how to tell if he is a survivor

[aleja]

I recently came out that my boyfriend's sister has been abused by her their father when she was 9 or so. She tried to suicide and everything exploded. The parents are on the denyal attitude, but pretend they are helping her. She's goignt to therapy.

My boyfriend tried to deny it but now is sure that happened to her.
I'd like to know if he had also been sexually abused by either one of the parents or both.
The fact is that he has early ejaculation. And also told me he had sex with animals a few times when teenager.
The whole sex thing has always been a tabu in his family, and they are the type of people that want you to believe everything is perfect and everybody is happy.

I want to help/support him not only with his sister's problem but also to find out things about himself he may have fogotten. I do not if there is a chance that he was abused or witnesssed or anything and he may be repressing it. I do feel there is a relationeship about his own problems with all this happening in the past.

How can I know? What can I do?

Thanks to everybody for the stretgh.

 

[reality2k4]

aleja,

your boyfriends' sister was abused at 9yrs, has probably gone through an immensely traumatizing experience, it will be very hard for her to ever come to terms with it, especially if it done, by her father, who is there to protect.

She tries to commit suicide, this is the ultimate thing a child will go through to get rid of the mental and physical pain, she has endured. Parents pretending to help her, from what? If they were part of the abuse, then how can they protect her?

Denial, is the mother denying it to protect the father? What type of mother does that? But sadly it all too often happens. Is the father denying he did it? Probably.

The family would not want the outside world to know it was happening, so the life long denial process begins, fracturing the family, so often seen in this forum.

From what you say, it sounds like your boyfriend has either witnessed, or known it was going on, he too may have been a victim. Whatever has gone on, you can be sure from the things he has told you that he does, that he has been deeply affected.

He has made a start, by telling you things he has done in the past, he may tell you more, as time goes on, but don't push him, and just be there for him, but my guess is, that he has been either a part of it, or witnessed something really bad.

He may have feelings of extreme guilt, if he witnessed it, a bit like the macho thing, when a kid thinks, but hey, I should have done something to stop it, but, how do you stop parents from doing these things? If he himself was abused, he will probably be thinking, I have no power to stop this happening.

He has probably gone through so much emotionally, but the denial thing can be equally destructive, especially later on in years, when it can turn to anger and rejection of family members.

I welcome you the forum, and thank you for being there for him, take care of yourself also in this forum, as there is a lot of honest feeling, and it can hurt you. It hurts me, and I have been through it, but don't know how it can affect anyone on the outside looking in.

take care of yourself

ste

 

[Lloydy]

Aleja
What a mess eh ?

If you know for sure that his sister was abused, and the father admits to it, then it has to be said that there's a chance your husband has also been abused.

Sexual abuse has as much to do with abusing poers as it does with sex, maybe even more.
Abusers often target both female and male children.

The denial of the parents is also something that's not uncommon, even to the extent of the wife standing by the husband in the face of overwhelming evidence.
Maybe it's best to not expect any support, understanding or anything at all from them.
Move on and concentrate on the people you love, they are the ones who need you now.

Male Survivors often take a long time to disclose, and we also seem to react against being pushed into disclosing our pasts, and getting help.
It's something we have to ourselves.
But please don't back away completely, just be very cautious. Make sure he knows that you will be there for him should he have something to tell you.

It's not an easy situation, and it wont go away quickly either.
So take care of yourself, make sure that you don't make yourself bad by taking too much on. What we need is support, and love.

Dave

 

[lee75]

aleja,
your post could of described me to a t.
my sis was abused by my dad and i too had sex with animals. i dont remember being abused, but.....

everything that you can say generally happnes to survivors has happned to me. i act out in the same way, i was sexualized very early on, i have had problems with drugs and alcohol very early on, self destructive behavior, cause myself to fail, and i think the worst part is, im smart enough to see the problems i cause myself, but i dont do anything about it. ......

you can pm me if you have ?'s
its not as hard to talk about on the web.
and im sure i should.


i still dont remember anything specific and i will not let my sis tell me anything.
i cant handle it right now.