I am a Survivor
My abuse was a one time violent attack on me by an older kid when I was in my early adolescence. I have a number of other trauma experiences that I will not get into here, but the one time assault was the key thing that is relevant here. I will not get into too much graphic detail of the abuse here right now. I will probably do that in a future post.
To sum it up, I was in my early adolescence and I was drinking a lot of beer with friends. I got into a fight with another kid and then my friend blind sided me. He hit me several times in the head. I later found out he was trying to keep me from hurting the kid that I was fighting with. Anyway, he hit me several times in the head and knocked me semi-conscious. So I was already inebriated and then I was knocked out momentarily. The drinking party ended, everyone left the house, and then the kid who hit me in the head dragged me to a bedroom and abused me.
All this stuff is really bad memory because I was loaded with alcohol and semi-conscious due to being hit in the head. Anyway, the abuse freaked me out. It threatened my mental stability and left me questioning my masculinity. I became sexually compulsive with girls and women because I was insecure with my manhood. I thought that if I engaged in a lot of sexual behavior with females that it would "prove" my masculinity and manhood. So it really screwed me up and made it difficult for me to establish normal healthy relationships with women. The abuse also made me angry. I was already pretty angry from other traumas (early death of my father and other traumas). Another way to "prove" my manhood who to be aggressive against other males. I would get into fights a lot and was very aggressive if someone would insult me or mess with me in any way. Being tough and fighting other men "proved" my manhood to me.
Anyway, I am middle aged now. I have a life long diagnosis of PTSD and Bipolar Disorder. I have worked past a lot of my anger and I am pretty non-violent. I am actually a very caring and compassionate person underneath the hurt. The main problem I have with my abuse is that it messed me up to the point where it ruined a few attempts by me to have a long term romantic relationship with a few different women. So I am still trying to date now. I find it easier to date women who also have psychiatric conditions and trauma experiences. I feel like I can relate better to a woman who understands what it was like to be hurt the way that I was hurt.
So I am still processing this trauma, and not just this trauma, but a compound trauma. I almost got married to the girl I dated in College but the relationship fell apart due to my mental and emotional issues. So I have never been married and this was a direct result of the original trauma. Losing the relationship was a consequence of the trauma, and there has been a sort of chain reaction of various kinds of loss like this (losing a romantic relationship, etc.).
That is where I am at right now. I am open to any suggestions about how to heal more from my losses. Also maybe suggestions about how to pursue a romantic relationship despite the trauma issues. Thanks!
To sum it up, I was in my early adolescence and I was drinking a lot of beer with friends. I got into a fight with another kid and then my friend blind sided me. He hit me several times in the head. I later found out he was trying to keep me from hurting the kid that I was fighting with. Anyway, he hit me several times in the head and knocked me semi-conscious. So I was already inebriated and then I was knocked out momentarily. The drinking party ended, everyone left the house, and then the kid who hit me in the head dragged me to a bedroom and abused me.
All this stuff is really bad memory because I was loaded with alcohol and semi-conscious due to being hit in the head. Anyway, the abuse freaked me out. It threatened my mental stability and left me questioning my masculinity. I became sexually compulsive with girls and women because I was insecure with my manhood. I thought that if I engaged in a lot of sexual behavior with females that it would "prove" my masculinity and manhood. So it really screwed me up and made it difficult for me to establish normal healthy relationships with women. The abuse also made me angry. I was already pretty angry from other traumas (early death of my father and other traumas). Another way to "prove" my manhood who to be aggressive against other males. I would get into fights a lot and was very aggressive if someone would insult me or mess with me in any way. Being tough and fighting other men "proved" my manhood to me.
Anyway, I am middle aged now. I have a life long diagnosis of PTSD and Bipolar Disorder. I have worked past a lot of my anger and I am pretty non-violent. I am actually a very caring and compassionate person underneath the hurt. The main problem I have with my abuse is that it messed me up to the point where it ruined a few attempts by me to have a long term romantic relationship with a few different women. So I am still trying to date now. I find it easier to date women who also have psychiatric conditions and trauma experiences. I feel like I can relate better to a woman who understands what it was like to be hurt the way that I was hurt.
So I am still processing this trauma, and not just this trauma, but a compound trauma. I almost got married to the girl I dated in College but the relationship fell apart due to my mental and emotional issues. So I have never been married and this was a direct result of the original trauma. Losing the relationship was a consequence of the trauma, and there has been a sort of chain reaction of various kinds of loss like this (losing a romantic relationship, etc.).
That is where I am at right now. I am open to any suggestions about how to heal more from my losses. Also maybe suggestions about how to pursue a romantic relationship despite the trauma issues. Thanks!