Ceremony, Lee, Elad1, zookeeper, WG, Paul, Dark Empathy, WS, motmcd
Thank you for the support and kind words. This journey was not anything I could anticipate or have expected. It had many bumps and hurdles that needed to be jumped. I had days of good and days of despair. I had days where life was grand and then days where life almost extinguished from my soul.
Like everyone here, I faced the difficulties I lived with for a lifetime, my denial of something so real and cruel that robbed me of what no child should lose, my spirit, my soul, my future, my hopes and dreams and my love of myself. I suffered emotional, psychological and physical damage from the abuse. I did not know the cause, or maybe I did and refused to admit. Because to admit or have accepted the cause would have required me to accept the abuse, the abuser and more importantly the child within, who harbored the abuse. This child part at least in my fragmented mind was not me.
I have come a long way and the past few months have enriched my life, given validation to my life and more importantly resolution to something that happened to me by someone I was to trust and respect, the parish priest. I traveled with the Diocese since mid 2013. It was my first face to face meeting to tell of what had been done and not knowing if they would be there for me. Not quite sure if my emotions were right, so I treaded lightly. One thing I did know from that first meeting the words and facts expressed by the Diocese, my abuser was known to them. He was my demon and I dared not to share his name.
I had shared prior to this meeting my fate with the parish priest so I could have the courage or ability to enter the church where this all began to bury my mother. That priest set the wheels into motion for resolution. It may have taken three long years with much wear and tear on my mind and body. In the end it brought me to a place of peace and acceptance, a place of support from an institution who I believed would have turned as I confronted but they did not. I met people who have loved and supported me on this journey. I had to overcome the debilitation and destruction caused to me by those I gave much and understand the hurt that was caused to them. CSA is hard not only on the survivor but those around them.
I was able to speak with my friend about these events. My emotions took the best of me. It was in a good way, not from a place of pain but rather one of resolution and satisfaction. She said it was important to me to have this final validation because it was not mandated or put into place to appease or make something go away, but rather a gesture of kindness and compassion, a recognition of the Church’s responsibility of what happened to me.
She also helped me to understand I am facing the realities of those who have spread tales and lies to cover their tracks, to forego the pain or acceptance of their complicity in my unraveling and downfall that began almost 20 years ago with the onset of syncope. They created feelings of abandonment, feelings of loss, feelings of inadequacies within me and sadly some of these emotions in the children. They perpetuated the stories of my unraveling from denial of the abuse and dissociation, to the acts and words that propelled me into the states of dissociation and flashbacks. The stories have traveled far and wide, east and west coasts of the US, Ireland and recently heard them from a relative in England that I lost contact with many years ago. I realized their words and stories had a profound negative impact on my healing. They became destructive and pushed me toward the edge. I feared what others thought, but no longer do I have this fear, I have validation, I have the truth on so many levels.
Do I expect an apology and acknowledgement of their words and actions? No I do not expect. There is a saying and sadly it may apply here, thick as Mick and twice as thick. Meaning they are dense, know all, they cannot be wrong, and their world is the only sane and perfect one. Sadly, many are destroyed and held back by that world. I may have been this way but through healing and meeting many people, learning their frailties, their hurts and damages I find myself more empathic toward people and truly believe I cannot judge anyone until I walk in their shoes.
My friend was kind to those she spoke of, acknowledging we are all products of our childhood and parents do the best they can. Parents learn from their parents. She said a parent should never be so consumed to have a child’s love that the boundaries are crossed and the other parent ignored, shamed. bullied or attacked. A parent pushed from the table over and over is a parent who has been bullied. She said the lies and denials of my abuse should never have occurred to hide a child’s abuse of a parent, yes she said the spitting, the locking a person in the room, vandalizing and destroying personal property and invading a parent’s privacy, the abandoning, the verbal onslaughts is abuse, or to deny a parent’s absence from the lives of the children impacted their social and emotional development. The latter she said was enabling the former to occur. She reminded me hiding from this part of my recovery will only hold me back, I must face and be honest with myself. Those responsible or those who were complicit in the actions have to face the truth in order to heal. She said my not calling it what it was only allows them to continue to deny the roles they played in my unraveling.
I know she is right. I have the validation, I have the support and I have the recognition of the realities of the CSA. They only have their imagination and desire to bury the truth to protect themselves. I have the Diocese’s validation and outreach. The medical professionals now understand the cause of the syncope, as well as the dissociation, is rooted in the CSA. They have medical advice from those who know little of trauma or how the mind works. One day I hope they look at their lives and face it honestly and openly. If not, their lives will never be full. I am only coming into my life now and no one will push me back as I was for so many years.
I do hope to be able to attend the event. I was told I could bring a supporter and if my friend was here she would gladly go with me. However, I am not afraid to go alone for I will be amongst other brave and heroic people who are or have overcome the past of clergy sexual abuse. If they have support with them, I know these supporters will embrace all survivors. I look to meet with the Bishop and accept his heartfelt sorrow for what happened. The Diocese has offered this meeting several times but I chose not to participate.
I believe I am coming full circle. Maybe I am blessed to have the institution stand behind me so I can, maybe never 100%, complete my healing. I now know the tales and denials of my abuse by others have no hold over me today as they once did. Maybe the emotions come from that sense of freedom from the abuse, the abuser and from those who have attempted to destroy me without ever opening their minds to the realities of CSA.
I guess this invitation is what the doctor ordered to bring me the peace and give me the life that was taken so many years ago.
Thank you
Kevin
