ending his life.

Sometimes it can be a genuine cry for help. Sometimes it can be emotional blackmail. And that's how I feel about guys saying they are leaving. Am I supposed to beg them to stay? Block their exit? I don't always know their situation. That's why it's scary.

On some level, all of us have probably experienced emotional blackmail. Your abuser threatened that it would be the end of you and your family if you told. My abuser, my older brother, basically implied the same things by his words and actions.

So maybe I am super sensitive about this. But it hurts me. It hurts me very much. So guys, if you're going, post something, and I'll say goodbye and hope you come back. But otherwise, I feel like a scared kid who's going to lose his family.

Do you know what I mean here, Larry? Does anyone else know what I am talking about?

Again, thanks for sharing.

Take care all,

Jasper
 
Ooh, it's those abandonment issues coming to the surface.

Jasper, we share a common bond and a unique one at that. But we are, afterall, an on-line community, connected by modems and telephone lines (well, at least I'm still on dial-up). We will come and go, some by stating it, others byu just leaving. We embrace eachother for a time and then some of us will move on. It will happen. But oftentimes thgis is a positive thing. Who really wants to need this place or anyplace for that matter, forever? Just the idea that AA is a forever thing makes me want to take a drink :) We will all heal our own ways, be here for the time we need or want to be and then, hopefully, move on because we are individuals and I don't want you to hurt or feel threatened by what may constitute a positive thing. Maybe it should, as in Charlie's case, be celebrated. He has moved on to a support system that he can see, touch and hear. Here is something I wrote about a year ago during my first round with MS.org. I think it celebrates and honors our similarities and individualities at the same time:

We share so much our experiences our abuse our lies our pain our addictions our feelings our avoidance of feelings our truth our realities our existence our hopes our desires our need for change and love and understanding and sympathy our confusions our dreams our nightmares our past our future.

But we must keep in mind that, despite our cookie-cutter responses to our pain, we are all individual. We have different houses, different lifestyles, different needs, different wants, desires, dreams, partners, families, responses to our pain, our experiences.

While we join in a brotherhood of men who comfort, support and understand our similarities, we must also recognize our differences and embrace them. For you are not me and I am not you. We will and should heal at our own paces, in our own ways, with our own loved ones and with ourselves.

So continue to share, to learn, to teach, to understand and to feel each other. But remember ourselves and our individuality. Were all doing it together, in our own way. Dont put expectations on yourself based on the experiences of others.

PS When I go back and look at the things I've written and how much and how often they still apply, I am astounded!!! Peace to ALL - John
 
Good Post, Jasper!

I only began dealing with my SA back in March. I came to MS everyday for a couple of months and found insight, strength, and compassion from all here.

Like others, however, reading the pain of others and dealing with my fresh wounds was overwhelming. I finally had to stop coming here for my own sake. I did so quietly.

Some friends I made here emailed me from time to time and I shared with them why I was staying away. They were supportive and told me to take my time.

Just this last week I've returned to this brotherhood of Survivors. It feels good to be back. I've made real progess in the last week or so (see my other posts for that). And it is all due to the support I've received here at MS.

All that to say this - I agree with you. If one feels the need to leave, I understand it. However, do so quietly and for your own sake. Don't hijack other's emotions with a "grand exit." If you feel you must tell someone your reasons why, PM them and let them know.

MS is a great place of support. Let's keep it that way whether we're coming or going.
 
Thanks for your further comments Jasper. Sorry I misunderstood what you were referring to.

Larry
 
Damn straight, Jasper!

Many is the time, especially when I have a weak moment and something happens to make me question the need to stay here, I've wanted to leave. But this place has saved my life and, while I don't need it as much as I used to, I know a lot of the guys here. And there are always new people who need the kind words I've gotten.

And, for the rare occasion when it was somebody who was hostile or inappropriate or frigging rude, well, there was my more hostile reaction - no damn way is someone gonna kick ME outta here! I belong, I like it here, I'm staying and if YOU don't like it, too frigging bad - END OF DISCUSSION!

(This, thankfully, is rarely needed. :D )

You're a wise man, Jasper, and a great addition here.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
I have left here at times, when it gets to much for me, and I need 'space'. Sometime I say I am leaving for a while, sometime I don't. A few times I have left for a short while after something negative here. I consider it is taking care of ourself, to recognize our needs, and meet them best we can.

But the reason I never leave and stay gone is because this place is remarkable. Because it has saved my life. It has helped me to help some other people who I love dearly. It has helped my girlfriend to understand me better (not an easy task). And I choose to not leave until I am able to give back as much to it as it has given to me. It will probably take the rest of my life. Which is fitting, as this site helped me to regain my life.

Leosha
 
Very well put, Leosha.

Thanks for writing that.

Regards,
 
As "sort of" a new guy here and a fellow survivor - I wanted to say that was wonderful to read Jasper. Thanks for that.
firefox
 
That is very kind of you to say. And it gives me another chance to renew my pledge...I am not leaving. God willing (and the rest of the guys here too).

Welcome and take care,

Jasper
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top