Hi Redrock. I cannot even imagine what you have been through.
I am also still struggling with what my mom did to me, and since I am way younger (I'm 29 now), it is difficult for me to realize the ammount of hurtful experiences you must have accumulated.
I believe that it is never too late to change our most basic concepts about yourselves and life. I HAVE to believe that. One good friend of mine once told me that "people only change if they can find a really good reason to do it".
Do you have any female friends? I guess that building "softer" relationships with women can be a good way of making our brains believe that not all women are bad and wanting to hurt/manipulate/take advantage of/ us. This is also an issue that I am working with. Also, I know that this is way much easier to say than it is to do, but this is why we have each other on this forum.
Also, in my experience, I had to learn to take my time and not being too harsh with myself. The stuff we have been through are somewhat inconceivable, complex and almost impossible to digest. So, it is comprehensible for us to feel angry, it's ok to freak out. I assume it is just the way that our brains have to deal with all of this and keep the sanity.
It sounds like you forgave what your mom's bf did in some way, but can't do the same with her. How did you do it to him? Maybe the paths are similar. Most probably they are not the same, but the self questioning about all the facts in retrospect can help the process.
I hope I could help. Stay strong brother.
Peace.
