Husband's insecurities

[Nalh78]

Need advise, my husband recently opened up to me about the extent of his abuse. This has caused him to have many trigger days. We have been together 24 years. We started dating when I was 15 and he was 18. Apparentlytold him when I first saw it that I wished it was bigger, I don't remember this but he does. This has become a trigger for him. We have been happily married for 22 years and have a great sex life. What I'm having trouble with is that it almost seems like on these days that he is trying to sabotage what we have. I have told him before during sex how big he is but he doesn't remember it and says I'm lying. I am underlying happy with his size but don't know how to reaffirm him. I love him so very much and I am 100% supporting him in his journey but I'm lost on what to do.

 

[Nalh78]

Nalh78

 

[Ceremony]

There are probably many men here and perhaps some women in this forum who can discuss this topic. That's to note, I think this topic is more prevalent than I thought? I'm among the large frame men, who were very skinny and too effeminate to be one of the guys in gym. I was tortured by bullies who called out how dickless I was, and what a fag! Prepuberty, puberty and for me post has been a mental state of siege. I was horrified by my body, and it stuck.

To this day, it's one of my number one fears. I think a man's frame and that perception of size gets really messed up. I know I am not of the endowed class, but that shouldn't have mattered. I freaked out about girls, whom I wished could see me, be someone to talk to me, maybe like me. It was horrible. After the 2 years of 7-8th grade, where most guys went through puberty, I repeated 8th at a new school. I tried to endure another school for 9th. By 10th it seemed gym class didn't require open showering. But that didn't last. The start of 11th I quit, because, again a new school, this one required open showers. I was done with school. Done with bullies, just done.

So, I ask, do you really know him? Has he really let you know? I eventually got to date my wife. I was 21, she 20. Eventually we got into sex, and it turned out she was satisfied?! I could not believe it! I asked her when we made out, are you sure you want me? She replied that she did?! I just couldn't understand?! I still have some shy shame, but she's never been turned off, until I added a lot of weight like right now. It's really sad. So, anyway, I want you to open your heart to the possibility that you're not the only one. Maybe he's projecting something that's been a voice in his head all these decades? Like me?

Torment is all over this forum. I read so much need and my heart aches for the pain of it. I want to reach out, to hug, to let others know their pain isn't unique. It seems, the more I read, eventually I have some identifier in my life. I have begun to wonder how that could be? But, my over active mind has to let some stuff go, so that's one. I'm just going to keep moving forward. Just keep seeing some good here, maybe a bit there. Some day, some day, I can stop the tears.

It'll get better Nalh78. A loving partner like you. Caring to try. Here you are. Trying! Oh, my... tears.

Best wishes and it's so very good to see your hope and strength. Keep going!

 

[greenwizard]

The best advice I can give is to keep being as supportive as you can. Masculinity, and size and everything, it makes my head spin. Unlike Ceremony, I was lucky enough to go to a school that never required showers after gym class. The showers were there, but I don't recall anyone ever using them except me when some stuck up popular bitch put blue lip gloss in my hair. Long story short, when you get blue lip gloss in your hair the only way to get it out is have a female friend whose mom has a cosmetology license that can get hair stripper at a beauty supply store.

But embarrassing high school stories aside, if you did say you wished it was bigger when you first saw him, you may not remember because maybe it was just a passing thought that didn't mean much to you? Thing is, say that to a guy, we tend to never forget it. I still vividly remember my experience with my first girlfriend. At the time I thought I was so lucky for her giving me the time of day. I'm not the masculine jock that gets the girls. In hindsight I know she was a just a bitch that was using me because she could, but when I first took my clothes off in front of her and she sneered... That was a massive ego hit.

It took time and love to get over that. My current girlfriend, the wonderful woman that she is, took the time to make it clear that when we are intimate, it is an expression of love. Size is never mentioned because it doesn't matter. She is just happy to be with me.

 

[Nalh78]

Thank you for your comments. When I was younger (13) my adopted cousin made me touch his junk and rub it, I didn't finish but it felt bigger to me. My husband asked me whose was bigger his or my cousin's and going back to when I was 13 I told him my cousins was, not even thinking about using today's time to compare, which I didn't want to do at all. This has hurt him so bad and I just can't seem to fix it. I love the intimacy that me and my husband have I think he is the best thing since sliced bread, cheesy, but I do. I can't see myself with anyone else. When he has these periods it's like it's the end all for him and this one is lingering. The episodes are further in between one another but this is so straining on the hope that it will go back to the way our marriage was before, happy and strong. Thanks again for replying. Ceremony my husband's story is much like your own I was his first as well.

 

[Ceremony]

Nalh78, I wish to suggest something that's helped me. I have googled "Does penis size matter". Women who have made YouTube videos stating what they think has made me feel better than almost anything. In fact, to me, the reason I'm now posting about this is 3 fold. I've started sharing about it, I had a T session about it, and those videos.

There are many and I suggest you prescreen. If somehow the topic can be raised with him tactfully, or you perhaps you share the YouTube history and he might just stumble across what you've already prescreened, then I think it would be of some assistance. It's not an I told you so moment, it's actually enlightening. To me, it's calmed my fears more than I knew. Because, here I am explaining what help those videos have been for me. I've watched most of them in the past few months.

