I’m completely alone

I’m completely alone
C

CSGuy

Registrant
First-if any of this is triggering I apologize. I am trying to use language that won’t affect someone else.
Hi everyone,
My name is Chris. I am a trans man. In my mid 30’s and slowly discovering all the abuses my mind closed into a tiny box behind everything else. As I go about through therapy and such it seems like more memories come back.
And as the title states, I’m completely alone. I live in a very rural town in the midwest on purpose. I have no friends here, and no family. My relationship with my mother isn’t good. The one with my Dad is good, but he still lives a full day’s drive away, 12 hours.
I’m extremely introverted, a hermit, I trust no one, and my dogs are my kids. My dogs have saved me more than I saved them.
I have a number of physical and mental health problems. I can’t even let anyone inside my front door. Depression, PTSD and Anxiety are a few of my biggest issues.
But I’ve lost touch with humanity. I’ve been used/abused in many different ways by a lot of different people. I get taken advantage of a lot. And because of that, I think, I just hit my mental limit and shut down.
So when I found this community after thinking about it a bit, I decided to join to try and get back in touch with humanity.
 
Hello CSGuy
Welcome! Stay with us and you won’t be alone. I’m sorry about what was done to you. Each of us got here from varying levels of sexual abuse. Hopefully you’ll
make some friendships here from people with similar stories. Don’t give up. There’s some GREAT people to help here. Take care..
 
Thank you for the welcoming. I am looking to heal and make some virtual friends perhaps. This has been my first out reach to other people in over 5 years. I left social media years ago. It was extremely triggering for me.
But it’s time to meet some other folks that have had abuses and how they have or continue to heal themselves.
I will be around in the different sub forums, and when I get the chance or inclination to speak I will.
One step at a time.
Thanks again.
 
Welcome to MS Chris! You don't have to be alone. This is a wonderful community of men from a variety of backgrounds. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but you'll find nothing short of support & understanding. Good luck to you Chris & take care!
 
I am so glad you joined. I want you to know you are not alone. When I was 20, I was diagnosed as agoraphobic. I had failed high school because I was terrified of being seen. I rarely attended any classes.

A lot has changed for me, in me, since then. No one now would know that I can empathize with you. I am pretty outgoing. Please have hope. I never dreamed I could live the life I am.
 
Welcome CSGuy

Many of us felt alone and the only one but found others with the same but different past here. Look around. Use the search feature. Post when and only if you feel safe doing so. When you are ready join a chat. Sorry for what brings anyone here but so glad you found us and reached out already with this post.
 
CSGuy said:
First-if any of this is triggering I apologize. I am trying to use language that won’t affect someone else.
Hi everyone,
My name is Chris. I am a trans man. In my mid 30’s and slowly discovering all the abuses my mind closed into a tiny box behind everything else. As I go about through therapy and such it seems like more memories come back.
And as the title states, I’m completely alone. I live in a very rural town in the midwest on purpose. I have no friends here, and no family. My relationship with my mother isn’t good. The one with my Dad is good, but he still lives a full day’s drive away, 12 hours.
I’m extremely introverted, a hermit, I trust no one, and my dogs are my kids. My dogs have saved me more than I saved them.
I have a number of physical and mental health problems. I can’t even let anyone inside my front door. Depression, PTSD and Anxiety are a few of my biggest issues.
But I’ve lost touch with humanity. I’ve been used/abused in many different ways by a lot of different people. I get taken advantage of a lot. And because of that, I think, I just hit my mental limit and shut down.
So when I found this community after thinking about it a bit, I decided to join to try and get back in touch with humanity.
Click to expand...
Hello CSGuy. I for one can really feel your pain. First I was molested between the ages of nine years old and 11 years old before it stopped. But at 11 years old I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease that prevented my leg muscles and other muscles from developing and have been wearing braces ever since. At 12 years old I lost most of my vision and and had to attend a blind school. That's about the time my worst disability hit me, extreme and severe depression, OCD and also PTSD. Although the blind school was the best thing that could have happened to me. Between my mother and my swim coach instilled in me to not let my disabilities in the way of living life to the fullest. I'm 53 now and have had somewhat of an interesting life but also a very difficult life. Early on I turned to drugs to self medicate the depression and today I still do. I too live alone and sometimes it can be extremely lonely. I just hang around all day naked, what's the use in getting dressed, besides the one thing that I have enjoyed ever since I was a little boy was being naked as much as I could. I know the abuse affected my life so severely that any relationship I've ever had with a woman all fell apart and I never obtained my dream of having my own family. I have been doing volunteer work and being involved in my church for the last five years and that has helped some. But the therapy, my therapist, seeing her for five years hasn't really helped much and I've been on just about every antidepressant you can think of. On July 13 I reached a really dark point and I overdosed and spent five days in ICU. After leaving the hospital I somehow figured that God had other plans for me but in the fact of the matter is that I want, as much today, to just die because I see no reason for God to keep me around. I am so sorry for what you are going through and I hope only the best for you...
 
