Howdy, Done lurking

Howdy, Done lurking
O

outis

Registrant
Hi,

I'm writing 'cause I have to. I read so many things here that strike nerves with me, and I feel afraid that there are worse things ahead as I remember more. I thought I had always remembered everything that happened to me, but I never told anyone. Last summer I told my wife because we were in a real tough time and when I said that she never shared with me, she accused me of the same. So I F*ing shared, alright. Lately I've remembered things I didn't realize I'd forgotten, like being taken into the shower the mornings after.

We were in couples' therapy already, and she brought it up to the T. Now I have my own appointments to keep.

I'm still in denial, or out of touch with my feelings, or something. I have a lot of trouble sleeping, but rarely remember any dreams. I've had a couple experiences that I think might be flashbacks (Once I thought I saw my abuser enter the baseroom room where I was writing), but I'm not sure about that. It's like I know where I actually am, but I feel *exactly* like I'm somewhere else.

I get itchy a lot when I think of this stuff. I just noticed now cause I'm so itchy writing this now.

I had a real weird experience last weekend. I was reading something online (not here, but Usenet) and all of a sudden I had many intense memories running through my head *simultaneously* if you know what I mean. I had fainting spells when I was a kid, and have had a couple incidents in my adulthood. When I'm coming to, there's a weird disorientation, and my sight and hearing come back slowly. I had that feeling, even though I did not lose conciousness (or at least I didn't fall on any of my piles of stuff :D ) when I was reading. About 15 years ago I had a series of brain scans, EEGs, and other tests looking for epilepsy, but there were never any "abnormal" results. I've started to wonder if the fainting was/is related to my history.

I read stuff you guys write, and I feel something powerful, but I don't know what. Sometimes my eyes get wet; sometimes I feel like I'm going to start crying and not be able to stop; sometimes I shiver or shudder. But the tears don't flow, the crying doesn't start. I've read all the books I could get my hands on, lurked on line for months here and elsewhere. I understand that there will have to be some emotional release (doesn't that sound nice and neat written that way?), but I don't know how or when it's going to come. I almost wish I would have a nightmare or a crying jag even though I'm sure I'd wish to escape either one if it really happened.

I don't know why I'm writing now. I guess I'm tired of keeping so much stuff inside. I'm going to force my self to post this now. Maybe someday I'll write something lucid.
 
Hi Outis! Welcome!

I have found this site to be an Oasis that I stumbled across while sailing from the living death of abuse to the rising sun of recovery. The MS oasis holds a variety of life, some of which I understand and some of which I don't. The water varies from pond to pond but it is all drinkable. The land is hilly but it is able to substain us all as we share our inner selves. The sun shines bright at times, which is a little hard on my eyes at times, but it does allow me a detailed view at the grain of my experiences.

Part of me wishes I did not need an oasis like MS and it was never necessary to go back to the tearful places of my abuse. Sadly, that cannot be and I need the mutual healing that is found here. I have learned that through the pain of recall and discussion with others here I am able to gather some strength and measure of healing. In addition, there is some humour to be found here and so it is not all boo hoo and foo foo. Hope you check us out and get to know some members.

Sincerely

Ross
 
Hello Outis,

Thanks for writting--it is always helpful to hear another man talk about his experiences.

My experience was that when I started to think about my abuse, which I had never forgotten really, I felt a great need to control my thoughts and feelings because I thought I was going to lose my mind. When I got to a point where I could not hold back I sure did cry. Most of the time that made me feel really good--and exhausted.

Be good to yourself, most professionals tell us to NOT force memories. And remind yourself that you are not losing your mind--you are finding your true feelings about the hideous things you were forced to let happen to you.

It really is worth the truth coming to our consciousness. We get a whole new slant on life when that all happens--but it is not fun as it all is happening.

Stick with us, and write what you want when you can.

Peace to you Outis.

Bob
 
Outis I hope you get to the point where you can cry.

Sometimes I cry for hours or days.

It is the only rational responce for what happened to me and my sister and what was taken from us when we were so small.

Take care and welcoe to MS.
 
