I am a victim.

I don't know quite where to start.

I was abused. I don't remember when dad started, or when it finally ended. I don't remember most of the abuse.

I haven't been happy in a long time. I just finished losing my job, and am currently reaching the bottom of my latest self-destructive cycle. I'm trying to plan what happens next. I have three choices:

1) Kill the monster.

2) Kill myself.

3) Survive.

The attraction of the first is obvious. The man who was supposed to be my father was instead my boogy-man. He raped me over and over again. He still walks free. I could show him my wrath. I could make him pay.

The attraction of the second is also obvious. It's a way out of a life that has been filled with pain and shame. The man I would have become, the me that should have been, was murdered in my childhood. I am a poor reflection of that unsullied me.

The attraction of the third is not only obvious, but also a genetic imperative. I want to survive.

Of the three I want to choose the third, but I am broken. My responses to situations are rarely beneficial ones. I shut down to avoid conflict. I don't think that I deserve happiness or prosperity.

So I need help. But help from another human being is the last thing I trust. The first people that I trusted fucked me, one litterally and one figuratively. So I don't trust other people, I don't look for help, I don't survive.

I'm trying to break out of my self-destructive patterns. I'm reaching out for help. To you. To everyone.

I'm scared, and I'm in pain.

I would like to hear from all of you. Tell me how you got through this. Tell me how you're getting through this. Help me try to understand how to get through.

I've been thinking about getting help for awhile. I want you guys to help me. Show me the first step.


I want to start out by saying how impressed i am with your honesty towards yourself. Many of us have deluded ourselves for our whole lives, trying to make sense in our childhood minds what researchers still do not understand today.

All three of your options are relevant, but as you say, the third is where you ultimately need to go. You are already on that path. Ultimately, sexual abuse is about trust. it's about the fact that we can't trust those around us, but more importantly, it's about not being able to trust ourselves, not believing there may be some true goodness inside of us. So, posting here and being honest with us, is the first step in trusting. You are on your way my friend. I think the most difficult thing we can do as males is to have the courage to stop denying the impact of the abuse. You are already doing this. YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY.

Now what you need to do is find a support network where you live. Hopefully you can find a therapist who is aware of the intricacies of male childhood sexual abuse. They are out there, they just may be hard to find. One thing that may be a little ways down the road for you that I found helpful was finding a male support group for childhood SA. Understanding that I was not alone in all of that isolation and void of self-esteem was extremely liberating. No matter how bad you feel about yourself, there are men (including myself) who have felt that bad. You may not believe me right now, but it's the truth.

I think the internet is a wonderful medium for beginning the SA recovery process. There is distance between us, which allows us to let down those traditional masculine barriers, and facilitates helping each other.

Take care, and feel free to e-mail me individually for any support you may need,
jeb :D


Dan,It is good that you wrote your message this am, that means you are beginning to get your self out of the hole, which is called or aleast feels like hell, but remember hell is a permanent state, and you or I do not belong there, nor does anyone else that has gone thru this great destruction of our self and dignity being taken away. It hurts I know, Now what you have started is a new beginning to a new life,that means you are facing your abuser, and we face the ugly situation to realize that we dont want to be there, so then we must find a way out. The way is out is not always easy, nor fast, it must be slowl, like a deep breath, thought thru.
these processi may take longer then we want, but in order to come out stronger and healtheir- because of this terrible confusion
we say to our selves, "where to I start"
My abuser from the church is still not being held accountable for what he did to me, but I will not by the Grace of God , give up, if nothing else I want to ask him Why he did what he did, and what he plans on doing about it, and that is not the only abuser I have had either. It is tough I know Dan, Im crying right now just thinking about what you must be going thru. I will pray for you , I dont know if you believe in God,- If you can think this way about your abuse, here it goes-
God is an all perfect and loving
God, it is not God that does evil it is man, remember we have a free will , and that is the hard part of this life, but no matter what , God is our best friend, he never betrays us, never stops listening, and always will love us up to our very last breath, and Dan you , I, and all these survivors have a lot of breathing to do yet.

Well, I wish I could write more, and I will later , I must go now. I hope you are doing better after reading this and if any of this has offended you , I apologize for that and let me know where you feel I overstepped my

As I am in Christ and a friend if you need me




being scared is a terrible thing take a nice hot shower, wrap your arms around your self and just let it all out, that has worked for me. Of course professional help is a must, and we all care here, and please Dan, don't do anything to harm yourself, you a person that has self-worth, that is strong, but you cant go thru this alone. PLease feel free to read my posts if you want or are able too,

If i may ask how did you find this sight, it has been great for me to be here., I live in Michigan Im not sure if that is close to you, but emailing here is the next best thing to being there,( like ma bell said about the phone, now its email)

michael Joseph

I must say this is the best thing I have found NOMSV site, Dan reach out we are all in the same boat. I am going on a weekend in PA, they meet once a year in July. Mike Lew is part of it. I am also going to the Conference in Oct. I have been working on this for a while. Keep reaching out.



