hurt

hurt
J

Jas21

Registrant
so i went out and got myself hurt last night and now i'm feeling guilty about it, anyone else do that? i know i shouldn't, it's dangerous, not healthy, i need to stop doing it but i get so overcome with the feeling, or need, or whatever you want to call it.. i get irrational.

any thoughts/suggestions/comments on this are appreciated.

thanks,
jas
 
Depends what you mean? I used to walk up to the biggest bloke in the bar and pick fights, just to prove I was a "Man".

I used to cut myself and put cigarettes out on my skin.

However, I get a sense thats not what you mean.
 
jas, hurting yourself, or putting yourself in a place that you know you will be hurt is pain. you have so much rage, pain and self-hate that underneath you feel you deserve to be hurt and punished. it actually feels good to be hurt. in a way it absolves you of your sins a little.

you know what? you dont deserve to be hurt. i know right now you dont feel like that, but i promise you that you dont deserve to be hurt. i promise you the abuse wasnt your fault, and your confusion over dealing with it all is normal after that happens.

in time, with some help, you'll be okay again. in time you will come to see the things i have said are true. until then,try and be kind to yourself, and try to talk about it instead of lashing out. the men here will understand. you'll find many of us have even done the things you did.
 
it's like the only thing that makes me feel real and useful. yeah sometimes i pick fights but that's not what i mean. i don't cut or burn myself either. it's hard to explain what i do,
i'm ashamed of myself. guess i recreate the
abuse, thats the only way i can explain it.
and i do feel like i deserve it but at the same
time it makes me feel real. and it does make
me feel good like you said phoster
 
living in the country, i used to act out in the woods a lot. when i hurt myself it was usually sexual. i remember humping a fallen tree until i was a bloody mess. i remember messing with animals because they were the grossest, lowest thing i could imagine. i loved to be humilated and used. if someone urinated on me, it was what i deserved. whatever you are doing, i can gaurentee someone here has done it. when i first came out here about the animal thing, you wouldnt believe how my PM filled up with people telling me that had done the same. that is what is great here, these guys have been where you are. am i ashamed now? i guess i've finally realized those things happened 25-30 years ago. at some point you have to forgive yourself. i've done things more recent that i am not proud of, but again, at some point you have to allow yourself a fresh start, when the time is right, and when you are ready.
 
thanks for telling me that, makes me feel not so alone. i don't hurt myself, i find other people to do it for me. does that make any sense?
it kinda makes me sick really, there's so many
guys out there who are more than willing to abuse someone they don't even know just to get off.
its crazy
 
Jas,

Me too, my friend, me too.

Been there done that.

Love ya

Darrel
 
jas21,

For that kind of "acting out" there are so many possible explanations, and really, the only way to settle that one is to see a therapist. But here are a few ideas.

A boy who is emotionally neglected may drift into the clutches of an abuser and, in his confusion, may conclude that the attention he is receiving from the perp is caring and love rather than abuse. Later, in adulthood, he may still equate the abuse with caring and may seek to recreate the abuse so as to convince himself he is valuable and lovable.

In many cases when a boy grows up and has not received the help he needs to heal, he will recreate the abuse so that at least this time it is under his control.

As you can see, this kind of thing shows how emotionally distraught the survivor is. That doesn't mean he is going nuts or he's weird. What it shows is that abuse is a horrific crime against a child and can continue to affect him many years later if his issues are not addressed.

Much love,
Larry
 
as Larry said, a lot of this stuff is subconscience. on the surface you may not be doing it to punish yourself, or because you need it to feel love and affection, but inside those are driving it. the thing is, before you start therapy and really digging into it, you dont even realize why. it has just become something you do. when you feel bad, you go and act out to feel better, but after you only feel worse for doing it. over and over. it never ends until you end it.
 
thanks...
i just don't really know how to act when someones being nice to me, i don't know what they expect from me. i had a really great therapist for two years, we never got around to talking about this issue but he was real good. i really don't want to go to another therapist, i didn't have a choice then, i had to see him. i don't know, there are so many fucking issues and so many things i never spoke about or even really thought about sometimes i just give up. but i guess this one now is the big one because it's effecting me now. larry when you say some people recreate the abuse because they're in control of it this time, i understand that, it makes sense but for me the lack of control and the fear is what drives me. when i hook up like that there's always something in the back of my mind saying "this might be it, you might not make it out of here this time"
and i don't even care
 
what you said about not knowing how to act when someone's being nice to you really hit home to me. i was talking to my girlfriend and she was telling me that she loves me and how amazing she thinks i am and i'm just not used to it. being told what a piece of crap i am is a lot more familiar to me and feels a lot truer than being amazing does. altho it hurts, i'm much more comfortable being told what a screw up i am and how awful i am. cause the truth is i am a bit of a screw up and i do a lot of things wrong. and eventho i do, she's still here and i know she loves me.

i have put myself in situations where i knew i would be hurt. i did it for different reasons. i thought i deserved it and sometimes i would because if i put myself there nobody else would have to be there and i just figured they didn't deserve it and i did so why not? and at times i would instigate it because i felt that if i did, at least i could control it and maybe it wouldn't be so bad. but without fail it would hit me like a train that i really wasn't controlling it or that i had lost control of it somewhere along the way. but even sort of controlling the when did help sometimes because at least i wasn't blindsided by it. i would get right in his face and intentionally antagonize him until he would blow and even after he would there were times i would keep pushing him. and then i would tell myself "you asked for this" so there was no point in complaining about it. and there were many times i not only didn't care if i survived it, but i didn't want to.

just thought i'd let you know you're not alone with this.
 
ya, ditto, on what everyone said about it.
i go out and get myself F'd up all the time by
other people, or sometimes i just do it myself.
when ppl are mean to me i know just how to
act or respond to them. when there nice to me
i wonder what the hell they want from me.

trevor
 
Same with me. When people are nice, I feel they want something so I withdraw immediately. I never hurt myself physically, but I do live very austere. I like the feeling of overcoming extreme hunger and I have slept on the hard floor for years. It's like I want to get so used to pain that no one can ever possibly hurt me again. Another weird thing is to feel sexually aroused I need to think of getting raped or perhaps being forced to do something sexually demeaning against my will. Like everyone else said, we're not alone.

Jesse
 
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