husband shutting down - is this normal?
Hi all,
I haven't posted in a long while but I am really feeling compelled to do so because I need maybe not even advice but a great deal of support.
My husband of 11 years disclosed his abuse to me about 4 yrs. ago during a short bout of marriage counseling. i say short because as soon as he gave me the letter with his disclosure, counseling stopped a few weeks later because of some other health issues. Convenient - and we never went back. The topic has not been discussed since.
This past Dec. and Jan. he experienced the worst depression. Not getting out of bed, mumbling, not eating, almost comatose. I made it clear that I was by his side and tried my best to just make sure he didn't get sick. After about 2 weeks of really being down, he finally asked me to make an appt. for him to see a therapist. He went twice - the first one he was diagnosed as moderately to severely depressed, the second to talk a bit and get meds. He took the meds for a few days and stopped because they made him feel yucky and he wanted to do this on his own. Keep in mind he never discussed what was wrong. He said he didn't know and to just give him time.
Jumping ahead a bit - he came out of the dumps a bit and poured his heart and soul into work (more than usual). He was never home, especially the last two months. When I would comment on how little time we are spending together he didn't say much. I've been accused of being selfish and wanting to spend 24 hours a day with him. That was a total exaggeration because we have literally gone to 3 movies and out to dinner maybe four times all year - we haven't been sexually active for 5 years.
Ok, here is the biggie. I really want children. I had a bad day last week after being asked by a few people (jokingly and innocently) if we had made a baby on our anniversary two weeks ago. Well, it was too much for me to handle and I just sobbed because I know that this is far in the future if at all.
Anyway, he called home, heard in my voice I was really sad and upset and came home. He asked what was wrong and I just couldn't hold it in. I told him what happened, laying no blame, just that it was getting harder to possibly have to accept kids may not happen for us.
For the first time in our marriage, he literally looked at me for a few minutes with sincerity and then walked away. No words, no hug, no sigh, no eye rolling; just emptiness and silence. He has been out all but one night since then (one night he got drunk and didn't come home which he's never done). we had a small talk the night he was home and in the middle of the conversation he said,"I know that if we had children right now that we wouldn't be having this conversation and it is 100% my fault." It was the only time he looked me dead in my eyes with sincerity. He says his depression is just right around the corner and that he doesn't want to be a piece of shit father like his was.
He tried to divert the reason for this talk a few times with another minor issue (me not wanting him to spend time with his friends - which is not true. My husband truly does what he wants.) I may say things from time to time but he is pretty stubborn anyway.
Anyway, since my moment of pure weakness and sobbing he has literally not been home, said nothing to me. He lays in bed until 1 or 2 pm if not later and then goes out. Several times he just goes driving. He says that right now he just needs to be left alone to get his head together. He has no interest in being with me, near me, doing anything that involves being a partner.
He says he loves me, wants to be with me and this has nothing to do with me. I want to believe him, support him, have a life with him. How do I do that if he doesn't talk to me at all? Does this mean he is truly trying to confront these demons and he is having a hard time or is it possible that he is just avoiding everything? He has been saying he has some issues to work out for the past 3 years. This is really difficult. I am frustrated with having no intimacy, having him shut me out and do things with other friends and not with me.....What do I do? Should I send him this site? Insist that he go to therapy with me because I am starting on Monday? I don't know...I am just frustrated, scared, and sad.
I don't know what to do. We have never gone more than a day without talking. It has been 9.
I would love to hear from everyone. Is it a common symptom for the survivor to push their partner away? do I remind him of what he views as his weaknesses?
I need insight.
I haven't posted in a long while but I am really feeling compelled to do so because I need maybe not even advice but a great deal of support.
My husband of 11 years disclosed his abuse to me about 4 yrs. ago during a short bout of marriage counseling. i say short because as soon as he gave me the letter with his disclosure, counseling stopped a few weeks later because of some other health issues. Convenient - and we never went back. The topic has not been discussed since.
This past Dec. and Jan. he experienced the worst depression. Not getting out of bed, mumbling, not eating, almost comatose. I made it clear that I was by his side and tried my best to just make sure he didn't get sick. After about 2 weeks of really being down, he finally asked me to make an appt. for him to see a therapist. He went twice - the first one he was diagnosed as moderately to severely depressed, the second to talk a bit and get meds. He took the meds for a few days and stopped because they made him feel yucky and he wanted to do this on his own. Keep in mind he never discussed what was wrong. He said he didn't know and to just give him time.
Jumping ahead a bit - he came out of the dumps a bit and poured his heart and soul into work (more than usual). He was never home, especially the last two months. When I would comment on how little time we are spending together he didn't say much. I've been accused of being selfish and wanting to spend 24 hours a day with him. That was a total exaggeration because we have literally gone to 3 movies and out to dinner maybe four times all year - we haven't been sexually active for 5 years.
Ok, here is the biggie. I really want children. I had a bad day last week after being asked by a few people (jokingly and innocently) if we had made a baby on our anniversary two weeks ago. Well, it was too much for me to handle and I just sobbed because I know that this is far in the future if at all.
Anyway, he called home, heard in my voice I was really sad and upset and came home. He asked what was wrong and I just couldn't hold it in. I told him what happened, laying no blame, just that it was getting harder to possibly have to accept kids may not happen for us.
For the first time in our marriage, he literally looked at me for a few minutes with sincerity and then walked away. No words, no hug, no sigh, no eye rolling; just emptiness and silence. He has been out all but one night since then (one night he got drunk and didn't come home which he's never done). we had a small talk the night he was home and in the middle of the conversation he said,"I know that if we had children right now that we wouldn't be having this conversation and it is 100% my fault." It was the only time he looked me dead in my eyes with sincerity. He says his depression is just right around the corner and that he doesn't want to be a piece of shit father like his was.
He tried to divert the reason for this talk a few times with another minor issue (me not wanting him to spend time with his friends - which is not true. My husband truly does what he wants.) I may say things from time to time but he is pretty stubborn anyway.
Anyway, since my moment of pure weakness and sobbing he has literally not been home, said nothing to me. He lays in bed until 1 or 2 pm if not later and then goes out. Several times he just goes driving. He says that right now he just needs to be left alone to get his head together. He has no interest in being with me, near me, doing anything that involves being a partner.
He says he loves me, wants to be with me and this has nothing to do with me. I want to believe him, support him, have a life with him. How do I do that if he doesn't talk to me at all? Does this mean he is truly trying to confront these demons and he is having a hard time or is it possible that he is just avoiding everything? He has been saying he has some issues to work out for the past 3 years. This is really difficult. I am frustrated with having no intimacy, having him shut me out and do things with other friends and not with me.....What do I do? Should I send him this site? Insist that he go to therapy with me because I am starting on Monday? I don't know...I am just frustrated, scared, and sad.
I don't know what to do. We have never gone more than a day without talking. It has been 9.
I would love to hear from everyone. Is it a common symptom for the survivor to push their partner away? do I remind him of what he views as his weaknesses?
I need insight.
)