Samson360 said:
Hello CSGuy. I for one can really feel your pain. First I was molested between the ages of nine years old and 11 years old before it stopped. But at 11 years old I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease that prevented my leg muscles and other muscles from developing and have been wearing braces ever since. At 12 years old I lost most of my vision and and had to attend a blind school. That's about the time my worst disability hit me, extreme and severe depression, OCD and also PTSD. Although the blind school was the best thing that could have happened to me. Between my mother and my swim coach instilled in me to not let my disabilities in the way of living life to the fullest. I'm 53 now and have had somewhat of an interesting life but also a very difficult life. Early on I turned to drugs to self medicate the depression and today I still do. I too live alone and sometimes it can be extremely lonely. I just hang around all day naked, what's the use in getting dressed, besides the one thing that I have enjoyed ever since I was a little boy was being naked as much as I could. I know the abuse affected my life so severely that any relationship I've ever had with a woman all fell apart and I never obtained my dream of having my own family. I have been doing volunteer work and being involved in my church for the last five years and that has helped some. But the therapy, my therapist, seeing her for five years hasn't really helped much and I've been on just about every antidepressant you can think of. On July 13 I reached a really dark point and I overdosed and spent five days in ICU. After leaving the hospital I somehow figured that God had other plans for me but in the fact of the matter is that I want, as much today, to just die because I see no reason for God to keep me around. I am so sorry for what you are going through and I hope only the best for you...
Click to expand...
I too lost my will to live. My physical disabilities are somewhat similar to the muscular dystrophy. I am losing fine motor skills, and have pain in my hands when I try to do something that requires delicacy. Peripheral neuropathy in my hands and feet. A lot of nerve related issues.
I can also completely empathize with that idea of just not wanting to live anymore. I was hospitalized voluntarily last month. Was in a really bad place and I just knew I needed to get to the hospital to be safe.
The first memory I uncovered was my mother’s boyfriend. I was in the 7-9 year old range. When I told my mom I didn’t like him and he did stuff I was uncomfortable with, she chose him over her own child, thinking I mist be exaggerating. It’s great to know that your own mother thinks less of you than her boyfriend. That was my first suicide attempt. His two daughters that were around my age also did some things I was very uncomfortable with. That entire time period of my mom and him was hell on earth.
I’ve had other problems through out my life with different people and I’m only starting to remember it all.
 
Hi CSGuy

Welcome to MS, you are not alone anymore you have us. I live alone and some times go for days without even saying hi to someone. Here you are with others that do understand as we have been there.
 
CSGuy said:
First-if any of this is triggering I apologize. I am trying to use language that won’t affect someone else.
Hi everyone,
My name is Chris. I am a trans man. In my mid 30’s and slowly discovering all the abuses my mind closed into a tiny box behind everything else. As I go about through therapy and such it seems like more memories come back.
And as the title states, I’m completely alone. I live in a very rural town in the midwest on purpose. I have no friends here, and no family. My relationship with my mother isn’t good. The one with my Dad is good, but he still lives a full day’s drive away, 12 hours.
I’m extremely introverted, a hermit, I trust no one, and my dogs are my kids. My dogs have saved me more than I saved them.
I have a number of physical and mental health problems. I can’t even let anyone inside my front door. Depression, PTSD and Anxiety are a few of my biggest issues.
But I’ve lost touch with humanity. I’ve been used/abused in many different ways by a lot of different people. I get taken advantage of a lot. And because of that, I think, I just hit my mental limit and shut down.
So when I found this community after thinking about it a bit, I decided to join to try and get back in touch with humanity.
Click to expand...
CSGuy

As survivors we believe we are alone. I felt alone in a marriage with 4 children who could not see my pain nor could they face the truth of my abuse. I allowed them to control me, pushing me deeper into despair, deeper into wanting to retreat. Somehow I met a wonderful woman at work who would look at my arms, scabbed and my story was cutting rose bushes. In reality it was from at my own hands as I struggled with flashbacks and hearing my family say shut up or make eerie noises only compounding the flashback. I finally told this woman and she said she knew those marks were not from rose bushes. I then met others and once I faced what I lived I slowly and very slowly learned I was not alone. I created my own world of loneliness because I believed I deserved the abuse and what my family did to me. My arms to this day bleed when there is mild abrasion to the arms, the skin is forever soft and I know those who are responsible for creating the scars I will carry for life along with the scars of the abuse. Recognition and acceptance are the beginning steps to healing.