I hope that helps?

 

[greenwizard]

What Ceremony suggested may help. Maybe Google articles on body issues. I know there are a ton of articles for women on the subject, but uh, men have body issues too. I know I did, and still do to an extent. I am short, and my girlfriend is an inch or so taller than me.

I am glad your husband has you, who seems to love him so very much. Does he maybe have a therapist he can bring this up with?

 

[greenwizard]

Wanted to add that I went and looked up 'Does penis size matter?' YouTube videos out of curiosity. Definitely gave me an ego boost. I saw that I am still very average, though this is in an area I thought I was less than average, so... I came to the conclusion a while ago that average isn't so bad.

 

[Ceremony]

Hello Nalh78, I've had this issue since bullies put it into my psyche. Bullies who said I was a dickless faggot, at pre-puberty age 12-13. They already had been in or through puberty, but me, late and small, I was their target, their victim! I think in my way, I'm able to understand every man from all time, who has an issue of fear and self loathing about their size. I'm also a big man, it's like, if only I were under 6' tall, at least proportion might work in my favor. But, nope, I had to be even taller!! So talk about frustrating. It created an intense dissociation about any understanding of relationships with whom I have been attracted.

I not only couldn't work up courage to seek a girlfriend, I had to just fall into it. Eventually, in my early 20's that happened and as it turned out, mutual satisfaction was fully achieved. I couldn't possibly have predicted that, it was obvious to me, what is she thinking, how is this even possible? I can't imagine you get this past I'm relating, but I think maybe, you can see the thoughts of a male, the interactive role we have with our partner, that makes it Ok. I think your aha moment has already occurred, but, well, I am working on this issue, and well, I'm hoping he's doing Ok?

I hope you're doing Ok? To me, to open up like this is two fold. I get to make another effort to either publicly humiliate myself, or self affirm and get validation, that dammit, I'm a human male who wants to accept himself like anyone! It's been a decades long slog for me, a really horrible and mentally brutal self destructive thinking path! Decades of the bullies voices playing pinball in my mind, leaving whip slashes where they go, and they just won't heal. It rages me up, gets me in a state of angst that is hard to calm.

So, that's one more thing to consider? How's his calm, how's yours? I really hope relating this, as a helping me, helping you is Ok? It's a big step for me, it's a very difficult thing for me to share this. It's new! Really new. Very few people have been given and opportunity to know this part of my fears, my humiliation. I have to stop the voice of derision and my fear and humiliation! I have to make it stop! The pain and rage have almost killed me at times, so, if I'm taking advantage, please, please forgive me. Your need is truly a concern of mine. I tend to just let go and type, or I might not have the courage to continue, so I did it, and here it is.

 

[Nalh78]

He says I'm the only one who has ever been able to calm his rage and he gives me mine. Thank you for your time and concern.

 

[WontGiveUp]

This is a pretty intense topic. I believe my husband has some of the same insecurities, and I think that sometimes it gets so strong that it can prevent him from even wanting to be physical sometimes. I dont think its the root cause of his issues, but I definitely think its a problem. I know that we had long talks when we first got together, and I could sense that he was worried that he was "lacking". Thing is, the way our bodies work, that there isnt really such thing as 'too small'.

I wonder Nalh78, if he was really just projecting his own fears and it turned into a fantasy about you saying that, and then over time it became "truth" to him? Does that make sense? I know that there have been times that my husband has done this, and there is NO convincing him otherwise. (he just gets mad and thinks he is being manipulated). Maybe there is something about being abused as a child that really sets the stage for the adult to feel "less than" in many ways (not just his genitailia). Much in the same way women can feel ugly, or unworthy? With men, maybe in addition to those unworthy thoughts, it gets wrapped up with the physical? Maybe some of the guys can chime in on that some?

Its for sure a serious issue, beyond locker room type jokes. It can impair performance when you feel you cant measure up. For me, my husband is lacking nothing. But I think he suspects any such notion as pandering or pity? Who knows.

 

[Ceremony]

WGU, I think mentioning, from my perspective, one who has been deeply affected by bullies, that once I physically connected with my wife, I was better off. The early years were very satisfying. That doesn't mean the bullies words left me, but being with my wife, I could stop them. I was able to connect with her, and dismiss all the voices.

This topic is very serious to me, and there are real consequences to my own thinking, so I have projected that the men who do have this body image problem, it's going to have had or has real impact toward processing body exposing experiences.

I have to put aside being overweight, because that's become an added problem, but the endowed issue has been an issue since pre-puberty. I think it has to be considered from the perspective that at 12, some of us had no ideas about sex, sexuality, nor really had had any pre-knowledge of puberty, didn't even know puberty existed. In my school district, back in 1973-'74 sex education occurred, or started in 7th grade. That's the first exposure to the word that I had. My body was not a very important part of my thinking until then.

