I am hurting.

[LupinIII]

I have been staying quiet the past few weeks because I have been in a tremendous amount of pain. It was so easy to wallow around in anger and hatred. Hatred for my mother who verbally abused me and (as recently discovered) did so much more. Hatred for my pathological lying gambling addict father who left me in dire straits many times. Anger at my prejuidice, selfish mother-in-law who turned her back on her grandchildren.

Lately, anger has been replaced by realization. I have begun to understand that I will never have warm memories of childhood. I will never have a close family today. The only thing I have is my wife and children.

This is causing me tremendous pain...it is so hurtful...so real...my mother..incest...alcohol...I was programmed....

I realize that all I have is today, but accepting these truths....moving past the anger to see it for what it was and is....it is all so very difficult someitmes....

I guess there was always a hope...in the back of my mind...that people would change and I would have the family I dreamed of..but it aint gonna happen...I also understand that somewhere in my mind...after what my mother did...I dreamed up this intellectual sex kitten that would be my wife and married someone totally different...the problem is my paradigm never changed and somewhere inside of me i still think that my genius, porn queen can save me...if I want to live for today...and enjoy the family we have built...then I need to let go of my desire for something that will never be and create a passion for what is...but that too is hard...I am sorry to ramble but I am tired and am in much pain.....

 

[Ken Singer LCSW]

Lupin:
The past sure sucks. There is no undoing it. You have:

The only thing I have is my wife and children.

Good place to start. Although you can't change the past, you can have influence on the future. Hopefully, you have been a good father and husband. If you haven't, it's not necessarily too late. When survivors say that they will not inflict their children with what they went through, they are in a position to make a positive influence on vulnerable beings.

I hope you will do it right for them. It's a way to break the cycle of abuse you experienced.

Go for it.
Ken

 

[crisispoint]

Lupin,

As much as we may want it, the past is gone. This is a hard realization, I know that, but it's true.

So what do we have left?

The future? Not set in stone. We can IMAGINE what the future holds, slant things towards it, but in the end, it isn't written yet.

So, what do we have?

The present. The moment. The time we can appreciate and effect.

You have a wife and children. You can love and appreciate them and make what you want NOW. You CAN have the life you want, always have wanted, but you can do it now.

I wish these things never happened. I wish we could all turn back time, but the only thing we can do is live for the moment, in the moment, with the moment, and do what we can to make a happy and peaceful NOW!

I hope that you can get some peace with this knowledge. Enjoy your family. Love your wife. Teach your children well. Make the best NOW that you can.

The rest, as they say, will take care of itself.

Peace and love, brother,

Scot

 

[Bill_1965]

Lupin,

Lately, anger has been replaced by realization. I have begun to understand that I will never have warm memories of childhood.

The past is exactly what it was and will remain that. It cannot be changed. The realization of that is much better than being eaten by the anger.

I will never have a close family today. The only thing I have is my wife and children.

You may not have the close family of the past. But you have all the opportunity and reason to have the close family of today. Your family. Your wife and children.

it is all so very difficult someitmes....

Never have truer words been spoken.

Go ahead and ramble. Let the feelings out. Our thoughts and feelings come along all jumbled, like rambling, so rambling seems very fitting.

Take care,
Bill

 

[parttimecop]

Look at what I said in my other post tonight about the past. It puts us where we are today, but where we step from there is up to us now. We can choose self destruction or healing. It is up to us to do the best we can with what we have and who we are.