I’m still standing!
My story:
When I was about 4 my step dad had a heart attack. Mom was going with him to the hospital they were sending him to 2 hours away, my grandparents were taking her clothes, and my dad and his family were useless. So she left us at a day care that was an over night place recommended by a nurse friend from church. While there the kids made fun of me for my speech impediment and I got in a fight and in trouble. Then dinner rolled around and I hated greens and cornbread which they served. You could not get your milk till you cleared your plate. I gagged it all down… literally gagging the entire time… it took me over and hour and they sat me in front of an air conditioner unit on high so I was freezing. Then came time to lay down… there was a room full of cots. After we laid down and lights turned off, the door opened and the husband of the daycare owner came in. He grabbed my hand and walked me out… I looked back and my brother was crying asking him to let me stay with him… we went into another room that had one cot in between a tv and a sofa. We sat on the sofa and talked. Talked about me being in trouble for my fight and my problems with dinner. What would my mom say? I was always in trouble with mom so that wasn’t a pleasant thought. He said I could get out of all that and watch tv while I went to sleep. I asked how and he said I just had to play a big boy game with him. So I was like sure. That’s when it happened. He turned on porn and started touching me. He had me touch him and then we got on the cot together. Our grandparents picked us up and it was still dark… we went for biscuits at Burger King and I was telling my grandpa I got to watch tv in a room with the adults while I went to sleep! He picked me… my brother had to stay with the kids. He asked why was I separated was I in trouble? I said no… he wanted to play big boy games is all. He asked what kinda games… he was assuming actual games. So as I start explaining the sexual activities in the middle of the restaurant loudly as an excited kid who felt special… my grandparent freaked. They yelled at me and told me to shut up… I realized then I’d done something bad! I was in trouble again… they took me to mom and I had to tell her. So I said he made me do this and I didn’t want to… which wasn’t true. I felt like I’d get caught in a lie. She started throwing up. Things spiraled… I spent weeks talking with cops and counselors. Nothing happened to the guy. The authorities did shut down the daycare center though.
About a year later my mom and step dad had a meeting after church. A family friend with kids was gonna keep us after morning service and bring us back to night service where mom would get us. While we were at their house the teenage son saw me making two G.I. Joe dolls kiss. He asked me what I was doing? I said nothing… something about how he was acting scared me. He asked me had I ever kissed anyone. I’m like of course. He asked how… show him with the joes. So I did. He said that’s not a kiss. And walked away. A little while later all of us (my brother, the three of their kids, and me) were outside playing hide and seek. It was my turn to count. We were suppose to count to 100. I’d made it to 20 and heard someone walking up… then he grabbed me and slammed me up against the tree. Being only 5 my feet was no where near the ground. The bark was digging in to my back. He said this is how you kiss. He pulled my legs so they were around his upper thighs like I was sitting on his lap and leaned into me. Grabbed my face and kissed me hard. He grab my crotch then then grabbed my hand and made me touch him. I opened my mouth to say stop… he shoved his tongue in my mouth and then to the back of my throught. I gagged. He dropped me and I threw up. He laughed and said see you’re not ready to kiss and left me there. A few minutes later the others came looking for me since I never came looking for them… they found me crying and sitting by my vomit. I just said I was sick and needed to go home. Out of all my experiences… this one was the most aggressive to me.
A few months after the kissing incident… I had a nightmare. Ironically it was about my first abuse. I normally would get in my brothers bed but he wasn’t with me. I went and asked my parents if I could lay with them. They said ask {my stepbrother} if I could sleep with him. He was 9 years older than me. So I went to his room and knocked. I went in and asked and he was not happy. But he let me in his bed. After a few minutes I felt the bed moving and realized he was rocking the bed. I asked him what he was doing and he said nothing just go to sleep…. a few minutes passed and I said your touching your privates… he said yea it feels good… so I rolled over and watched him. That was it. I couldn’t get that out of my mind for days. A few nights later I pretended I’d had the dream and said I’m gonna see if I can lay with {stepbrother} to mom. I asked him if I could and he said sure! He didn’t wait and started right away but this time pulled the cover down and opened the curtain so I could see. This went on a couple more pretend bad dreams nights and sleeping with him. Then one night he was not doing it and I was disappointed. He was snuggling me. Something he always did and I loved it. Then I felt him poking me with something. He said it was just the flash light and showed me a flash light. A few minutes later I realized it wasn’t… but didn’t say anything. That night he came on my back (I’d started sleeping in nothing but underwear in his room cause it was “a big boys room”) I laughed cause I thought he sneezed on me. He said he was sorry as he wiped it off. Things progress from there. We ended up doing everything. Let me correct that. He never touched my penis. I didn’t even know I could get good feelings from touching it till I was like 13. My pleasure came from grinding and anal stimulation. Anyway… the only time I remember being upset was the first time he finished in me. I thought he peed in me and started crying. He laughed and told me what it was. I felt like a fool! I was so embarrassed I’d cried and he laughed at me… there are several holes in my memory… issues that are cloudy. But then he disappeared one day and moved out. This happened when I was at my dad’s for a weekend. I was devastated. A few months later I stayed at a friends and he knew I liked my stepbrother so we left his house to go to where my stepbrother was staying. We did it again that day. It’s always worried me that what we did lead him to his drug addiction.
