I almost became a monster (Triggers and very explicit language)

[Ivo]

In Friday I went to Zagreb with mine US boyfriend J. and another friend. They had been invited to the birthday party on Saturday of one gay friend and I went with them because I wanted to see mine brother (he is living there). I wanted finally to speak with him about mine abuse and gayness.
Eventually we arrived at midnight. Mine brother was out in some clubs with his friends and he didn't hear mine calls.
Mine friends wanted me to go with them in gay club.
At the end I agreed and we went there together.

First couple of hours was everything fine, we listened music and relaxed with drinks. The club was not much big and it became clear that all people noticed that we are new faces.
J. started to disappear from time to time while I was talking with some people.
After awhile he came and said that one guy is interesting in me and that I should start to speak with him. I say ok, the guy was nice and polite and we had normal conversation. After 20 minutes I decided that I want to see where is damn J.
I checked every corner, toilet, all bars but couldn't find him.
I was mad. Than again I checked all rooms, all halls and finally found him. He was in very intimate position with one guy. They were speaking very close to each other, almost touching with lips.
Mine blood was boiling inside. I came in front of them and J. told me to sit near him. He hug me and said that this guy is also interested in me. Mine heart was torn apart. Firstly, he was lying to me so obviously, secondly, I told him million times that I am not promiscuous and that I am not interested in sex with strangers.
J. said that I must speak with that guy because he is very handsome and his body is almost beautiful as mine and such bullsh*t things.
Guy was delighted when I started to speak with him on perfect Croatian accent. He told me that a lot of people are interested in me, that I am one of the hottest guys that night and that usually most of the local guys want to f**k with foreigners. He told me with smile that every weekend he is trying to find someone else for sex.
Than he left me with J.
J. told me that I shouldn't be so inflexible because this could be mine night. I again told him that I am not interested in sex with other people, that other people mean nothing to me but he didn't want to listen to me. We came back to the third friend and J. disappeared again after awhile.

I felt very angry at J. and his games with other people in the dark corners.

That anger broke something inside of me.
I started to drink heavily. Guy that was with J. few minutes ago started to dance on stage. He took down his jersey. His muscles were an invitation for me. I felt that I am starting to loose control. Demons that I kept for so long time in my mind wanted to go out and my boyfriend wanted them out also. I jumped like cat on the stage. I started to provoke that dancing guy. I touched him all over his body, I wanted to smell his skin, I wanted to touch his nipples. He was in trance and I had all power on him. I kissed him in ear and than just walked away.
Than J. brought to me another guy and I started aggressively to kiss him. He was also totally lost in mine hands. I started to play with him, he was toy in mine hands and I remembered how I felt when I was toy in hands of mine perp. I remembered how he pushed me to have first orgasm at age of six. I remembered how he destroyed mine mind and childhood with sex. Than I just walked away from that guy with mine thoughts that were cold as ice.
I did this to couple of guys in very short time. I would be few minutes with my victim and I would just go away without explanation. Some lesbians wanted to approach me also and I chosen to kiss and touch with one of them.

All the time J. was out of mine sight intentionally.

Some of the people that were with me were desperate and angry at each other. They didn't have any idea with whom would I at the end choose to have sex.

Than came J., it was time to close club. He told me with the sweetest smile that some guys, whit whom I messed around, invited us to their flat (how nice, they were so generous to agree to share me between themselves). He intentionally said that in the most innocent way, he added that he is very hungry and we would have a nice breakfast at their department.
I immediately had pictures of gay group sex in my mind. I felt my desire to f**k them all, one by one, I wanted to watch their faces during their orgasm. I wanted to lick and bite their bodies. I wanted to do to them million other, very ugly, things.
I wanted to exploit their stupid wish and easiness for sex. I wanted to use them like objects.
I wanted to be just like mine perp - sex monster.

I tried to find energy to stop this, I was shacking, I was drunk and I felt sick because of so big sex drive in my mind.

So I said to mine "lovely" US boy that I am going to take taxi and that he and his friends can go I do not care where to do I do not care what.

I was very angry because I lost control over myself so easy and stupidly because of J. and his acting.

J and friend decided that they would leave with me so we left the club.

During our walking from the club one girl told to her friend that this was the best fooling around with so many people that she saw in recent time.
This was so true and brutal. I was very cruel to other people that night.

I spent Saturday and Sunday with mine brother. He was so supportive for me. He would like that I move to live in Zagreb so he could be near me. He doesn't want to say how much I did disappoint him with mine acts but I can feel it, and he has full right to feel on this way.

On Sunday I met J. and friend in the one restaurant in the old town. They had party night before and they looked exhausted. J. was totally dizzy, he couldn't speak and he looked really ill.
He slept all the way back. I watched him and I wondered what would I do with him in mine life? How come that I love such bad man that doesn't want to understand me at all?
Despite mine anger at him, he was sleeping like sweet small tomcat on the couch (I am a giant compared to him) and I enjoyed to look him like that.
I smiled sadly, he was so beautiful and innocent in such miserable state.

Couple of hours later we were in mine town. I hug J. and he kissed me. Ironically, I felt his pain because I had to leave him when he was so wounded. He tried to give apology to me but it was too late, mine heart was broken in thousand of pieces.

I was an inch close to lose completely all efforts that I made to be normal as much as possible.

I won't go any more at any gay club with anyone.

I also do not want to have sex with anyone any more.

What I see is that gay people are emotionally undeveloped. Only thing that they know is sex. Few exceptions probably exist but it is impossible for me to start searching for them on safe way, I am too vulnerable.

I told everything to mine brother and sister. They are in such big pain and worry because of me, at the same time they can not do much for me.
I started to have very dark and sad thoughts; I hope that they would go away soon.