That class coincided with having the new experience of open showering in gym class, and on top of that, the boys class had nude swimming. That really bothered me, as in, why did the teacher, or district expose boys like that? I discovered the girls didn't have that happen to them, so to me, this was an abomination of life. How did that make sense to the teacher or district? Then, where was that teacher in the locker room, when the boys went full on bully at me? Why were they allowed to do that without being reprimanded in real time? I don't recall any adult intervention, it was all neglect.

I am sorry that I have a lot to say about this topic, and in no way wanted to interrupt Nalh78's thread. I see that she's moved past the topic as I have posted. So, I will discuss this elsewhere Nalh78 if I'm getting too off topic as you intended?

 

[WontGiveUp]

Ceremony - I think you bring up some major points here. This clearly affected you deeply, and I suspect that many other survivors are in the same boat. Generally I think men have complexes about thier size. So much so that its common food for comedy of all forms, and its essentially a stigma of our culture. But when you add in CSA, and real horrific feelings that become associated with genitalia, well.... I can imagine what would be a general, small but not overwhelming insecurity could turn into a monster.

Where men have thier penis size to contend with, women tend to grow up with constant worries of being "fat". I know I did. I have been told my whole life how ugly I am, that I had a great personality, but would never be attractive when I got older. I was told from a very early age to not count on my looks to get me anywhere. I was also told repeatedly how fat I was, though when I look back - I wasnt fat at all. I am not a small woman, I am tall, have wide shoulders and generally have an extremely strong build. If it wasnt for being as tall as I was, I would have gone quite far in gymnastics. But my coach said I would never make it because I was too big (not fat, but already taller than the coach at 12 if that says anything). Its been a complex in my whole life, I remember overhearing my aunt telling my mom that it was too bad I looked the way I did, that I would look "ok" if I lost some weight. I was 11. And not even remotely fat. This has haunted my life, and I know has deeply affected how i see myself. I sew costumes and every singe thing I have made I made too big, because I see myself as fat. I am overweight right now, but back when I probably didnt have an ounce of fat on my body, after living on the streets and eating every other day for a long time, I STILL saw a fat girl when I looked into a mirror. I look at one of the only pictures I had back then of myself and I look like a walking skeleton.

Its amazing how self view can be so warped. Maybe thats why I kinda get some of this stuff about how seeing yourself in one way that doesnt reflect reality can be so painful to grasp.

Ceremony - I am astonished too that they did nude swimming... that seems exceedlingly inappropriate, and I was in elementary school in the 70s. Things like breed self abuse (beacuse when you learn to hate yourself, that is abuse on your own heart and soul). I think you are right - TOTAL abomination of life, and it should never have happened. I imaging that every single guy who had to deal with that has serious impact to their self esteem.

I hope Nalh78 doesnt mind either - what you have said is so eye opening, and I am really glad you can address this issues. For me, my weight is the single most impacting condition I have, it has ruined everything for me that I should enjoy. And while I am working hard to correct it, its a slow process which requires patience and guts to keep doing it even when progress cannot be detected. Its gonna be the same with you. Keep working at acceptance of your body, and make the changes you want to make FOR YOU. Slow and steady my friend.

 

[greenwizard]

Seriously, nude swimming? That raises serious red flags with me. I went to high school in the late 90's and showering was optional, and nobody ever did. I still didn't like changing in front of the other boys. Partly because I couldn't resist looking, but that's another story. I did and do have serious body issues.

 

[Ceremony]

Thanks WGU and greenwizard for validating the trauma of nude swimming as a prepubescent. Those bullying years have been the most trauma besides that rape.

What I want to add is my understanding of women and body image. There are so many shapes we all come in. And it gets to the point of where do we honor each other for the human we are. The soft shapes we can share or get stressed about. Hmmm. gotta breath, I really have a lot of passion about women.

So, with that, and not to be an idiot, I want to say how it's appropriate for the woman partner to ask for sex, to ask for hugs and snuggles and go right up to the man and seek total interaction and passion. I've expressed that to my wife for decades, but almost all intimacy is initiated by me, and there is no hand holding, hugs, kisses or snuggles unless I initiate. AND THAT bugs the shite out of me!

So, yeah, I think as we age, and grow in our minds, and our bodies change, they're more difficult to manage. The desire to manage is stressful, and stress is a weight gain issue. Dang the thing is a cycle issue that's too sad. I'm still connected intimately to my wife, but it's more in my mind of late. I have it placed in the what if and wait part of my brain.

There's just no excuse for a partner to ignore these things if they're planning to stay together and intimate contact isn't a trigger at the time. I acknowledge there is trauma in lives where sex isn't in the cards. But, yuh know, snuggling is awesome, that term spooning can evoke sex, but it doesn't have to. Just being in the arms of another, or having them wrapped in ours, is deeply moving expression of safe intimacy.

Outbursts are the quickest way I know to end the mood. And on top of that, the stress that adds weight complicates it all.

Best wishes WGU!!

 

[greenwizard]

For me it was not okay for my girlfriend to initiate intimacy, at least for a while. I know that was just a personal thing on account of my attack. Now it is okay for her to hug me or pull me in for a snuggle, but until I got comfortable with her it freaked me out. I still can't handle her touching me in a sexual way unless I okay it first.