We were in couples' therapy already, and she brought it up to the T. Now I have my own appointments to keep.
Click to expand...
Outis, it's good you, and your wife, are going to therapy, and that you are opening up to each other. May not seem to you like it was the best way to do it, but we've all got to start somewhere.

I'm still in denial, or out of touch with my feelings, or something. I have a lot of trouble sleeping, but rarely remember any dreams. I've had a couple experiences that I think might be flashbacks (Once I thought I saw my abuser enter the baseroom room where I was writing), but I'm not sure about that. It's like I know where I actually am, but I feel *exactly* like I'm somewhere else.
Click to expand...
Sounds very much like flashbacks to me, as well as dissociation or depersonalization ("out of touch with my feelings"). Also sounds like you're coming out of denial, fellow survivor. I see things out of the corner of my eye or hear weird sounds I couldn't be hearing. These are sensory memories related to your abuse, very probably; mine are.

I had a real weird experience last weekend. I was reading something online (not here, but Usenet) and all of a sudden I had many intense memories running through my head *simultaneously* if you know what I mean.
Click to expand...
Oh yes I do; another kind of flashbacks. What I call a "flash flood." Had a run of those for several months when I first started recovery about 18 months ago.

I had fainting spells when I was a kid, and have had a couple incidents in my adulthood. When I'm coming to, there's a weird disorientation, and my sight and hearing come back slowly. I had that feeling, even though I did not lose conciousness (or at least I didn't fall on any of my piles of stuff :D ) when I was reading. About 15 years ago I had a series of brain scans, EEGs, and other tests looking for epilepsy, but there were never any "abnormal" results. I've started to wonder if the fainting was/is related to my history.
Click to expand...
Outis, my suspicion would be that the fainting does relate to your history, which is part of why it doesn't show up on brain scans, EEG's, etc. I went thru that whole testing routine over a couple year period shortly before I started into recovery. I don't usually faint per say, but I have periods where I seem to blank out: I keep doing what I'm doing but can't remember getting from one place to the next; these are a matter of minutes, usually seconds, but weird.

Also I have the disorientation, quite a bit. Also bouts of vertigo, which actually started all those brain tests (they didn't find anything! ;) )

Outis, so much of this stuff is tragically fairly common to trauma & especially SA survivors like us.

I read stuff you guys write, and I feel something powerful, but I don't know what. Sometimes my eyes get wet; sometimes I feel like I'm going to start crying and not be able to stop; sometimes I shiver or shudder. But the tears don't flow, the crying doesn't start. I've read all the books I could get my hands on, lurked on line for months here and elsewhere. I understand that there will have to be some emotional release (doesn't that sound nice and neat written that way?), but I don't know how or when it's going to come. I almost wish I would have a nightmare or a crying jag even though I'm sure I'd wish to escape either one if it really happened.
Click to expand...
Outis, maybe you're starting to feel the feelings, including the pain, that you've been burying. This helped you survive for a time, but now it is keeping you from living life to the fullest as your truest self.

We each have our own ways & times for emoting & venting. Talk to your therapist about ways that might be helpful for you yet not harmful to others, like your wife.

Meanwhile, feel free to keep coming here to share & to vent & gain support. You encourage & support us too when you do.

I don't know why I'm writing now. I guess I'm tired of keeping so much stuff inside. I'm going to force my self to post this now. Maybe someday I'll write something lucid.
Click to expand...
Fellow survivor this is very lucid, and meaningful to me personally. Thank you and keep posting as you are able. Take care.

Victor
 
Thanks, Ross, Bob, MrEdd. I'll be spending a lot of time here, I'm sure.

Victor, special thanks for the details. I've been so long uncertain and confused about what's happening/happened. It felt good to read that you're familiar with the same things, though I wish neither of us ever had to be familiar with them.
 
Outis, it's good to know you'll be spending time in this brotherhood of male survivors. We're all unique yet have some common things that bind us & in which we can support one another.

