I am not gay and yet I enjoy guys

eagle79

Registrant
My last sexual encounter with a male was March of 2017 and from that point on I was doing really good on staying away from anything and everything like that. BUT a couple weeks ago (just a couple days before I turned 40) I insanely found myself at the Adult Shop in Medford, Oregon and got myself a booth and waited for some guy in the other booth who would let me suck him. This was something I have done MANY times I think the last time I was doing this was back before 2010.

I have had dozens of partners, never playing it safe, most of the time didn't care if they had some virus or not, and yet here I am absolutely clean.

I was raped when I was 15. Still have not talked about it on here yet. Sometimes I am ready and wanting to talk about it and post a story about it, and yet I still have not done it. The man who raped me was my friend, a 52 year old former Marine. He knew what he was doing was wrong but he didn't care. I know I was not his first.

And I am now 40 and yet I have always been single, no girlfriend no nothing. I just can't see myself being romantic and having fun with some woman.
 
Oh, Eagle! I am SO sorry you had to go through this! But acting out is common with survivors. Doesn't mean you are gay.

One question: Are you sexually attracted to women but feel you just can't? Because that would also be a symptom. I feel for you, brother!

((( Eagle )))
 

eagle79

Registrant
Oh yea I do find women attractive and sadly yes I can't have sex with a woman at all because it's mentally uncomfortable for me.
It also doesn't help that I had an older girl who had sex with me when I was 11. That is one story that I did post on here.
 
How many days in how many video arcades? I know this story from first hand experience... the pain that always went with those afternoons and evenings. During the day I'd have to go back to work so I wouldn't get drunk. Evenings always involved alcohol and food to take away the taste of it all, the pain of it all. I was doing it thirty years ago when AIDS was spreading like wildfire, certainly in the San Francisco Bay Area where I was doing my acting out... occasionally in San Francisco. I took an AIDS test when a woman I was interested in who was coming off a lesbian relationship wanted to make certain I wasn't infected. I'd told her about my acting out with men... it seemed safe to do so since she'd spoken openly about her lesbian life. I got the test results on Friday before we were scheduled to head off for a weekend of uninhibited sex. But guess what? I couldn't get an erection and never did with that very attractive and willing woman.

I've really only been able to perform sexually with women when I've been in seduction mode. Otherwise, not so much. But, fortunately, I was able to put arcades and anonymous sex with men in the past. Of course, I didn't remember the sexual abuse by a family of predators who lived next door until a few years after I'd stopped going to arcades... information that clarified my acting out behavior. Images in EMDR sessions involved my performing oral sex on boys and men... no wonder I was drawn to arcades.

I'm sorry the trauma still has you in its grip. This is where healing begins... telling the truth about what you're doing, what you're feeling. We all know the solution to our pain will never come by acting it out. It is when we stop acting it out that the healing journey moves forward. Then we're focused on self-compassion and self-care. You found us Eagle because you're ready to release the past, the trauma of the past in all the ways it occurred, with the girl, with the man. Glad you found us. You're not alone with any of this.
 

Chad R.

Registrant
Your story is similar to mine...and I suspect like so many others on here. First, let me honestly say you are not alone....I just hate what the abuse has done to me, but I am getting stronger everyday. Talking about it helps, but also makes me challeng me myself. These post also help and I learn a lot through reading them.
 
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