i am kind of getting what this s--- is about in a family 'pov'

[markgreyblue]

i wrote a post earlier in the spirituality section -

and i saw how my mother was so f----- up

her mom was the sick one -

and my mom -

was not available to accept anything -

and sick -

i think there was a struggle within her to knock out the bad reactions to things rather than
mentalize them even to herself -

and so the draconian self subjugation rather than
perhaps acknowledgement and thereby understanding

she could then try to responsibly behave
and do her job as mother -

if that is what she wanted ever -at all -

her life passed very young 54 she put a lot of pressure on her self to be an icon

and so she fainted often and had heart murmurs

rather than deal with her rage - which came out unavoidably and then was inflicted on us -

and so she passed -

my father a mess too from his past

but luckily strong enough to divorce my mother
even though he attempted to keep it together for
21 years -

anyway -

it is sad - she could not muster honesty with herself or others -

the shit her mother the perp must have done -
then made her only
commit brutal unacceptance of herself -
and her children
full of dishonesty - and a cliche snow white and the seven dwarf public image -

hardly grounded in anything but vanity -
and sickening selfishness -

it's weird - i opened up to myself - at lunch

i felt i had this devil person inside me - though i am not bad -

i decided to think where it all came from and the grosses came clear -

this is what it is and i will seek therapy soon to get to manage shit as it happens -

--
it's thanksgiving in canada soon -

and columbus day in the us -

have a good weekend - every folks

Mark