I am leaving for a Good while

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I am leaving for a Good while
K

kaceechase

Registrant
I want to say Goodbye to the few people that Helped me while I was here. I am trying but it just isn't getting through. I have good days and i have Bad But I can't get out of where I am and I dont really see any chance of that happening so i might as well give in and Just Fucking get use to it.

I am sry to those I grew to call Friend that I Can't be here for you right now but I am Not in a place where i can do that right now. As someone so clearly put it, I Haven't learned my lesson. I deserve the shit I get from now on. No Matter what it is. I am NOT brave enough to end it all so I will be stuck in this shit hole called Life. For that someone that Knows what i did to deserve all this You were right. I will Not Bother you again I swear and I am sry for being the shit that i am. THAT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING BUT IT IS THE TRUTH. I DONT WANT TO BE ME BUT I AM. MAYBE GOD OR WHATEVER WILL FIND A WAY TO SHOW ME MERCY BUT UNTILL THEN I AM STUCK IN THIS SHIT OF A LIFE.

DONT FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE PUPPY OR LOST OR DAN OR TEX OR SOCCER OR ANYONE ELSE I HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT I CARED ABOUT. TRUST ME I AM NOT WORTH YOUR CARE OR TRUST I HAVE PROOVEN THAT SO BEFORE I HURT ANY ONE ELSE I AM LEAVING. YES THIS IS A GRANDSTAND SHOW OF PITY TO HOPE THAT SOMEHOW SOMEWAY SOMETHING SAVES ME FROM THIS BUT I DONT SEE HOW. I AM SO TIRED OF BEING ME BUT LIKE I SAID I CAN'T END IT MYSELF I WISH I COULD BUT I CANT SO I AM STUCK.

TO THE NEW FRIENDS I HAVE MADE BRUCE DONT BE LIKE ME MAKE IT--DONT LET THE FUCKERS THAT STARTED THIS SHIT WIN ANYMORE. I WISH I HAD THE STRENTH TO WIN BUT IT IS JUST SO FUCKING HARD AND I AM SO TIRED. HELL I GIVE UP. GOD IF YOUR REAL HELP ME SEE THIS BETTER, HELP ME TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS AND STOP THIS SHITTY EXISTANCE. GOD IF YOUR THERE PLEASE HELP ME.

I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST AND TRY NOT TO GIVE UP BUT I UNDERSTAND IF YOU DO--I DO!
 
Ken, nobody can stop you going, we can only ask that you stay. It is not easy in here, but you are wanted here.

As someone so clearly put it, I Haven't learned my lesson. I deserve the shit I get from now on.
Click to expand...
I dont know who said this, but it clearly needs to be brought to the attention of the mods.
Nobody has the right to say things like that to you.

Please stay,

ste
 
Ken,

Please stay. We all have our good days and bad days. We all sometimes feel like things are too much.

I appreciate you and offer again my support to listen and be here for you with no judgement.

Pm me if you like.

Please stay.

Jonathan
 
Ken:
Look at what you wrote a few hours before the above post:

Andrew,

Thank you for sharing that. I think you answered your own question but here is what I toss out. Find yourself a therapist away from and seperate from anyone elses problems. Take some time out away from everything as best you can whether it is a minute or a day or a week. Then go inside where the real strenth lies. You dont want to die, you just want to stop hurting there is a difference, I Know. I am Glad you are reaching out here and Yes there are so many here that know what your going through and will do anything they can do to help.

I Don't know you yet but I am glad you are still here to meet. So from a total stranger hang in there and dont give up. I send you all my best thoughts and know it is not easy but it is worth it all to get to the other side. Peace and Love I mean. So If you need to vent feel free to PM me. I wish you well and Hope you see better tomorrow. Sometimes we just need to see things from a new perspective.

--------------------
Come What May!
My name is Ken
and I Thank You for Being!

Sounds like two different people wrote here? I think you have something going on that you need to talk with your T about. It could be something that the right medication can stabilize. I can't do a diagnosis here but I'll bet there is something going on with you if you're having rapid mood swings. Look at the caps and the spelling. Something ain't right, my friend.
Ken
 
"I accept as best I can at the Momment. I am at a weak point right now But your Post were in the right place at the right time. Literally an answer to a pray. I am making a huge step in my recovery when I finish this post. I am Putting and end to one of my abusers Voices in my head.

I accept you call and Thank everyone. You are so Loved and you dont always know why or how but know you are. And Thank you.

--------------------
Come What May!
My name is Ken
and I Thank You for Being!

"It's Not Your Fault"
Always remember, You are Loved-In the Right way for a change."

