HPV, Cancer and STDs

[Robert1000]

Hey family and friends,

Well, I've got some bad news. I guess I had always considered myself lucky. I had engaged in a stretch of some pretty risky sexual behavior about 20 years ago when I was a young adult. I had AIDS tests a few times and other tests too and came up negative. Basically, I paid no attention to protection, and I had sex with as many partners as would have me. I was depressed and isolated by the emotional pain of my abuse and whatever else, and as many abused people do I sought connections through sex. It made me miserable, but I did it anyway. Seven years ago, deep into my partnership/marriage with my wife (who was my girlfriend back in the 1990s and who I cheated on with all those other flings. I know. Classy.) I cheated on her again (but this was a big-time cheat because we had two kids and a life together at this point) with someone who I now understand was a sexual predator. Whatever. That's the history.

Anyway, a few days ago, my partner found out that some bleeding she's been having after intercourse is because of "abnormal" cells on her cervix. The abnormal cells could very well be caused by HPV, which she has. There is no doubt that I gave it to her. It's a kind of HPV that's linked strongly to cancer. She's only done the one test, and more are scheduled. We don't know what the problem is. But if it's cancer, then my sexual betrayals will have actually given cervical cancer to the woman I love more than anything in the world.

I'm so torn up. And I'm scared. Cancer is just terrifying. Plus, this whole thing is so unfair. She's done nothing but be straightforward and a loving partner and a great mom. I'm resolved to be supportive of her. And I will be. (That seems like a baseline, but I wanted to be clear about it.) I'll be talking about this in therapy. But I wanted to share this here and ask for your thoughts, insights and advice. And please pray for her health.

Thanks. I'm so bummed.

Bob

 

[Mishka95673]

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[target687]

So sorry to hear you're both dealing with this. How is your wife handling it? I personally think, that after everything that you both have been through, the biggest thing in the end is standing by her side (like you said). Being supportive, sharing your feelings. Telling her how you feel, letting her know that you will do whatever she needs to get through this together. Continue the communication, and don't let the pain of feeling guilty take over (as I know you said you are feeling that way). That always seemed to lead to more pain in my personal relationship. So I guess, just try to tackle this the best you two can, together. With honesty, openness. She may have moments of anger, and frustration. Or maybe she's just sad? But allow her to feel. Share your feelings. The transperancy of emotions can be painful, but looking back at things...it's the best way to handle it all. Good luck to the both of you!!

 

[Esposa]

Hi Bob - You know we love you right?

I have that kind of HPV (prior to meeting my husband) and had the cancerous cells removed 14 years ago and have never once since had an issue. Cervical cancer is incredibly slow moving and honestly, prior to the vaccine, HPV was spread almost as easily as HSV1. AND, condoms DO NOT STOP HPV so you can stop beating yourself up for that. My 2 cents? Instead of nurturing your shame, my friend, put the energy where it belongs

My husband gave me an STD when he was acting out sexually. The shame he feels today over that is immense. But forgiveness is not done in pieces is it?

 

[Robert1000]

Thank you. I really appreciate your words. I know it's not about me, really, but shame is such an old friend, so to speak. It's hard not to fall back into it.

I should add, too, that my wife spent about a day being PISSED off, but she's one of those rare people who makes decisions and accepts them. It's hard for me to accept her anger, even for a few minutes, but I'm trying to give her the space to have her feelings and understand that feelings pass. We're moving forward together. I'm actually not going to share all of my personal roller-coaster feelings about this with her, because I don't want it to be about me and my shame. (I'm sometimes good at sucking up all the energy/attention/sympathy/whatnot in the room, and I can see a scenario where suddenly she's comforting me about the feelings that I have about her cancer scare! That would be ridiculous!) Anyway, I'm worried for her, but I'm also pragmatic. I have been reading up on cervical cancer, and I have seen that it's not likely as dangerous as other forms of cancer. I'm praying.

And like I said, we're moving forward together. I'm so glad to have a few places like this and like therapy where I can just share my feelings and be accepted. I'm so glad to have your support, Mishka and Esposa and target. Thank you.

I'll give updates, and I hope you all are doing well.

Bob