Waking up to the reality of the nightmare you already lived through is a bit of a shock, it was for me and i hear from others that are just coming to grips with it the same thing. There is just nothing about it that is warm and fuzzy at all. I added my story to the stories section and there is one part in there where i talk about what i did to get come to grips with it all, when your feeling strong you could check it out.

If you have the resources i would recommend you find a decent therapist to help you get through it, i strongly recommend interviewing at least three prospective therapists if you can, the initial meetings should be no charge, if they are not, that is a clue for me i am thinking about talking to the wrong person, you are talking about a fairly long comitment with a therapist cus this stuff take a while to unwind and they should be willing to have an initial meeting at no charge in light of that.

I got some great support at some 12 step meetings for survivors, either SIA or ISA Survivors of Incest Anonymous or Incest Survivors Anonymous, i think they are just about everywhere right now and the cost is negligable.

Building a network of suport for yourself is key to being able to work through this stuff as comfortably as possible, its a toughie no matter what, getting support in place when you start really helps a lot. This is a good place, i have seen nothing but caring help here.

I also wanted to add that i am impressed with your honesty and directness, both signs that your ready for some meaningful therapy and that your ready to start looking at this stuff with your eyes open and hopefully start making some sense out of your life.

I wish you the best and i hope you hang out here some.

Your not alone, and it will get better, all we really have to do is just keep talking.

Take care of yourself, see ya next time, John

ps. my vote is for option number three ;)

[ 05-23-2001: Message edited by: SoCalJohn ]


im working through the victim shit too, what a load of crap, if i had known what that bastard was going to do my life, the fucker be dead now, but like that victim part,the problem in thinking is that if i know now what getting fucked was going to do to me id have done myself, thats what a twisted mind thinks like,dam you know what, sometimes i can have the most civil thought and screw it up with just that quick thought of who i am, that most be why these posts are working, my counciler is sometimes amazed at the steps forword i make after visiting this place, it does not take all the credit, my counciler( who is the only person in this fucking world that knows more about me then other people,)who did not hesitat to ask me to come speak with her is great,as we have found our role modles were pervert shit heads,through all my isolation i have figured that one humanbein must know me if i am to realy exsit,if i were to die and no person knew i was there,god would not see me, there is no other person on this fucking plant or the hole galixy to save me from whats done, i hope i dont go to hell for it, that would be a bitch, see now the point mite be that we dont get nothing im mean we dont take nothing with us when god finly calls our number that maybe its not money or things that we leave behind, that i would like to leave my wrong doings here too,and maybe get some good stuff up there.


It was hard to respond to your post. It brought back a lot of memories of where I was at when I started to deal with the fact my brother abused me. I to faced the choice of ending my life or dealing with the abuse. it is a hard choice to make and I sometimes wish I had made the other choice. I wish you sucess with your recovery and pray that you will always have the courage to keep fighting




Everyone just about hits those low tides where giving up looks atrractive and there are times when your working your way through things that you sometimes wish you just had given up, but those are the low tides and they do pass and it is worth it to hang in there, you can build a good life for yourself.

Hang in there, it will get better.


I want to thank you guys.

It's hard for me to talk about this. I've told a few friends, but they don't really understand.

I'm looking for therapy right now, but I'm having trouble figuring out where to start. I live in Toronto and most of the resources I find on the web seems to be for Americans. If any of you know of something in Toronto I'd appreciate you passing it along.

I'm in a pretty bad way right now. My life is shit and it's probably not going to get better any time soon. That's hard. I'm having a lot of problems doing anything. I can't find the will to do things that I need to do.

I will get through this, I've gotten through worse.

But I'm so tired of being a victim. I'm furious that I am suffering because of what was done to me. I'm sad that I'll never get to be that other me, the one who had a happy childhood, the one who didn't get so broken that ordinary life is so extraordinarily difficult. I'm angry with myself and my mother for allowing it to happen.

I'm glad you're here. I don't know you, but I love you.




[john] hugs dan, dude, dont know anything in toronto, sorry bout that, try and remember through this to put the blame where it belongs, with your abuser, you did not allow anything to happen, you were a little boy, you had no say in it whatsoever, you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time, your looking at it now with a grown up brain, its a very different picture than what you saw at the time, your allright my friend, hang in there and let things come together, they will.




thank you for writing such a honest and descriptive account of your feelings

Does Toronto have a Health Dept, YWCA, Commnunity Mental Health, look in the phone book under abuse, sexual abuse, counselors,
call your local welfare office, ask if they know of any help, I went to a womans shelter and they helped me with counseling. National Clearinghouse on Family Violence
Health Promotion and Programs Branch
Health Canada Address Locator: #0201A1
Ottawa, Canada
K1A 1B4
(613) 957-2938
Fax: (613) 941-8930 or call toll-free: 1-800-267-1291
FaxLink: (613) 941-7285 or toll-free: 1-888-267-1233

I hope this helps

and I want thank you for your message
and I would like to say I love you too as a survivor we all need genuine love,