Ken - This was your message just three days ago. In it you found a moment of strength and hope. Please read it again and see if you can get back to that place. If you're more comfortable talking privately, please send me a PM. I am here for you along with your other friends. - John
 
Ken:

Whatever the reason was, please stay. I think that Ken Singer is correct (IMHO) that there could be something very simple that is causing you to change your feelings about yourself and life so quickly. This is one of the best places for you to be right now - we all need the support of others.
We all have skeletons in our closets, so if someone is judging you unfairly or saying abusive stuff to you, then you need to report THEM. We all need a place to come and feel safe.
So please give it a second thought - and check with your therapist. We all have lessons to learn in life and no one has the right to judge what you have and haven't learned.

SD
 
Here is My delima.

I Know what each of you says is true and right and good. Even As I write this I feel the feelings subsiding. I Understand very well That I am Loved and that I am believed and That I am Not alone. I Do. Now! When My Head doesn't hurt so bad and when I am calm. BUT I Know that it will all come back at the drop of a hat when something doesn't go right or for some goofy reason. And it is getting worse and comes sooner and faster Like the worlds Greatest RollerCoaster ever Made. Even as I write this I feel the urge to Type faster and Harder and I can Feel It right under the surface.

I Have two voices in my head. One is a scared abused angry 10yo Chase before I was created to Deal with sex and puberty and Everything else, Ken. It has been an On going battle for us. For so Long chase was hidden and only rear his head now and then But it was for longer times and Just was easier to deal with for greater periods of time. Now it is in and out all the time many times a day and it is too hard. I Ken have learned so Much and let go of so Much BUT Chase is still terrified and frightened and hurt and panics. and NO ONE sees that becuase I have to Hide it and put on a friendly face. MY HEART CAN BE RIPPING APART AND MY HEAD POUNDING AND I CAN STILL SAY HOW ARE YOU AND HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY AND THANK YOU AND NO ONES KNOWS I AM HURTING SO WHEN I TELL SOMEONE THEY SEE THIS HAPPY CAMPER AND THINK IT IS NOT SO BAD AND DONT BELIEVE ME. SO I AM STUCK. EVEN WHEN I DO FIND HELP ONCE IN A BLUE MOON THEY DONT THINK IT IS THAT BAD AND IT JUST BECOMES BULLSHIT AND NOT THE REAL PROBLEM. CHASE IS SCARED AND NEEDS TO FIND PEACE AND LOVE AND SAFETY. I AM CONSTANLY TRYING TO SHOW HIM THAT I LOVE HIM AND THAT HE IS SAFE AND THAT IT WILL BE OK BUT HE KEEPS HIDING AND WONT TELL ME WHAT ID WRONG OR HOW TO HELP HIM. EVEN NOWW I SOUND LIKE A NUT CASE. MAYBE I AM. MAYBE THIS IS ALL JUST A NIGHTMARE AND I AM IN SOME MENTAL WARD STRAPPED TO A BED.

I WANT TO BELIEVE IT IS SAFE AND OK I WANT TO BELIEVE IT IS OK TO TALK AND BE WHO I AM BUT I KNOW NO ONE BELLIEVES ME--YES I KNOW YOU THINK YOU DO BUT YOU DONT. NO ONE KNOWS AND CANT KNOW. IT JUST IS SO FUCKED UP.

SO SRY TO BABBLE ON BUT I DONT HAVE ANY OTHER WAY AND I AM ABOUT TO LOSE THIS TOO. BECUASE IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO HURT OTHERS AND TO KEEP DOING IT. GOODBYE.
 
Ken,
Maybe take a day or two for yourself to rest and recharge. I thought you had some positive and supportive things to say here at the forum. I hope you will continue to contribute. Peace, Andrew
 
Ken, I know all about voices and the parts taking over. I had one I called Dion that was extremely protective and would do a lot like what you're describing. He'd just shut me down and block everybody like a giant force field. I had another I called Richard that felt so vulnerable, scared and afraid. He had a safe place that he made up--just a concrete room where nobody could get in and he could just sit in there safe and alone.

That's what helped me, Ken. Ask Chase where his safe place is. Chase may feel safe somewhere you wouldn't even think of. I had one that liked being with the polar bears at the zoo. The zoo drives me nuts--the animals in cages, too many people--but he liked it. So whenever things got too much for him, I'd send him to the zoo in my mind. It helped him calm down.

Sometimes we just can't do all the reasoning and therapy with these parts ourselves. Just find Chase a safe place to stay from time to time until he can get to therapy and talk to your therapist. Then, if you've got the right therapist, maybe Chase can talk about what's making him so afraid and unsafe. Maybe just talking and feeling is all he needs. Maybe he just needs you to understand something. Whatever it is, he can talk about it later. But for now, he can go to a safe place.