Victor
 
Well nigh to a year on now, and where do we stand? Sorry, but I guess it's obsessive compulsive disorder that brought me here for my 1000th post.
I'm writing 'cause I have to. I read so many things here that strike nerves with me, and I feel afraid that there are worse things ahead as I remember more.
Click to expand...
Nothing has changed. Things I read here continue to shake me. There were some worse things as I remembered more, and there may yet be. I guess it's true that we only get the stuff when we're ready to face it.
I thought I had always remembered everything that happened to me, but I never told anyone. Last summer I told my wife because we were in a real tough time and when I said that she never shared with me, she accused me of the same. So I F*ing shared, alright. Lately I've remembered things I didn't realize I'd forgotten, like being taken into the shower the mornings after.
Click to expand...
That's the kind of thing that came back, at least at first, before the earlier, really brutal stuff started surfacing.
We were in couples' therapy already, and she brought it up to the T. Now I have my own appointments to keep.
Click to expand...
This has changed. I have a T at the rape/crisis center whom I see now, though my wife and I continue the couple's counseling. 'Cause we still need it. We're going to make it because we won't stop trying.
I'm still in denial, or out of touch with my feelings, or something. I have a lot of trouble sleeping, but rarely remember any dreams. I've had a couple experiences that I think might be flashbacks (Once I thought I saw my abuser enter the baseroom room where I was writing), but I'm not sure about that. It's like I know where I actually am, but I feel *exactly* like I'm somewhere else.
Click to expand...
Guilty as charged. Although I do remember some dreams now, so I guess that is some kind of improvement. Both the psychologist and my T have talked about me being "out of touch with my feelings" so that's not gone away yet.
I get itchy a lot when I think of this stuff. I just noticed now cause I'm so itchy writing this now.
Click to expand...
Not like I used to. I have written and talked a lot about this stuff since then, so maybe it was "just itching to get out" before! :) (That was my obligatory bad joke. You can relax now.)
I had a real weird experience last weekend. I was reading something online (not here, but Usenet) and all of a sudden I had many intense memories running through my head *simultaneously* if you know what I mean. I had fainting spells when I was a kid, and have had a couple incidents in my adulthood. When I'm coming to, there's a weird disorientation, and my sight and hearing come back slowly. I had that feeling, even though I did not lose conciousness (or at least I didn't fall on any of my piles of stuff ) when I was reading. About 15 years ago I had a series of brain scans, EEGs, and other tests looking for epilepsy, but there were never any "abnormal" results. I've started to wonder if the fainting was/is related to my history.
Click to expand...
This is something that continues, the "coming to" sensation. But now I do know that it is related to my history. And I have had a couple more of the "flash floods" as Victor called them, too.
I read stuff you guys write, and I feel something powerful, but I don't know what. Sometimes my eyes get wet; sometimes I feel like I'm going to start crying and not be able to stop; sometimes I shiver or shudder. But the tears don't flow, the crying doesn't start. I've read all the books I could get my hands on, lurked on line for months here and elsewhere. I understand that there will have to be some emotional release (doesn't that sound nice and neat written that way?), but I don't know how or when it's going to come. I almost wish I would have a nightmare or a crying jag even though I'm sure I'd wish to escape either one if it really happened.
Click to expand...
"Emotional release," damn, that does sound nice and neat. It continues to elude me. I shed a couple tears at the "Blowin' in the Wind" session at last September's conference. I have had something like "dry crying" where my body spasms and my stomach heaves, but no tears flow. I did manage a couple tears when I accidentally used a cloth that had ammonia on it with a bleach solution while cleaning, but that doesn't count, does it? (Sorry about the extraneous bad joke.)
I don't know why I'm writing now. I guess I'm tired of keeping so much stuff inside.
Click to expand...
I was. Sometimes, I still am very tired. I don't think I'm the only one. Recovery itself is so unfamiliar, living like a human being, that dealing with all of it is very tiring at times.
I'm going to force my self to post this now.
Click to expand...
And I did. Sometimes I still have to force myself to post when I really need to get something out. After all, it's so insignificant, why should I bother people with it? But I'm learning to beware that trap.
Maybe someday I'll write something lucid.
Click to expand...
That wasn't a promise, so you can't hold me to it.

I'm glad you folks were here last year. I'm glad you're here now. You have been a big part of one of my life's biggest changes. Thank you all for that.
 
Outis
you're ALWAYS lucid, and I have to say also that you're a different man to the one you were a year ago.

