I suppose I can't blame OCD for bringing me back here to write my post #2130.
But today is 4 years since my first post. I'd been reading here since the previous summer, registered in February, and finally posted. No name, of course. I was way too scared for anything like that four years ago tonight.
In these past four years my life has changed in so many ways. I'm still here at home, but my kids are only here every other week. The woman who used to complain when my hypnagogic flashbacks disturbed her sleep took them a couple hours ago. But we had a very good week, and despite all that they have been through in the last two and a half years, I feel they will be ok. They know I love them and they know I will never abandon them. Many of us could have used that kind of knowledge when we were young.
I'm still in T, though no longer with the psychologist who was the marriage counselor for my ex-wife and me. My T and I have talked about whether I'm "done," but it does seem that there's work undone which was pushed to the back burner when my ex took off.
In general, I have to say I'm happy with my life. I have "issues," but I'm aware of them. I get triggered by some things, but I also recognize some likely triggers and step around them. I have a growing feeling that the kind of acceptance that I feel in some areas will be key to finding more and more happiness in other areas of my life. Yes, some people did some terrible things to the child. But those days are gone. The world is a much safer place than it seemed back in bad old days. It's full of good people. If it weren't, then the evil would be the norm, and nothing to get upset about, right?
Sometimes, in moments of difficulty, I've thought about the things from the past, about my "survivorhood." I think things like, "I'll be damned if I let you do to the man what they couldn't do to the boy." I do take a kind of pride in the strength I have found in myself, although it's not something I put there myself.
Until I stop trying, they can't win. Today I have come to believe that in my heart. Not only is my strength yet unbroken, the ones who would seek to break me, the ones to did their best to hurt me are simply not capable. God has other plans for me. (I saw a sign in front of a church today, 'Jeremiah 29:11-13,' verses that helped me so much and so many times.)
I thought maybe I'd have something profound to say here today, but I guess what's really important is to say that I know it gets better. I was not alone. I'm still not. And you, wherever you are as you read this, you are not alone, either.
Thanks,
Joe
