I’m not good enough, I won’t cope.

JethroTull

Registrant
Three years ago I went off sick with mental health issues, which quickly descended into a six week hospital stay. Two years of gaslighting by someone at work, and a demanding role, which I loved, and a cancer scare, all played their part in my spiral down would, opening my childhood box of emotions, the conflicts resulting from trauma and lose of identity, that are created when a eight year is raped and abused, neglected, scared and bullied.

I went back to work a year later but didn’t feel I was not firing on all cylinders, I didn’t feel safe and my team struggled with the very different me. Two of them stopping talking to me all together. After twelve month back at work they laid me off. Which at the time was both a blow to my confidence and blessed release, that was December last year. I thought I would take some time and start looking for a job in March April time. A good plan as that is when jobs start coming through after Christmas. But then Covid hit and the job market dried up. Jobs I was on final interview for disappeared, and that was before lockdown.

So here I am twelve months after being made redundant and I have finally got a great job, it is going to be a lot of pressure, and hard work and a lot of travelling, but it brings together everything I enjoyed doing before my illness. So why am I feeling so scared, frightened, I won’t cope or be able to do the job I’ve talked myself into? I’ve had many first days before, with first day nerves, but it now feel different, the emotions I had locked so tightly prior to being ill are now free and running around my body all the time. I’m scared and insecure and feel vulnerable, that my dirty little secret, what layer out all over the floor in my last job follow me to this new one. I’m scared the coping strategies I learnt to cope with fear, and remove the threats, the acting out the needing to be abused by strangers will come back and take me over again. The little boy inside me is screaming - noooo, you’re just going to get us hurt again! Your just going to be humiliated and belittled once again.

Please help, how do I master this before my January start?
 
Last edited:

CarbonTiger

Registrant
**You are good enough and you have the ability to cope**

Our brains are wired to protect us from danger. Its a catch-22, when you're a survivor.

Do you need to be a master in order to succeed? I hate to answer your question with a question my friend. But i'm curious.

You have displayed such resilience and endurance. You're a survivor after-all still learning. Can you learn to overcome what you have already done in the past?

Ultimately, what does your heart say? Our minds can often control our thoughts and remove us from what our true heart thinks. Follow that and you will not be lead astray.

JethroTull is a great band btw! Music is very powerful in nature, maybe your answers are there. Best of luck buddy.

-Ct
 

JethroTull

Registrant
Thank you I know the logic, but I feel like I was pushed out of a frying pan last year for failing, and I have spent a year being safe in my little bubble, but I am jumping in out into the unknown. Bofore l was breakdown, hyper vigilance, ptsd type episodes, and several suicide attempts, I would have taken this in my stride, it just feel so very different now.

Jethro Tull is my favourite band, one of the greatest rock band that will never enter the hall of fame. As an environmental sustainability specialist their lyrics have always been relatable, especially the heavy horses and Songs from the wood albums. But I do have them all. Lol.
 
Last edited:

CarbonTiger

Registrant
**You are good enough and you have the ability to cope**

... but I feel like I was pushed out of a frying pan last year for failing, and I have spent a year being safe in my little bubble...
You did not fail, unless you give up. And even if you did give up, who cares? Only you get to decide on your failures. I failed out of college. People always ask me will you go back? No, why? I want to move on from that, it was to expensive then and its not for me. I learned through that failure over time. Oh it did suck during it, but I was able to see through to the end. Can you see through to the end? What do you believe will happen?

Those feelings have an imagination attached to them. What would happen if you nourished your imagination on everything turning out wonderful? That the worst was finally over. You lived. You succeeded and the pain was just a memory. Those turbulences receding and fading away.

Believe. I wish you all the best my friend.
-Ct
 

AnyMouse

Registrant
I agree with CT, you did not fail. Life gives you test first and the lesson is only visible after you make your way through the test. Rock bottom has made more hero’s and legends than a life of ease will ever even know about. I feel sorry for people who have never had to struggle, they have no idea who they are or what they are made of. Life is messy and we are survivors. I wish you peace, calm and strength. And always love.