You probably can't see it as easily as 'we' can, but there's a very different tone to your first and last post here, there's a positive feeling there now.
And hey ? you've done a lot of work and put a lot of commitment into you and your marriage - did anyone ever say it was quick and easy ? So don't sweat it too much, it's going to happen, because you'll MAKE it happen.

Dave
 
Hey,

I don't know you and I am new here, but I would like to send some positive energy/thoughts your way.

I hope that you continue down the road to feeling better.
 
Dear Outis,

I see lots of changes and lots of progress in just one of year of coming to MaleSurvivor.

It always astonishes me how quickly the forces of healing and recovery begin to work their magic on us. And you are no exception.

The changes you probably can't see and maybe never will see, are the changes you help bring to other men by coming here and posting your thoughts and your feelings.

I for one am greatly inspired and assisted by your faithful and very loving commitment to recovery from sexual abuse.

You have helped me so much, in so many ways.

Congratulations on the 1,000 posts. I'm so glad that you came here.

Your buddy,
 
Thanks again, guys.

I do think I am better off than I was a year ago. Some of the questions that I had back then are answered. Some of the path before me is visble. Some of it has even been marked by the guys who went before me. When I come here I can learn about things that worked or didn't work so well for you. I get insights from the posts in F&F. I get to say what I need to say.

It's good to know I have a voice.
 
Otis - read your post and it's touched something ..I don't know what yet..maybe I'm wondering where I'll be after 1 year?

Thanks for the update...it's loosened some more of those happy tears...Rik
 
I wonder too, where I will be after a full year of dealing with all this. I think it was a good idea you had, to update your first original post as a tribute to yourself. You've earned such a tribute. I am very grateful this place was here a year ago also, and also in June, when first I came here. I am very grateful that I have met you. You are a strong, good man, and you have come far with your healing and learning about yourself. I wish you nothing but good luck in your future my friend.

Leosha
 
So I'm back once again, this time for post #2000. When I made #1000, it seemed a lot. Nowadays, 2000 will barely qualify me as a pup! ;) But I've been through an extended time of less involvment, first while I tried to keep my marriage together, then while I went through the divorce. Now I'm just busy all the time with the kids and their schools and so on.

It's more than four years since I started lurking here in the summer of 2002. I'm a lot more relaxed now. I do remember more. I don't trigger as easily, and I am aware that I'm triggered sometimes. (How would I know if I'm always aware?)

More people know that I survived abuse than I can count, or probably even name. I've told people when I've tried to help my kids cope with their mother leaving. I told some people at church who mentioned that the kids could become targets for perps when they're with their mother. I haven't told anyone at work, but I probably would if I felt I could dispel some ignorance.

I got back here in time to see Lloyd's "farewell" post. I'm recognize some of the same feelings in myself. I'm not "cured." I'll never be who I might have been, but no one is, CSA or not. I am someone I like, at least sometimes, and that is the kind of victory I never imagined when I first started to look for a place like this.

I'm getting to know all the parts of me now. That will be a lifelong process. I'm not afraid of it anymore. It is scary, but I don't live in fear. From time to time I do live in stupid, but even that I hope to conquer. :D I'm finding a way to tell myself the story of my life so that it's a good story of a good person.

I guess life is pretty good, and hope is even better.

Thanks. I don't want to think about where I'd be if I hadn't found this place. You people, survivors and pro-survivors, are the greatest.

Joe
 
Joe,

Congrats on your 2000th post. Glad you are here.

I know first hand about parts of ourselves and the timeframe involved in that process, but we keep at it.

Take Care my friend.
 
Healing,

Thanks, man. You've been a help to me. It's the chance to speak and feel heard that makes this place so important in my recovery.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hi Joe :) ,

Good to see you back

yep - this is definately a lifelong process - it is always good to have older members here to be able to tell us that it does get easier as time goes on - that life does get better

Take good care of yourself,

TJ jeff
 
Hey, TJ, it's good to be back. In a lot of ways I feel like I am getting back. Getting my life back. That's a gift that I don't want to overlook any more.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hey Joe, as Hendrix once sang, it's good to see you back and doing ok.

It is a lifetimes work, but every scrap of effort is worth it.

Dave
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top