I am bisexual and I am a man
My time with my T this morning has me rattled and I need to process via this post. Accepting that I am bisexual has been a rollercoaster of emotions as I think I have accepted it and then despair. My despair focuses exclusively on how it makes me different from the majority of men who are heterosexual. Sometimes I feel different, 'less than' and apart from the community of men.
Since I was a little boy, I wanted to be one of the guys. But I never did. I shrunk back from other boys because I wasn’t good at sports and my emotionally abusive mom fostered and took advantage of my “feminine” qualities. So I felt different and apart from other boys. That feeling has continued into adulthood as I consider myself different from men. Accepting my sexuality has been hard as I have lamented that it permanently cements my separation from most men.
Today during my session, as I talked about this I doubled over on the couch with a panic attack and then began to sob. Then my counselor did something he has never done before. He came and sat next to me on the couch and wrapped both of his arms around me, with my head effectively in his lap as I sobbed. A heterosexual man who knows about my sexuality was willing to embrace me. He is not disgusted by my sexuality. He does not consider my sexuality a defect. He does not consider me ‘less than’ him or other men. It was very risky for him to touch a client that way. He thinks I matter enough and cares for me enough that he was willing to take that risk. A heterosexual man thinks I matter enough that he was willing to take a risk.
That experience is already seared into my brain. How can I ever consider myself less than or apart from the community of men? Would some heterosexual men disqualify me or consider me ‘less than’ because of my sexuality – undoubtedly. But what do I care? The most influential person in my life cares about me and has told me in words and now through an embrace that I am not less than him or any man. I am bisexual and I am part of the community of men.
Since I was a little boy, I wanted to be one of the guys. But I never did. I shrunk back from other boys because I wasn’t good at sports and my emotionally abusive mom fostered and took advantage of my “feminine” qualities. So I felt different and apart from other boys. That feeling has continued into adulthood as I consider myself different from men. Accepting my sexuality has been hard as I have lamented that it permanently cements my separation from most men.
Today during my session, as I talked about this I doubled over on the couch with a panic attack and then began to sob. Then my counselor did something he has never done before. He came and sat next to me on the couch and wrapped both of his arms around me, with my head effectively in his lap as I sobbed. A heterosexual man who knows about my sexuality was willing to embrace me. He is not disgusted by my sexuality. He does not consider my sexuality a defect. He does not consider me ‘less than’ him or other men. It was very risky for him to touch a client that way. He thinks I matter enough and cares for me enough that he was willing to take that risk. A heterosexual man thinks I matter enough that he was willing to take a risk.
That experience is already seared into my brain. How can I ever consider myself less than or apart from the community of men? Would some heterosexual men disqualify me or consider me ‘less than’ because of my sexuality – undoubtedly. But what do I care? The most influential person in my life cares about me and has told me in words and now through an embrace that I am not less than him or any man. I am bisexual and I am part of the community of men.