AM
 
This might be lazy, but I agree with CT and AM. I SEE NO FAILURE. I understand Sids desire to not want to be hurt, but re.ember you and he are incredibly strong. He and you have survived abuse. That for an 8 year-old are devastating. That is an incredible win.

You got this.

Peace my friend.
 

Rick K

Registrant
Jethro,
In order to get your new job, you were able to put aside your younger, fearful self and with self confidence went out and impressed an employer with your abilities. Your younger self has found the time to put excessive doubt back into your mind, and that is something I can totally relate to. Now may be the time to show the younger you compassion. Those fears are what we use to use to get through life. Now we are trying to show both are current self and our younger self that there is another way to live. You have every intention of keeping yourself safe, and you have every intention of moving forward with life in a new way, with a new job that you are grateful for. The young you is trying to protect you in your old ways. That battle needs words of encouragement from you, needs your current self to explain to your young self that you (current) has this under control and that all of you is safe.
You are at a place the current you is grateful and proud of. Explain to young Jethro that you are moving forward, in a new way, with new awareness and abilities, and that life for both of you is going to improve. I rely on music also, and usually the louder the better. Continue to use your love of music to gain inner strength and beliefs. A song from your namesake says the following.

Why am I crying? I want to know.
How can I smile and then make it right?

I‘m going back to the ones I know
With whom I can be what I want to be.

I won’t go down
Acting the same old play.

-Ian Scott Anderson
With You Here to Help Me

Some of the hard work is done. You went out and got a new job. The hardest part remains, and that is moving forward in this new way, with both the current you and younger you in unison. Self compassion and self belief in that you are moving forward in a safe, positive direction needs to be what both of you hear and believe. You can do that. Power up on Jethro Tull and move forward with the confidence you have inside that is bursting to get out and enjoy what you know awaits. Take good care Jethro. You are on the right path, in a good but difficult time with yourself. You can, and I believe, you will prevail.
Rick
 

JethroTull

Registrant
Thank guys, for taking the time to help me. It is so very hard to believe in yourself as you are scrabbling out of the crater of you past. But as I sit watching my wife asleep on the sofa I see my inspiration to get back up and running.

One of the hardest things to deal with when I went into hospital was letting go. I saw myself as the rock, strong, dependable core of my family and able to shrug of the roughest of seas. But when I went into hospital I needed to let go, and allow myself just focus on processing my recovery and surviving one minute at-a time.

Taking that role back off my wife and being that rock and pulling the fractures my illness has created in our family, back together and becoming stronger and as dependable as I have prior to this. I see being able to work and thrive back in the business environment will be one of the biggest steps of progress I can take, but failing will also be the biggest slip back down into the crater. I know I just need to keep climbing up but I wish I could see the view before I take the risk of poking my head out.

The channel gems are routed in events whilst I was in hospitalised. Whilst in hospital I was attracted verbally which resulted in me becoming retraumatised, which saw me reverting to my traumatised eight year old boy, and an attempted suicide attempt on the ward. This regression lasted for six months, which left me with, near constant night terrors, flashbacks and physical and vocal ticks, and disassociative periods. This period stole something from me confidence you but something else I can not place. All of which have easier until the last couple of weeks, but our now coming back. So I stay up late to ensure I am so tired I know I will not dream. I get a prescription for propananol, beta blocker to take the edge off my anxiety along side my sertarline, this is a big thing for me as up until my breakdown I did not take so much as one paracetamol a year. Part of my own personal need to keep the my need to act out my abuse with stranger under control. So as you can imagine the pressure I place on myself to succeed is massive.


Your support and belief in me really does help. thank you.
 
