Hyper-sexual?

Tom E.

Registrant
TRIGGERS- as a result of early abuse I feel I became hyper-sexual.I was willing to let anything happen I was a sex addict & drug & alcohol addict. In my early 20's I had 2 bisexual threesome experiences. I was wasted for both. I had sex with my best friend(at the time) & his wife. I had intercourse with her (my 1st hetero experience) & I gave him head. Then I watched him screw his wife./ Next with another young couple of friends I had intercourse with her while at the same time he screwed me. I was in the middle. I felt that I was at the height of my desirability. Sad right? I felt that validated me as an attractive man, letting anyone have me, whether male/male, male/female, or both. I needed to be desired & wanted & loved and sex meant to me it was true. I had a few hetero experience, and most of my homo sex I was the drunk & wasted passive one, which also led to my rapes as a young adult. Thank God all that crap is over now. That hunger, craving, need.
 

JayBro

Registrant
Hey Tom,

thank you for sharing your experiences with us- that took a lot of courage. It sounds like that must have been a difficult time for you. What changed, how come or with what means did you put that behind you?

You are certainly not alone with hyper-sexuality: it is still something that I struggle with myself (in my 20s). Like you, mine is often correlated with a desire to find validity and closeness/"romantic" desirability from others- and I also experienced rapes as a young adult. Sometimes I see my sexual experiences as a form of self-harm, especially if they remind me of the abuse and they allow me to "re-live it" with men who remind me of my abusers. My hyper-sexuality and my anxiety exist side-by-side and the two activate each other. I disassociate and become focused on one thing: in a single triggered day it is possible for me to have multiple hook ups or many "orgasms" which are actually painful and like a form of cutting for me. It is the weirdest thing and I struggle to comprehend what is going on. It doesn't happen all the time, but usually periods of high stress, anxiety, and triggers bring it on.

My moments of healthy sexuality and positive experiences I cherish so much. They are signs of hope for my recovery.

I hope that you are more at peace now. Are you able to experience a healthy sexual life nowadays?
 

Tom E.

Registrant
Hey Tom,

thank you for sharing your experiences with us- that took a lot of courage. It sounds like that must have been a difficult time for you. What changed, how come or with what means did you put that behind you?

You are certainly not alone with hyper-sexuality: it is still something that I struggle with myself (in my 20s). Like you, mine is often correlated with a desire to find validity and closeness/"romantic" desirability from others- and I also experienced rapes as a young adult. Sometimes I see my sexual experiences as a form of self-harm, especially if they remind me of the abuse and they allow me to "re-live it" with men who remind me of my abusers. My hyper-sexuality and my anxiety exist side-by-side and the two activate each other. I disassociate and become focused on one thing: in a single triggered day it is possible for me to have multiple hook ups or many "orgasms" which are actually painful and like a form of cutting for me. It is the weirdest thing and I struggle to comprehend what is going on. It doesn't happen all the time, but usually periods of high stress, anxiety, and triggers bring it on.

My moments of healthy sexuality and positive experiences I cherish so much. They are signs of hope for my recovery.

I hope that you are more at peace now. Are you able to experience a healthy sexual life nowadays?
I have been in two long term relationships with men since then. 1st one had major problems & issues. 2nd one much better. I'm kind of asexual now. We cuddle & kiss but no real sex. I just don't want to do passive sex anymore, and I'm not really assertive anyway. What does trouble me still is feelings & fantasies of deserving to be forced, coerced & raped again. Only this time worse, gang raped one after the other.I don't understand it, but there it is. I know I don't deserve it; not really, but I still kind of do. Does this make any sense? Maybe deep down it's because I never experienced that; my assaults were always one guy against me. It's twisted. I hope in time it will lessen and vanish altogether.
 
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So I have similar urges and fantasy’s. Some soft and some violent and being humiliated.
I believe I am bi even though I have been in a loving relationship with my wife for the past 28 years.
I have never had sex with anyone else male or female since we have been married. I have had only one other sexual experience out side of the abuse. I had a good friend in high school and me and him were active over two years. He loved me and I loved him but never really could feel comfortable with the sex.
I think it’s because most of my abuse that I received was from men 10 out of the 13 perps.
Never the less I fantasize about sex with men and watch gay and bi porn. My wife doesn’t know about the fantasy’s but dose know about my friend that I loved. I am torn by these feelings and fantasy’s. I crave to be held and loved by a man. I crave to be held and loved by my wife. But nothing fills my void of missing care and love. I seek someone something that doesn’t exist for me.
 