Those three stand out the most to me. There were some guys who did what I call inappropriate stuff or let me be inappropriate. Like my barber who would grind himself against me when he cut my hair. I could feel his penis and then he’d put my hand in his crotch. This was when I was a little kid. Or my 8th grade teacher who’d do the same thing when answering questions when I was alone with him… he’d also fondle me. Or my dad’s friends who would bounce me on their crotch with their erections poking me when they played poker and say inappropriate things about me being the prize, the teen boys at church who did that during service. The teen who showed me how to zip our sleeping bags together at a lock in so I could snuggle with him to play. Looking back I realize how curious I was and how I’d navigate to situations where I could touch people… but as an adult I couldn’t image letting a kid sit there… if they hop in my lap my legs are closed or I scoot them towards my knee… it’s just instinct. I don’t get why these guys wouldn’t. Especially don’t get them encouraging the grinding. The inappropriate comments. Or down actions. Doesn’t make sense.
That’s it… my story. Not dramatic. As a gay kid (I knew I like boys early on) the confusion was not understanding why I was suppose to hate what happen… I mean except the boy from church! He was just mean! I get now that it was wrong but then I didn’t understand why I was suppose to be grossed out by sex, or why I had to like girls, etc. Have felt a lot of guilt about it too. Grew up being told sex before marriage sends you to hell… so been scared of that since I was 6. I mean not anymore lol. It’s just a lot! The religious trauma, bullying, physical and emotional abuse caused a lot of damage too! That with what’s listed above… makes it hard some days! But no matter what, I’m still standing!
When I was about 4 my step dad had a heart attack. Mom was going with him to the hospital they were sending him to 2 hours away, my grandparents were taking her clothes, and my dad and his family were useless. So she left us at a day care that was an over night place recommended by a nurse friend from church. While there the kids made fun of me for my speech impediment and I got in a fight and in trouble. Then dinner rolled around and I hated greens and cornbread which they served. You could not get your milk till you cleared your plate. I gagged it all down… literally gagging the entire time… it took me over and hour and they sat me in front of an air conditioner unit on high so I was freezing. Then came time to lay down… there was a room full of cots. After we laid down and lights turned off, the door opened and the husband of the daycare owner came in. He grabbed my hand and walked me out… I looked back and my brother was crying asking him to let me stay with him… we went into another room that had one cot in between a tv and a sofa. We sat on the sofa and talked. Talked about me being in trouble for my fight and my problems with dinner. What would my mom say? I was always in trouble with mom so that wasn’t a pleasant thought. He said I could get out of all that and watch tv while I went to sleep. I asked how and he said I just had to play a big boy game with him. So I was like sure. That’s when it happened. He turned on porn and started touching me. He had me touch him and then we got on the cot together. Our grandparents picked us up and it was still dark… we went for biscuits at Burger King and I was telling my grandpa I got to watch tv in a room with the adults while I went to sleep! He picked me… my brother had to stay with the kids. He asked why was I separated was I in trouble? I said no… he wanted to play big boy games is all. He asked what kinda games… he was assuming actual games. So as I start explaining the sexual activities in the middle of the restaurant loudly as an excited kid who felt special… my grandparent freaked. They yelled at me and told me to shut up… I realized then I’d done something bad! I was in trouble again… they took me to mom and I had to tell her. So I said he made me do this and I didn’t want to… which wasn’t true. I felt like I’d get caught in a lie. She started throwing up. Things spiraled… I spent weeks talking with cops and counselors. Nothing happened to the guy. The authorities did shut down the daycare center though.