Last edited:

JethroTull

Registrant
Jethro,
In order to get your new job, you were able to put aside your younger, fearful self and with self confidence went out and impressed an employer with your abilities. Your younger self has found the time to put excessive doubt back into your mind, and that is something I can totally relate to. Now may be the time to show the younger you compassion. Those fears are what we use to use to get through life. Now we are trying to show both are current self and our younger self that there is another way to live. You have every intention of keeping yourself safe, and you have every intention of moving forward with life in a new way, with a new job that you are grateful for. The young you is trying to protect you in your old ways. That battle needs words of encouragement from you, needs your current self to explain to your young self that you (current) has this under control and that all of you is safe.
You are at a place the current you is grateful and proud of. Explain to young Jethro that you are moving forward, in a new way, with new awareness and abilities, and that life for both of you is going to improve. I rely on music also, and usually the louder the better. Continue to use your love of music to gain inner strength and beliefs. A song from your namesake says the following.

Why am I crying? I want to know.
How can I smile and then make it right?

I‘m going back to the ones I know
With whom I can be what I want to be.

I won’t go down
Acting the same old play.

-Ian Scott Anderson
With You Here to Help Me

Some of the hard work is done. You went out and got a new job. The hardest part remains, and that is moving forward in this new way, with both the current you and younger you in unison. Self compassion and self belief in that you are moving forward in a safe, positive direction needs to be what both of you hear and believe. You can do that. Power up on Jethro Tull and move forward with the confidence you have inside that is bursting to get out and enjoy what you know awaits. Take good care Jethro. You are on the right path, in a good but difficult time with yourself. You can, and I believe, you will prevail.
Rick
Thank you for this, and for taking the time to find lyric, The benefit album, was one the albums that really consolidated the Tull sound. Another good Ian Anderson depression song is Stuck Out in the August Rain from the root to branches album. I recently realise that my love and obsession for Tull came from school trip to Scotland when I was fifteen. My inner child is also named after the teacher that took us up their, the only safe and dependable adult I can remember. That trip is my only positive memory from back then. We listened to the Stand Up album on the way up in a minibus and ever since then I been hocked.
 
Last edited:

CalabrianBambino

Registrant
I don't know what career you work in, however I understand how scary and uncharted it is. Final interviews that went nowhere. Job offerings popping up with piles of applicants hoping for a chance. It's better to look at the positive things in life. You have a job. You have a family that cares about you. You have food on the table and a roof over your head. The hospital visit was a setback, and the new job is a fresh opportunity. You are good enough to make it through the nasty experiences in your childhood, and certainly great enough to have a family behind you.
I found this quote earlier today that was touching:

If you have family that loves you, a few good friends, food on your table and a roof over your head. You are richer than you think.

Humiliation and belittlement is a mental fight. Trust me on that. I work in the restaurant industry lol.

I hope for the best that the anxiety, doubt, and sadness will no longer burden you brother.
 

JethroTull

Registrant
I don't know what career you work in, however I understand how scary and uncharted it is. Final interviews that went nowhere. Job offerings popping up with piles of applicants hoping for a chance. It's better to look at the positive things in life. You have a job. You have a family that cares about you. You have food on the table and a roof over your head. The hospital visit was a setback, and the new job is a fresh opportunity. You are good enough to make it through the nasty experiences in your childhood, and certainly great enough to have a family behind you.
I found this quote earlier today that was touching:

If you have family that loves you, a few good friends, food on your table and a roof over your head. You are richer than you think.

Humiliation and belittlement is a mental fight. Trust me on that. I work in the restaurant industry lol.

I hope for the best that the anxiety, doubt, and sadness will no longer burden you brother.
Thank you my friend.
 

JethroTull

Registrant
This might be lazy, but I agree with CT and AM. I SEE NO FAILURE. I understand Sids desire to not want to be hurt, but re.ember you and he are incredibly strong. He and you have survived abuse. That for an 8 year-old are devastating. That is an incredible win.

You got this.

Peace my friend.
Not lazy but right, I am excited but as always it the unknown and legacy of my recent and distant past, and the associated fragility that is over whelming me.
 

JethroTull

Registrant
Well six months in, had some successes, and some failures. My inability to look people in the eye has been an issue. Which resulted in me having to tell key colleagues what I have been through.. This being my first job since my breakdown. Having to say I am recovering from a breakdown and a lifetime of abuse has really shaken me, It was as though people could see my soul, my abuse and pain. Whilst they have been great to my face the atmosphere feels as though it has changed, being sidelined on major project not leading on the thing I am by a clear mile the expert in.