It took time and connecting with the right people. There are assholes out there who think they are all knowing but in reality they are ignorant and running from their own truth--sadly it is teachers, doctors and nurses who people expect to know. Their are wonderful people in these professions but some do not have the capacity to get out of their own way and say I do not understand, I need to learn--why it is beyond their comprehension.

I learned I am not alone, I have MS, I have support groups and once I opened up I have people who believe my abuse and love me. You have that too, you just need to slowly reach out. We are here for you. I believe my friend is due to arrive tomorrow and we have not seen each other since April and her words to me were always you are not alone and if you are alone it is because others want you to feel alone. It took me time to understand those words. I think I am coming closer to closure and the time and distance and thinking of her brings me to the truth. She also said I need to accept my ex lived with abuse in her life and it passed from her to the children. I have seen that for a while as I witnessed one abusive situation where her double first cousin (parents were brother and sister and sister and brother), it was horrific and I turned my car to park and the cousin ran away. My ex and her mother and siblings sat there and did nothing--from a survivor's family who knew the family said my ex's father was the only one who saw the truth and would have stopped it (they said they saw him stop it before) but was not home this time and the mother wanted to shield her brother--I realize it was sad and she will never accept her family was abusive or enablers. Strangely the people who knew the families also saw something I saw, this man, the father, was always pushed away by wife, children and the rest of the family as to force him to walk away due to verbal taunts. Sadly the ex and her family would be devastated by who shared with me what the neighbors saw and knew. This person and their family advocate and do not hide the abuses they knew or witnessed. Survivors hide their abuse creating a secret world. People carry baggage and sadly survivors suffer.

Kevin
 
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You are welcomed here CSGuy, that alone keeps me going some days.

It seems like I've always struggled with depression. I was the square peg, I've felt that life has tried to hammer me into a round hole, again and again.

Somehow I met someone that meant a lot to me. We got married had kids the whole white picket thing. I started to self-medicate with alcohol for my anxiety just to let me sleep. When it came out that I had a problem, the woman that I was with took it as her cue to leave.

There's a lot more drama that goes in between her and I that I'm not going to post in here now. Suffice it to say that she along gave me reasons not to trust.

For about a year and a half I've been through the process of rehab, halfway house and now I'm looking in a supportive living environment. Supportive living sounds better than what it is. I've kept people out so much of my life. When it seemed I found somebody I could trust eventually that went to shit too.

So now I'm sober, done therapy on meds. Five months ago I believe memories of a CSA started flooding back to me. It seems like when I get on track sometimes I get a more challenging situation to deal with. I say it that way so I don't say why me? But at times that's what's in my head.


The only time in my life where I was remotely happy for a long period of time was from the ages of 18 to 23 24? At that time I was acting like a total psycho. I lived my life by my rules then. Society and morality could be damned.

Everyday I wake up I managed to get up and do something. The only reason why I've never considered suicide is that at a young age it was taught to me by my abuser that I was made to suffer. Always wondered why I had that attitude, then the memories of my sadistic assault came back.

I try to remember that I'm not all days are like this. But when I'm alone sometimes it's hard to keep the happy face paste it on. You're not alone here. I can say that I wish things didn't happen to you, but understand that nobody here is going to judge you. No one here will invalidate you. From my experience here they're honestly here to help you.
 
As you can see Chris, this is a group of men who understand what you've experienced. Sexual trauma is devastating and has long-lasting consequences for boys who experienced it. They call us survivors but the fact we still are able to take a breath isn't much to achieve. Thriving is a totally different thing and that takes courage and a great deal of hard work. This is an exceptional place to do such work because there are kindred spirits here. You're not alone with this any longer. Here you can talk about whatever you need to say. Yes, there are many forums here so you can explore and find the community of men who will understand and offer support. Welcome. Thanks for introducing yourself. I'll look forward to seeing you on the board.
 