Anyway, that's what I used. It kept me sane through the rough stuff. Please PM me if you want to talk. They're just parts of our mind that protected us from some very horrible stuff.

Take care of both of you, OK?
 
KC, listen what these guys are saying.
Write Chase a letter and tell him how much you love him, and how you are protecting him.
Send it by post and let him read it when it arrives, it can be very powerful.

I know your are cut up about Jake, a lot of us are, but you know he would want you to be strong, and safe.

Please find a good T, and talk these things thru,

take care,

ste
 
this place is here so that you can fall apart and lose your mind and feel the crappiest feelings ever, and still have people love you and help you put yourself back together.

i know you think the bullshit will never go away, no matter how much you work at it. and it wont. youre always gonna be you. but it wont always be this intense and painful. its not a matter of making it go away, it slearning how to cope with it. thats why we are all here.

i know i speak for a lot of us when i say that i dont want you to leave.
 
I'd like to tag onto what Puppy said - the crap doesn't ever go away. However, as time goes on, the highs and lows go from a super roller coaster to a gentle wave. I think that's a realistic way of looking at recovery.

Have you called your T? You would be amazed at how working with the T about these issues and/or the proper medication can help you to cope with what comes up without having to go through so much pain.

We're all here for you.

SD
 
OK I will say it here so no one will say it again please. I am trying BUT I DONT HAVE THE MEANS OR THE WAY TO SEE A T. I HAVE TRIED. I DONT KNOW WHERE ELSE TO TURN. I COULDN'T EVEN PAY FOR THE NICE BUT NONHELPING 21.00 COUNSELOR I WAS SEEING. I STILL OWE THEM 42 DOLLARS AND ANYTHING THAT CAN GET ME THE MEDS I KNOW I NEED AND WANT I CANT FIND OR AFFORD SO PLEASE I DO WISH THAT WERE POSSIBLE AND I KNOW YOUR WORDS ARE ONLY MEANT KINDLY BUT IT IS KILLING ME TO TELL ME THIS. IT IS LIKE TELLING SOMEONE THAT HAS NO LEGS TO JUST GET UP AND WALK. THATS THE WAY IT FEELS ANYWAYS. I AM NOT MAD AT ANYONE FOR SUGGESTING THAT BUT IT DOES HURT KNOWING THAT WHAT I NEED IS AVALABLE BUT NOT TO ME. I HAVE TRIED AND I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO BUT THANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS. SOMEWHERE IN ME I AM HEARING THEM BUT RIGHT NOW IT HURTS TOO BAD TO HEAR THEM PROPERLY. I AM TRYING AND I AM SO SRY TO THOSE WHO HAVE SEEN ME BETTER. I HATE FOR THIS TO HAPPEN IT NEVER DOES. I DONT SHOW THE SHIT SIDE BECUASE I KNOW IT HURTS PEOPLE AND I KNOW IT GETS OLD AND PEOPLE DONT LIKE A WHINING BABY. BUT KNOW I AM TRYING SRY.
 
KC,
I am happy you are staying,

i just want to say that it is good to show the shit side. That is oart of being here.

Put a trigger warning and then get it all out.

If you want to send me a PM with all the shit in it go ahead. I can take it and it might help you to get it out.

Thanks for staying

Jonathan
 
My rebuttel

https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=1&t=005727
 
KC,

You are not whining or being a baby, you are expressing your pain and your feelings and that is something we all need to be able to do. If the hurt is too great at the moment for you to do anything more than talk about it, that's fine. There's no schedule, no hierarchy or game plan. Each of us has our own issues, and all of us certainly respect yours. But KC, even talking about all this is a step toward dealing with it. Sometimes the pain is too great to allow you to see that, but it is a step, and a very important one.

Also, I hope you know you are not alone. Many of us have gone through what you are experiencing, or are going through it now but just not talking about it. And all of us are here for you, okay? Some will have advice, others will try to put things in perspective, and others will just express their friendship and support. None of that means that you have to do anything in particular in return. Some of the advice you have been offered is very useful and important, but no one is asking you to do what you cannot do right now. We are here for you as you try to find your way.

Take care KC,
Larry
 
KC,

I know, KNOW, what you're feeling. I know how it feels to believe the utter shite you've been fed. I know what it's like to hear the good stuff and not believe it inside. I know what it's like to feel you've no place to turn. I just hope to God that you just keep reading the love you're getting from these great people here and repeating it to yourself. You may not believe it now, but I'm sure you'll start getting it in your heart the longer you absorb it. Removing the bad messages takes a long time and a lot of work. Which sucks, I'll kid you not, but it IS doable.