The stresses from this are creating huge pressure to revert to my old coping strategies of visit coursing areas to be abused /used to capture back some control. I fighting this as I know where it leads, but I have started to succumb, twice now. Feeling really low and would give up but for my family, the need to pay the mortgage and my inner fight to survive.
 

Frommer

New Registrant
First of all, likely most of what I write is not new here, so bear with me.
Second, thank you for being so generous to share your challenges with us here. You have heard the encouragements of some but I would wager there are many, many more out there who you have not heard from who have been inspired by your eloquent words and your courage. I have for certain and I am also certain that you have formidable gifts yet to share with others.
Third, each of us every single day has moments of uncertainty this is why the aphorism, 'one step at a time' resonates. When I have found my doubts overwhelming and a loved one is not at hand for encouragement. it is movement itself that sometimes keeps my momentum going, from walking to riding to running-any act that you enjoy and brings you wellness and peace of mind. It need not be far nor strenuous, just far enough to re-frame, to ground and to put things into perspective.
Lastly, you are in a process of healing and it is not linear. I have embraced a harm-reduction not abstinence model for my own dependencies so I do not speak for any but myself, but I will say that I have tried to let go of the shame of perceived set-backs and instead focused my energies on growing one day at a time. That does not mean that I do not try and learn from those set-backs, as I do, as do most of us. Such is the adventure that is life. I also recognize that at some of my darkest moments that the addictions gave me the 'warm, soft hug' that I lacked as a child and have come to accept that those dependencies may have kept me alive so that I can serve others in my wellness-indeed, I have found few activities as salubrious as selflessly helping others. I have also foudn that as a natural consequnce of lhelping others I am more active in my own wellness. That connection may seem intuitive but for an age of my life I could not see it (because of the PTS).
Do not be so hard on yourself, keep growing and let your inner spirit nurture the man on the outisde so he can now nurture the child on the inside.

“If other people do not understand our behavior—so what? Their request that we must only do what they understand is an attempt to dictate to us. If this is being "asocial" or "irrational" in their eyes, so be it. Mostly they resent our freedom and our courage to be ourselves. We owe nobody an explanation or an accounting, as long as our acts do not hurt or infringe on them. How many lives have been ruined by this need to "explain," which usually implies that the explanation be "understood," i.e. approved. Let your deeds be judged, and from your deeds, your real intentions, but know that a free person owes an explanation only to himself—to his reason and his conscience—and to the few who may have a justified claim for explanation.”
-Erich Fromm

Take care.
 
I've been spending less time on the board of late Jethro so I missed you post a few days ago. I'm sorry you're struggling a bit but glad you were able to come here and talk about it. You don't have to carry this all by yourself. Please stay in touch and remember... we have your back. Keep talking with us my friend... and take exquisite care of yourself.
 

JethroTull

Registrant
First of all, likely most of what I write is not new here, so bear with me.
Second, thank you for being so generous to share your challenges with us here. You have heard the encouragements of some but I would wager there are many, many more out there who you have not heard from who have been inspired by your eloquent words and your courage. I have for certain and I am also certain that you have formidable gifts yet to share with others.
Third, each of us every single day has moments of uncertainty this is why the aphorism, 'one step at a time' resonates. When I have found my doubts overwhelming and a loved one is not at hand for encouragement. it is movement itself that sometimes keeps my momentum going, from walking to riding to running-any act that you enjoy and brings you wellness and peace of mind. It need not be far nor strenuous, just far enough to re-frame, to ground and to put things into perspective.
Lastly, you are in a process of healing and it is not linear. I have embraced a harm-reduction not abstinence model for my own dependencies so I do not speak for any but myself, but I will say that I have tried to let go of the shame of perceived set-backs and instead focused my energies on growing one day at a time. That does not mean that I do not try and learn from those set-backs, as I do, as do most of us. Such is the adventure that is life. I also recognize that at some of my darkest moments that the addictions gave me the 'warm, soft hug' that I lacked as a child and have come to accept that those dependencies may have kept me alive so that I can serve others in my wellness-indeed, I have found few activities as salubrious as selflessly helping others. I have also foudn that as a natural consequnce of lhelping others I am more active in my own wellness. That connection may seem intuitive but for an age of my life I could not see it (because of the PTS).
Do not be so hard on yourself, keep growing and let your inner spirit nurture the man on the outisde so he can now nurture the child on the inside.