J. is going on Friday to US.
He would see many new and old lovers there.
He has them in dozens states and countries world wide.
Only God knows real number.
I am not sure that he can love anybody.
But I can love him even if that is the case.

Do you know these words from Norah Jones song:

No I won't go to share you with them
But oh even though I know where you've been
I can't help myself
I've got to see you again


So what should I have to do with such man? How?
Help me, I am completely lost.


Ivo

 

[lostcowboy]

Hello Ivo, I am sorry that you are in such pain. I have been staring at the screen for about a hour trying to come up with something to say. I think you should be with your brother for now. The reason is this statement. (I started to have very dark and sad thoughts; I hope that they would go away soon.) In your last post to me you said, (In relation to your feeling of less aggressiveness - this could just mean that you are more emotionally sensitive guy. This could be great advantage for higher quality of relationships.) I think that you are also a emotionally sensitive guy. I don't know how much we are alike, but it takes me about nine months to get rid of the dark and sad thoughts. So I want you where you can have emotional support from a family member during this trying time.

I think I will paste here my reply to your last post to me.
Ivo, you are right in that I am a emotionally sensitive guy, I used to try to tone it down, so as to fit in better with the macho guys on the submarines. Of interest, when the guys had something bothering them they would come and discuss it with me, as I am a good listener.
Ivo if you need someone to talk to, feel free to knock on my door. I may not be able to give any good advice, but some times you just need someone to hear what you are saying.

PS: I also think Danny is a good listener, and may be able to give you good advice.
PPS: I do not think you almost became a Monster!! I think it is you almost gave into your sex drive, you know the caveman! Some times when we get really drunk he gets loose!

 

[Mike Church]

Ivo I never had he experience that you did. I did however have group scenese with several men in my prostitution days. I was searching for as much degredation as I could find in a short period of time.

Ivo if I may I would like to give you my take on this. You were in love (and still may be) with your beautiful American boyfriend. as you said everything went well at first. And then things started to happen. From the way you told it you were hurt by what you boyfriend said and did. So what did you do??? You lashed out the only way you knew how. It could have been to make him mad or to show him your pain. Either way it definitely was not your fault and you are not a monster. You were like a child of long ago who was betrayed. That was it I think.

Ivo as far as I am concerned you are too good for that man. Do not despair someone will find you or you will find them. One thing that did happen was the kindness of your brother and sister. They truly love you.

Do not beat yourself up over this. Sex is all about caring sharing and giving without expectation from both parties in a context of a gay or straight union. It is the same. Ivo you gave without expectation and it was not for him to do the same. You actually called it like it was. He was a beautiful tomcat that revealed his true nature. There are many people in this world who are gluttons of one type or another and he was one of those unfortunate people

Thank you for sharing this sadness with us.

 

[Rustam]

Hi Ivo,

I think you are being too hard on yourself, calling yourself a sex monster Your perp was a child abuser, you had adult consent with those men. The two are in no way comparable. If you feel you were acting out because of your hurt and anger then you can find ways to avoid the triggers, and only be sexual when it feels comfortable and safe for you.

What you do about your boyfriend is up to you, if you are going to be continuously hurt by his promiscuity then perhaps despite your love for him you need to think about your future with him. I was in love with a promiscuous guy for a long time and I was getting really hurt until I left. It is not easy to leave someone you love; I hope you can find ways not to get so hurt in your relationship. Maybe you can talk with him about how you feel, how hurt you were and how you are not being inflexable. You deserve love, respect and understanding.

Take good care.

Rustam

 

[Ivanhoe]

Ivo,

You are far from being a monster, but I must first tell you how brave I think that you are to tell us of such intimate and sensitive details of your trip. You really let us in to a very private part of your life which honors and calls us all to a higher level in our own lives. I like what Rustam, Mikey and lcb say in response to you; they are good, thinking friends, who care about you.
I had a girlfriend like your boyfriend...she could play around and flirt and watch me for a reaction. I hated that, I thought that it was so cheap and unloving, to say the least. On that level I identify with you, but don't go giving yourself such a bad time for trying to let your boyfriend know that he was hurting you. It just sounds like he didn't GET IT, at all.
I've read some of your posts and I know that you are a caring, loving person, who gives support and encouragement easily and with great concern. Don't sell yourself short, someone else will see who and what you are and they will be deserving of you and what you bring to a relationship.

Peace, strength and courage, this road called recovery can be incredibly rocky at times. Keep loving and caring, you WILL meet that someone who is worthy of your strength and character.

David

 

[Ivo]

Dear friends,
I can only say to all of you thank you very much on your kindness and support.

I had serious discussion with J. He apologized to me. He knows that he mad mistake and that I am angry with him.
But I do not expect that he would be fateful or that he would start to take less drink.
Actually I am pretty sure that he would act on the same way in next situation like that.

Deep inside he is so desperate to find love and affection by all, in many cases totally wrong, means. His family history is terribly empty of love from his parents.
It seems that I had bad luck to find someone who is also very wounded like myself but on much different way.
He is not yet ready to fully open to me.
I'll wait for that moment very carefully.

Lostcowboy I am very emotionally sensitive indeed; when I was in army I had to be father, older brother, friend, therapist and many more things to guys in my unit. I never regret that I was like that and all guys were good friends to me.

Mike, I think that you exactly know on what level of degradation I thought. Thank you for sharing this.
I decided that I won't expect much from him but I would try to give him everything from my side. At least I would try even at the end I would maybe be fool.

Rustam, I'll try to avoid risk situations as much as possible. At the moment I am very weak and not able to leave him no matter how much did he hurt me.

David, thank you for your beautiful words, I appreciate it a lot.

Ivo