As for not having the means for therapy, I don't know where you live, or even if you live in, the U.S., and the resources for each state are different, but the best place to start is a rape crisis center or domestic abuse center. It doesn't matter how long ago or how recent the abuse ocurred, they're there to help, and they have a list of resources available. Depending on the state or country, there may even be free counselling you can take advantage of.

I'm lucky. I live in Massachusetts where we're a bit more progressive than most in the union, but you also should know you may have to fight for the resources that are due you. This also is a pain, and not easy to deal with, but if you can hang in there, there is help to be had, either free or at a sliding-scale rate.

The important thing, KC, is NOT to give up hope and NOT to keep this poison inside of you. Keep letting it out like you have been. SCREAM it out if you have to. You've been forced to carry this weight that wasn't even yours to BEGIN with for too frigging long. It was NEVER EVER your fault, you NEVER deserved it, you DON'T deserve the bad stuff you're dealing with now, you ARE a GOOD, NOBLE person, and you deserve all the good things that will come out of life.

Also feel free to PM those you trust here. Please know you can PM me whenever you need to.

Peace and love, my brother.

Scot
 
I will refrain from dispencing much advice since im quite drunk right now, but i will say: if you need a break from the hardships of the past, take it, but there is no reason to say goodbye KC, here are your peers, and when you feel you have the streangth to work onwards, the doors are open.
 
Kacee - here are emails I sent back and forth recently to a friend -

i put them in order they were sent for ease of
reading - but perhaps this will show you
how it is hard for all day to day -
My friend is not a survivor in our sense - but
he is alone in the world as well -
here are our thoughts - as we talked -
the first one is from me - after he and I had phone call the day before -
********

J -

Thank you again for our talk yesterday -
So many ideas have come up for me lately - there
have been many impulses to trust people
who are doing business - and also there is the
situation where you also have to say
nobody is perfect - business here in Canada has been
very untypical of USA business so far.
The Sutton Place Hotel was nightmarish - not in the
superficial sense - but so many
odd things happened that it seemed very
disconcerting - theft of clothes - asking for dinner
to be put on the table and it is put on the bed ? -
broken elevators for over a week and a half - and
more-
then Bell Canada and just oddness - theft from a
house painter etc..

so that was my problem and I am now over it - and
have a good sense of how to proceed -

Again - I really appreciate your talking to me -
your words -
'You have to navigate this alone' are true -

For me though - they have a double edge to them -
You know my history - somewhat - and so I do get
upset -

You and I - have come at things quite with different let's say 'prepping' -

I love watching you succeed - and I do pretty darn well myself! - I love your style and grace -and super dutch way of being - it boggles me - it is so impressive -

Anyway - thanks for being there -

I hope the new job is going well and things in
general are up (more often than not!)

Talk to you later I hope -

Mark

********************and now a response from him -
Mark,

Thank you very much for your kind words. You are
right that we were prepped in different ways and that why it is so rewarding to learn from each other.
Every situation asks for a different approach and two know more than one! But it is true that nobody else will ultimately look out for you as much as you.
Although this is really difficult at times, as
yesterday showed, it is also an opportunity to
transcend any boundaries and become a stronger person.
Just don't take it personal and laugh about the
situation: life is ridiculous at times. On that note,
I hope that you were able to prove to American Express
that you are really you! And from your e-mail I
derive that you are collecting enough material for
your first novel! Moving to a new country is an
emotional roller-coaster, from initial euphoria to
bursts of culture shock to second-guessing the
decision to eventual adjustment to a happy existence
in your new surroundings. You're halfway home!

Talk to you soon!

Dutchie
************************************
Thanks Jurgen - the amex situation was resolved - after 24 hours and over a dozen phone calls, and
several faxes from me and my accountant - and aid from an amex travel office - it was determined that
the associate who had taken my new address down - had made a fantasy combination address
with Florida and Canadian elements to it!
and the Canadian elements were not completely correct either -
ay yay yay!

then it took three amex customer service people all at once to talk to my 2 movers reps- since the card was still being declined - so 6 people on the line - to aid one transaction through -!
the movers were giggling to themselves - you could hear it -
we ended up having to get a verbal approval - lol

anyway - it's all done - the transaction has completed -
and my account has been fully updated - but who knows - we'll see - !

Thanks again Jurgen -

xo Mark

---------------
 
and just so you know Kacee
i do want you to get better
but after a while
if you don't start to get a grip
and take self responsibility

you are not invisible and you will be seen as

you are just a 'fisher for sympathy'

it does not do you any good
or me any good -

we all have our lives to lead -
as mentioned above

immediate sympathy is just a quick fix solution

and will not last - see beyond the immediate want or need - try -

--seek something that lasts in healing

go for it

day to day

mgb
 
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