“If other people do not understand our behavior—so what? Their request that we must only do what they understand is an attempt to dictate to us. If this is being "asocial" or "irrational" in their eyes, so be it. Mostly they resent our freedom and our courage to be ourselves. We owe nobody an explanation or an accounting, as long as our acts do not hurt or infringe on them. How many lives have been ruined by this need to "explain," which usually implies that the explanation be "understood," i.e. approved. Let your deeds be judged, and from your deeds, your real intentions, but know that a free person owes an explanation only to himself—to his reason and his conscience—and to the few who may have a justified claim for explanation.”
-Erich Fromm

Take care.

Thank you Formmer for this considered response.and for a year eighteen months I have been doing just much of this including running my own mindfulness group. However the lost of control, not being able to move forward with work tasks, being sidelined by those that like to play political power games, alway now trigger my defence responses.

Sometimes I see it straight away usually when the trigger is overt, in my face, but when it is subtle and the emotions iin me build over time then it can take me days to identify the emotions, let alone link them to an issue. Usually taking hours of focused meditation looking at the focus of the feeling and suffering. As I sit here now I can accept my failings but when I look my loving wife in the eyes I feel nothing but shame and self loathing.

I know I can’t tell her of my perversions my need to be abused, sucked off, being made to wank and do other safe sexual acts with stranger, people I my have met locally, but if they stood next to me in a store I would not remember anything or recognise them just blanks lost in the disassociate action of my other self.

I know telling my wife these things would break her heat and destroy her mentally(I can see the impact my illness had on her mental health already)and so I come to the deadend that can’t be resolved, without destroying the only thing that means anything to me in this world, the only thing that is good, so I fight continuously to resist the impact of my CSA solely for my wife of thirty years, living the lye of knowing that over the last three years I shared the pain of my childhood, the physical, mental abuse and neglect from my mother, which can only be described as sadistic. My rape by a neighbour at eight and so on. But not knowing how this has created this deceitful betraying twisted thing she call her husband. So I mediate, I do my EMDR and take the tablets, To try and keep the needs of this inner me under control in its box, not going to sleep until 2 and 3 in the morning to stop my dreams, and filling my waking thoughts with work to quieten the inner dialog of the eight year old boy that is still running around in my head, whilst the fact outer me works hard, delivers consistently and is a devoted husband and farther. As some of you here now it has taken me a great deal of work over the past few years to understand and to be able to put the thoughts into words. I know now who I am, why I am and how the fragments of me interact or not. But accepting, liking or accepting myself is so very far away, the neuro pathways the feed myself loathing have been reinforced over.in excess of forty years. Are not going to go over nothing.
 
Last edited:

JethroTull

Registrant
I've been spending less time on the board of late Jethro so I missed you post a few days ago. I'm sorry you're struggling a bit but glad you were able to come here and talk about it. You don't have to carry this all by yourself. Please stay in touch and remember... we have your back. Keep talking with us my friend... and take exquisite care of yourself.
Thank visitor I must admit I was loooking for you when I came back, your support and guidance has always come from the same place as mu own. Not being on here as much is a good thing as it shows you are moving on in your own recovery, whilst still being supportive to others. Thank you.
 
When I step away Jethro it is not always because I've got my shit together... I can be distracted in various ways. I refer to this place as an oasis... the place in the desert where we might find some shade, a bit of water, an opportunity to take a deep breath. I honestly expect this website will remain such a place for me for the rest of my life. I may be less engaged as I needed to be to keep my own head above water... but engaging with men who are grappling with these painful memories and painful lives caught in the residue of trauma will always be important. It was lovely seeing you on the board when I stepped back in to the fray a couple of days ago. Be well my friend.
 
Top