I guess part of the hyper-sexual issues that I deal with have to do with both the sexual abuse and being exposed to porn at the age of 11 or so by my own father. I think it was his way of sex Ed. It was and is a issue I deal with especially since I loved my father. I was and still am angry with him. I’m not sure why the education included S&M and other fetish sex.
So it’s a bit crazy between the ears even though nobody that knows me seem to see it.
 
I still think but not as often that I'm good enough to fuck but not to marry, I too lived for over half of my life with the idea that the only way to have some love or care about me was to give them my body. Now I have gone to the other extream of not wanting any physical contact with anyone so they don't break my heart but that is so lonely and painful. The abuse is a gift that keeps on giving.
 
My former wife told me a couple of days ago that my insistence on being sexual when we first came together sexually was unsettling for her. On one level I knew I was only comfortable in seduction, that real physical intimacy was frightening for me. It happened with a number of women so I guess it is fair to say it was a pattern. It fits. Without seduction I'm not aroused, no matter how attractive and available the woman might be. I guess I'm a sexual abuse survivor...

Hyper sexuality is certainly not where my life is now... no woman to share a bed with and no porn to distract me from my feelings. Yes, it can be a lonely journey when we stop acting out using our sexuality to run away from pain. There is more healing to do.
 

AnyMouse

Registrant
I feel and felt everything that you have. Hypersex drive, misunderstanding the correlation between love and sex. feeling desirable because I could sexually perform. I used to ignore warnings of dangerous situations and sub space out and just perform. I still get triggered and I am slowly starting to recognize the signs and feelings in my body. I call hypersex drive the residue left on me from the CSA. abuse started at 3-4 until I was 15. So many things are coming into focus that I know there is progress and I (we) have to keep going and heal. Thank you for posting this. You are not alone.

AM
 

Et Tu Brute?

New Registrant
Hello Tom,
(a little off topic, but what you wrote helped me realize the severity of damage in my youth)

First off, I am a woman, 32. I am married to a survivor, for 7 years I had no idea. I just found out last month. On the brink of us divorcing, he opened up and I am the only person he has told. I am his 2nd marriage, he, my first.
As I was reading your post as well as comments to it, it stirred some very vivid emotions and feelings in myself. For years, since grade school, I always had a boyfriend. We would break up and there would be another right after. Almost like they lined up. Sad. For the record, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 16. And my first french kiss was the end of 8th grade. So these boys didn't get any piece. However, I was never close to my father. I loved him and I yearn to be close to him and I know he feels the same way. When I was just 4, my father worked for the County as Maintenance Supervisor. He was at the old hospital in my town, now a doctors office for government aid, he was replacing a urinal. A heavy cast iron one. It fell on top of his head and my mother said he wasn't the same since. Then when I was 10 my half sister, 16 (mothers) accused my dad of molesting her. My dad was removed from the house and she was allowed to stay. Drugs and wicca, threatening to light my hair on fire as she stood over me with a lighter and hairspray if I told mom and dad that she snuck out the window. There isn't a shadow of a doubt that my dad is innocent. When he was allowed back in the home 3 months later (during this time my dad would meet us at a park or public place to see me and my brother, he wasn't allowed contact with us), my daddy wasn't my daddy anymore. He was distant, even more quiet and reserved. I remember the last time I kissed my dad on the lips. The day before my sisters accusation. Up until about 3 years ago, I would only get a side hug. Or a hug with his butt pushed as far away from me as possible. Lack of a "father" figure turned me into looking into love and acceptance from boys/men. There was a time in my life that I was, for lack of a better word, a door-knob. Not a full out whore, didn't do it for money. The men were all people I had previously had a relationship with or was friends with. To this day, I dont see my parent's much, they live a mile from me. My brother lives in Sonora and I guess thats a shorter trip for them because they are always up there.
Anyway, Thank you Tom for opening up. I am sorry for the novel and being kind of off topic.
 
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