husband's depression

husband's depression
P

passion

Registrant
Hi,
I have been on and off of this site since summer 2005. I've found the discussions to be enlightening, comforting, scary, and frustrating all at the same time.

My story - my husband and I have been married for almost 11 years, no children. Our sex life was great, not as frequent as I'd liked, but very good. He was always shy about his body and took almost 6 six years before he'd appear nude before me in daylight. In 1999, my mom passed away and I went into somewhat of a depression and sort of pushed him away and he didn't know what to do with me. When I was ready for him again, ready to really feel intimacy, he withdrew. About a year passed without having sex and finally "I" decided that we needed counseling. In those short 3months or so, he revealed to me "(at the counselor's request)" that he was sexually abused at the age of 6 by a babysitter. he pretty much shut down after that and didn't talk about it and that counselor did no good.

We tried another marital counselor (at the time I thought it was a couple's issue) for about six weeks or so. This counselor was good and was working on getting my hubby to confront these demons, his father who wasn't a father, etc. Conveniently, he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and couldn't handle the therapy and being young with this condition so we stopped. He said he'd go back and never did.

Well, here is where we are today. I am really wanting a baby and I think he does too but he's scared to death. We haven't been sexually active for 4 years but I love him dearly. Right after Thanksgiving (I started talking baby last June) he started getting very depressed, highly out of character for him! He just doesn't want to do anything, is pretty indecisive and wants to lay in bed. He has been forcing himself to get out of the house over the holidays but I think he is worn out now. He made the decision a few days ago to see a therapist next week, really planning on calling to make an appt. on Tuesday. Well, yesterday he called me from his cell phone and asked if I would mind making an appt. for him. He is feeling so bad now and doesn't want to get out of bed. For him to actually ask for this appt. is a monstrous step for him and I am so proud of him!!!

My question to everyone who has dealt with this, I am not pushing him to discuss anything with me because he is obviously not ready, however, do I let him lay around and feel bad or do I encourage him to get up and out? We were supposed to have another couple over tonight for new years, do I still have them come? Are distractions good or do I give him days to grieve?

It is so hard to see him hurting like this and I know there is nothing that I can say right now. What can I do for him until he goes to his first therapy appt. on Wed.?

passion
 
Passion
we're not easy people to live with, we have so many hangups and issues that life with a survivor is very unlikely to be easy.
But - once we've made the decision to sort ourselves out then there's a better than even chance of getting the guy you fell in love with back again.
So make that appointment and kick his ass outta bed!

I will tell any partner that 'you' can't heal for your guy, but if he gives you a inch then take it, so make the appointment and don't be afraid of telling him that HE asked you to do it.

What else can you do? well, offer support and love, be positive when everything looks like going down the pan and just be 'there' for him.
That's a tough deal I know, and one that means a lot of sacrifice and pain along the way.
I'm not saying this as an excuse for another survivor to get an easy ride, far from it, we don't need an easy ride. What we need is the chance to do our healing our way and in our own time, but support and love is so importnant to us - never underestimate that.

If you can find a therapist that specialises in, or at the very least has good experience of, sexual abuse then that's the way to go. I believe that 'general' therapists are often poorly equipped to deal with the strong and particular issues we present.

Sex within a relationship is a common enough problem for many of us survivors, it's a problem I still face after 30 years of marriage. And the thing that many partners pick up on is that we started off just fine, and then hit a wall, and not just sex but all intimacy just stopped. It's something I'm determined to face and deal with through therapy very soon, before I get too old for it :rolleyes:

You're doing all the right things so far, supporting him and making efforts to learn about CSA in order to help him, but I would say that pressure to start a family 'might' be the wrong thing at this time. But please don't take my opinion as gospel, many survivors also find that having kids is a catalyst in their healing.
And don't let what happened to me happen to you, after 31 years of marriage we have no kids, solely down to me not trusting myself - and that was down to my abuse and nothing else.
I guess what I'm saying is - "think very hard about the decision" and try to avoid putting pressure on him if at all possible. If he agrees and he's also thought about it, then go for it.

Take care
Dave
 
One other thing, maybe to our 'Bookstore' link and but one the books - I'd personally recomment Mike Lew's "Victims No Longer" - and either give it to him if you feel he'd be receptive, or read it yourself and maybe leave it lying around somewhere where he'd find it. I doubt very much he'd resist picking it up.

BOOKSTORE LINK

MS get a small % of all sales through this link, and every bit helps ;)
Dave
 
Dave,

I took your advice and gently encouraged him to be social lastnight. Although you could tell he certainly wasn't himself, I think it was distracting to him which was my goal - there were a few smiles and laughs here and there. AT the turn of the year, he gave me the most firm, deep, and feeling hug full of love that we've exchanged in a while. Almost brought me to tears. I really think he's ready.

He came home, asked if I minded him playing a video game, and was there until 5 a.m. I figure at least he was occupying himself with something so I let him be.

I am not sure how good this therapist is that he's seeing next week. I did it through his insurance because it was Friday at 3p.m. and everyone is closed on Monday and I wanted him to have some kind of appt. The first appt. is more of an evaluation type. I've been doing more research since then and I will make additional calls on Tuesday and hope that I get someone who specializes in SA healing. Do you have suggestions on how to go about finding a decent T besides flipping through the phonebook? My online searches have not been going well either (maybe not using my " and "ands" correctly in my search topic.

Dave, I am so glad that you guys are here because I am really going to depend on you for guidance in dealing with my hubby. I can honestly say that besides the death of my mother, I have never hurt for someone so much in my life. Helping him and in turn helping us is the most important thing to me right now - if love and support is what he needs, he's got it.

THank you so much and I'll talk you...

I will definitely visit the bookstore, too.

Passion
 
Hi passion--

As I was reading Dave's post, I found myself in total agreement-- so I am glad that you took his advice and that it worked out so well for you two.

Distractions like video games or staying in bed do have a space in healing I think, but sparingly-- otherwise this just turns into a cycle of feeling unhealthy and unproductive which leads to more depression or need to escape, and on and on...

I know that once in a while I give myself permission to just feel bad and be overwhelmed, but I try to choose a behavior with manageable consequences later. So maybe I decide it is okay for me to just play a game and not do the laundry because I will have time to do it tomorrow-- but I don't choose to eat a pint of ice cream or stay up so late that I won't have energy for tomorrow.

My boyfriend is learning to do this too, but there is a lot that needs to come before it. The first thing, which might seem basic if you already know how to do it-- is that he has to recognize and admit to having a feeling. Then he has to give himself permission to feel that thing, and to do something about it-- he has to take control of the process of dealing with the feeling instead of falling back on the old coping mechanism that enabled him to keep on going without examining anything. Does that sound exhausting? Because it really is.

I ask my boyfriend to put a time limit on his game-playing-- it is something I suggest to him as a friend because I want to see him making healthy choices (not becoming sleep-deprived or procrastinating) and something I make a boundary in our relationship where it affects the time we spend as a couple.

I am glad you are with us :) -- hope things go well for him at the therapist.

SAR
 
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