About a year later my mom and step dad had a meeting after church. A family friend with kids was gonna keep us after morning service and bring us back to night service where mom would get us. While we were at their house the teenage son saw me making two G.I. Joe dolls kiss. He asked me what I was doing? I said nothing… something about how he was acting scared me. He asked me had I ever kissed anyone. I’m like of course. He asked how… show him with the joes. So I did. He said that’s not a kiss. And walked away. A little while later all of us (my brother, the three of their kids, and me) were outside playing hide and seek. It was my turn to count. We were suppose to count to 100. I’d made it to 20 and heard someone walking up… then he grabbed me and slammed me up against the tree. Being only 5 my feet was no where near the ground. The bark was digging in to my back. He said this is how you kiss. He pulled my legs so they were around his upper thighs like I was sitting on his lap and leaned into me. Grabbed my face and kissed me hard. He grab my crotch then then grabbed my hand and made me touch him. I opened my mouth to say stop… he shoved his tongue in my mouth and then to the back of my throught. I gagged. He dropped me and I threw up. He laughed and said see you’re not ready to kiss and left me there. A few minutes later the others came looking for me since I never came looking for them… they found me crying and sitting by my vomit. I just said I was sick and needed to go home. Out of all my experiences… this one was the most aggressive to me.
A few months after the kissing incident… I had a nightmare. Ironically it was about my first abuse. I normally would get in my brothers bed but he wasn’t with me. I went and asked my parents if I could lay with them. They said ask {my stepbrother} if I could sleep with him. He was 9 years older than me. So I went to his room and knocked. I went in and asked and he was not happy. But he let me in his bed. After a few minutes I felt the bed moving and realized he was rocking the bed. I asked him what he was doing and he said nothing just go to sleep…. a few minutes passed and I said your touching your privates… he said yea it feels good… so I rolled over and watched him. That was it. I couldn’t get that out of my mind for days. A few nights later I pretended I’d had the dream and said I’m gonna see if I can lay with {stepbrother} to mom. I asked him if I could and he said sure! He didn’t wait and started right away but this time pulled the cover down and opened the curtain so I could see. This went on a couple more pretend bad dreams nights and sleeping with him. Then one night he was not doing it and I was disappointed. He was snuggling me. Something he always did and I loved it. Then I felt him poking me with something. He said it was just the flash light and showed me a flash light. A few minutes later I realized it wasn’t… but didn’t say anything. That night he came on my back (I’d started sleeping in nothing but underwear in his room cause it was “a big boys room”) I laughed cause I thought he sneezed on me. He said he was sorry as he wiped it off. Things progress from there. We ended up doing everything. Let me correct that. He never touched my penis. I didn’t even know I could get good feelings from touching it till I was like 13. My pleasure came from grinding and anal stimulation. Anyway… the only time I remember being upset was the first time he finished in me. I thought he peed in me and started crying. He laughed and told me what it was. I felt like a fool! I was so embarrassed I’d cried and he laughed at me… there are several holes in my memory… issues that are cloudy. But then he disappeared one day and moved out. This happened when I was at my dad’s for a weekend. I was devastated. A few months later I stayed at a friends and he knew I liked my stepbrother so we left his house to go to where my stepbrother was staying. We did it again that day. It’s always worried me that what we did lead him to his drug addiction.
Those three stand out the most to me. There were some guys who did what I call inappropriate stuff or let me be inappropriate. Like my barber who would grind himself against me when he cut my hair. I could feel his penis and then he’d put my hand in his crotch. This was when I was a little kid. Or my 8th grade teacher who’d do the same thing when answering questions when I was alone with him… he’d also fondle me. Or my dad’s friends who would bounce me on their crotch with their erections poking me when they played poker and say inappropriate things about me being the prize, the teen boys at church who did that during service. The teen who showed me how to zip our sleeping bags together at a lock in so I could snuggle with him to play. Looking back I realize how curious I was and how I’d navigate to situations where I could touch people… but as an adult I couldn’t image letting a kid sit there… if they hop in my lap my legs are closed or I scoot them towards my knee… it’s just instinct. I don’t get why these guys wouldn’t. Especially don’t get them encouraging the grinding. The inappropriate comments. Or down actions. Doesn’t make sense.
That’s it… my story. Not dramatic. As a gay kid (I knew I like boys early on) the confusion was not understanding why I was suppose to hate what happen… I mean except the boy from church! He was just mean! I get now that it was wrong but then I didn’t understand why I was suppose to be grossed out by sex, or why I had to like girls, etc. Have felt a lot of guilt about it too. Grew up being told sex before marriage sends you to hell… so been scared of that since I was 6. I mean not anymore lol. It’s just a lot! The religious trauma, bullying, physical and emotional abuse caused a lot of damage too! That with what’s listed above… makes it hard some days! But no matter what, I’m still standing!