All of you folks have made me feel like I actually do matter and that I may be physically alone, but not here.
I’ve read all of your replies, I would love to reply to each one and I may try, but just having some folks who care just because, not because they have, to is really hitting me hard in a good way.
I really appreciate each of you. We may have slightly different stories, but it amounts to the same. As I continue to read through the forums I’m finding a bit more confidence within to finally let out at least what has surfaced thus far. My childhood and my adulthood abuses. Sexual, physical, and mental. And I wonder why life is so difficult for me sometimes.
I do want to add I’ve suffered from depression since a young child, after my parents divorced when I was 4 or 5. I have a couple 1 or 2 year gaps in my memory in my teenage years and adult years. I’m sure there is a reason for that. We will see if those gaps ever come back.
 
Be patient with yourself... that is what matters most. You are NOT a problem to solve, but rather a man worthy of care. We'll be here to support you along the way.
 
Hey guys,
Thanks for all your support. Is there a forum for discussion about one’s experience that would trigger others but be a place that we can share and help others share when they are ready, etc? I think its time to start unpacking.
 
Hey, CS. Welcome. As you've been told already - this is a good safe place. I was the opposite of you. I became the class clown. After all, if I could make you laugh, then you'd like me. I was surprised (and saddened) to learn that even though they're laughing, they're still not your friends. Never a phone call, not invited to go places, some sat with you at lunch but that's because the cafeteria is crowded, not because they wanted to be around you.
Here I am at age 68, and the truth remains. Married to a terrific woman 40 years, three great adult children. We're retired and live in a house in a retirement community. It's safe, quiet and clean. We attend a good church, and for the past 4 - 5 years we've liked it. The teaching is excellent, the congregation always greet me by name and say hello (My wife is disabled and cannot attend in person). However, we have not yet been asked to go someplace with anyone or just a call to say hello. I've talked with a number of men there and exchanged telephone numbers, but it's been a few years and still not one call. Makes you think you have a sign around your neck - "I was sexually molested as a boy so I'm not worth the time to get to know because you won't like being around me." I gave up hoping for a call a few years back. Due to my wife's disability, I can't go far. We, too live remotely. We' re in a part of the Pacific Northwest of the US.
I get it : some of this is just how life works (those other people have a life - work, children, wives, other interests, etc.) and it's also part of living out here. But, you're right - all of you - it does get lonesome at times on this road.
 
BDD said:
I am so glad you joined. I want you to know you are not alone. When I was 20, I was diagnosed as agoraphobic. I had failed high school because I was terrified of being seen. I rarely attended any classes.

A lot has changed for me, in me, since then. No one now would know that I can empathize with you. I am pretty outgoing. Please have hope. I never dreamed I could live the life I am.
Click to expand...
I failed most highschool courses even though I was there for nearly all classes! They just kept moving me from one grade level to the next. In reality, I should have repeated grade 7 because of the damage done by encephalitis. I lost most of that years memory work from that wretched illness. And nobody thought I had any problems except for being lazy and not paying attention to my work.
 
CSGuy said:
Hey guys,
Thanks for all your support. Is there a forum for discussion about one’s experience that would trigger others but be a place that we can share and help others share when they are ready, etc? I think its time to start unpacking.
Click to expand...
@CSGuy,

You can share your story in any forum, but the Survivor Stories forum is a unique place to share because:
  • the stories are reviewed by a moderator before being publicly posted
  • no comments are allowed - our stories should stand on their own without any hint of negative feedback from others; they are our stories
If you become a member, there is also a Survivor Stories forum just for members and it is not public. Only fellow members can see them there. But the same two things (in the bullets) apply to that forum.

If you share something with Triggers, just add "Trigger warning" in the subject line of the post. You can also add this warning to specific parts of your story if you want to. That is typically how it is managed.
 
I have a question about “survivor stories forum”.
-is this that site?
-I sign into this site-does that mean I’m already in it! ? If not, how do I join that forum?

Thanks.



QUOTE="MO-Survivor, post: 588689, member: 15611"]
@CSGuy,

You can share your story in any forum, but the Survivor Stories forum is a unique place to share because:
  • the stories are reviewed by a moderator before being publicly posted
  • no comments are allowed - our stories should stand on their own without any hint of negative feedback from others; they are our stories
If you become a member, there is also a Survivor Stories forum just for members and it is not public. Only fellow members can see them there. But the same two things (in the bullets) apply to that forum.

If you share something with Triggers, just add "Trigger warning" in the subject line of the post. You can also add this warning to specific parts of your story if you want to. That is typically how it is managed.
[/QUOTE]
 
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