I am damned (MAY TRIGGER!)

I am damned (MAY TRIGGER!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
I posted something like this on the member boards, but I've spilled my guts here, so why should I hide? You deserve to know.

My therapist asked me today if I would kill my abuser if I had the chance. She had to. It's the law. I couldn't say no.

After finding out what he did IN ADDITION to everything else, I hate him enough to kill him and that shames me. I hate that I feel this way. I hate him for making me feel this way. I hate him into making me what he is. He destroyed my life without caring about it and now I can do the same to him.

I'm damned.

I'm ashamed for what I feel. I'm ashamed because I can kill. I'm ashamed I don't care.

I'm damned.

I'm sorry. I'm a hypocrite. You deserve better.

Scot
 
Scot Damned you are not. It is just that that son of a bitch causes you to think irrationally and only of murder. You are a better man than that. And all of us here know that.
 
scot - murderous thoughts are part of the poison of your experience coming out -
your anger is real and important -
this guy did horrible things to you -

mark
 
Scot
some days my abusers are at the top of a long list of people I'd like to murder !

And I'll be damned if I'm ever going to feel guilty about that.

Dave
 
Scot,

You are not damned. I know that you feel that way, but you are not. No one is damned for having legitimate and understandable (or even irrational) thoughts and feelings. You're reacting to the poison of a lifetime of being twisted by what was done to you. Guess what? I am reacting to a lifetime of the same crap. What I wish would happen to him and what I could do, given half a chance - well, 'nuff said. Let the poison out. Whatever God (Higher Power, etc.) there is understands and is bigger than to damn us for being innocent. Else, what's a heaven for?

Tom
 
I have never talked to a survivor that did not at some time or another want to kill his abuser.

That is a completely "normal" feeling.

However controlling feelings such as that is just one of the many things that differentiate us as survivors from those that abused us, and other criminals.

Part of this journey is recognizing and accepting that we have a host of buried and supressed feelings, and learning how to deal with them in a healthy and life enhancing way.

So don't worry so much about your feelings, just make sure you have the support you need to make sure you never act on them.

All my best.
BT
 
Scot - although my abuser is still alive and walking around, I don't know that I could kill him given the opportunity.

I am very slow to trust because of him, but I do have some good friends (something I realise more every day).

He has nothing...no more power...no one that really cares about him...he is walking that living hell now that we have experienced. I am moving far from the hell that I experienced....he is burning on his feet!

I don't wish harm on anyone, but I will enjoy watching him fade away to nothing! If I killed him, that would be too quick.

You're not damned...think more of yourself as a Phoenix, rising from the ashes.

*On another note, Iron Maiden - Children of the Damned is one of my favourite songs. If that's what we are, at least we rock....Scot - you rock!

Old English saying (poor one)...Chin Up... best wishes ..Rik
 
Scott:

If you ask a parent who has lost a child to a murder if they would kill the murderer most would say yes.

You are not damned.

You are human.

Hang tough and try to remember that anything you are thinking now is influenced by extreme feelings. If you can try and sit out the wave for a little bit and let the extreme wash over you.

Once again: You are not damned!
 
Scot,

Your are not damned. That is for sure.

Whenever I see a story in the news, whether it be on the tv or radio or in the paper; I want to kill the bastards. A slow and miserable death for them, still better than they deserve. And they weren't even the ones that did this to me. It is a natural instead.

You are better than he is. I know this, the guys here now this, and you know this. You have every right to have anger towards him. Even the thoughts of his death. Your hesitation to say "yes" says more about you than you lack of saying "no".

Take care,
Bill
 
I don't know what to say. I feel almost the same, except, I respect everyone's (even these sub-human ___________'s) right to breathe. That's the only thing that I respect about the person who assaulted me, nothing more, nothing less.
 
I feel that we all have those thoughts. i don't know if I ever could act on those thoughts but I often feel that i would like to cause harm to my abusers also. You will MAKE it.
 
Man, I can totally relate, both to wanting to kill my perpetrator and to feeling "damned." For most of my life I think I believed, at a deep level, that I was damned. But I have come to realize, in recovery, that I was pairing my perpetrator with God, which is the opposite of the truth.

We've survived, and we will continue to survive. You're feelings are totally normal, brother.

Jeff
 
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