How to Stop Acting Out??? Trigger Warning

[wreckage]

I don't get why I can't stop acting out. I have been programmed it seems. Brain neuron pathways as suggested are in place. How to redirect. I spent years acting out trauma/sexually and the masochistic tendencies have not ceased. I saw a dom (female)and was penetrated anally for years.
Now I crave it and watch it.
If I can live it I would be fine (with a partner). Please offer advice for this - how to begin to stop /disrupt the pathways in my brain that lead me to acting out. I dissociate/disconnect from real life.
Also, secrecy and depersonalization happens

 

[Sterling]

Hey wreckage , hope you are feeling a little better...
may I ask do you have a therapist ?
This may be annoying; but when I started to stop drinking
I would let myself feel as I was craving the alcohol before
buying it.
I guess porn may be more difficult, especially when we are
trying to reach out...
Are there any groups you can join?
Sorry if this isn't helpful.
I picture / visualing...such as buying groceries ...
very triggering.
Sorry this sounds shitty.
So I wish you have a great weekend!
TAke care.
James

 

[wreckage]

Yes, I do have a therapist.

 

[Sterling]

therapy is hard.
this shit is hard.
I act out.
I am not proud of it.
so... please don't be too hard.
or don't be hard at all on yourself.
I will shut up now.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Wreckage,

My therapist gave me a mindfulness meditation exercise, to help with the dissociation disconnection, and detachment you mentioned. The purpose of it is to help our brains stay grounded in the present moment. I just started with it and it does seem to help.

I used to think this was all ridiculous New Age-y nonsense and never paid attention before. But it is apparently grounded in neuroscience and has been proven to work.

My meditation is in the form of a prayer, but there are many ways to do it. There is alot of info out there on mindfulness meditation, and You Tube videos that will guide you through an a meditation. It's worth a look. A meditation should ideally should be between 12 - 20 minutes, so it is not too burdensome time-wise.

Outside of that, support groups helped me for awhile. I am not in one now, but there is something healing in being able to share your stories with people who can relate and are there to also find help. A good one will also do some teaching. If there are any in your area, even an SSA group, that also might be worth considering. I don't always like being with people very much, but the paradox is, trying to tackle this by oneself in isolation never seems to work well. So best to use the variety of tools that are available.

 

[WG]

Well said, Chris - we all to one degree or another, deal with the disconnectedness and the easy detachment. We had to - it was a survival mechanism. The difficult part -at least for me - was not doing that when I was around others who were not harmful people - like extended family, co-workers, and just people in general. I've done some of that meditation life-integration with my therapist - and while it wasn't instantly effective, I began to notice over time that I was better, more connected, more stable in my day to day interactions. Not as angry any longer. No, it's not for everyone, and I,too, thought it was all this mumbo-jumbo enny-beenie chili-beenie mess - but it isn't when handled by a skilled therapist. I have 2 men in my life I talk with - and they know my past and the issues around it. Refreshing to be able to just be me around them and say out loud how I'm actually doing at that moment instead of the usual : "Oh, not too bad. Holding up. How about you?" However, I get it that not everyone is in that circle of connectedness - nor should everyone be. There's levels of closeness.
Guess all of this rambling mess is to say - keep at it. Don't give up, don't back down.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

That's a really good word and so well said, WG. I am particularly encouraged by your report of how the mindfulness has helped you over time. As I mentioned, I just started so do not yet have the experience with it that you have had.

Yes, as far as friendships go, you are right, it is healthy to be able to have relationships at differing levels of intimacy. I actually just lost ALL of my more "superficial" friends after I lost my job in October. So I have to start over.

But thankfully I have 2 men who I can talk to about just about anything. They are just clear across the country, but we do the phone and Skype thing. They don't know all my deep dark secrets - we talk about other stuff - but I wouldn't hesitate to trust them with all that if I felt it was approriate or needed.

I'm so glad that you have those friendships. That is so valuable. To be able to be yourself is so important. The more healing that goes on in my own life, the more I recognize how most of us spend so much energy hiding behind false identity structures to avoid rejection and more pain. That is so unhealthy and takes a big toll on your emotions after awhile.

I tend to be a "what you see is what you get" kind of guy, but I have had my share of masks too. Facing the world in a vulnerable state is not for the faint of heart though, it will hurt at times. But I'd rather get hurt than keep pretending. Pretending means no one ever really knows you, which is worse.

 

[wreckage]

The me nobody knows...hmmm...interesting concept-and familiar. I have been trying to bridge the gap between my pre-molest person to the person now. It has been taunting with lots of fits and starts and one step forward two steps back moments.

Sometimes I wonder, how cool would I be (or who would I be) if this shit never happened and I had an upbringing that was not chock full of fear and pain (literal and emotional).

However, I try to stay in the now. This business that has been mentioned about mindfulness...is something to look into.

 

[dac]

Wreckage, what you said about the gap between the pre-molest person and the person you are now kind of hit me somehow. The thing is I was molested before I was formed as a person, when I was a baby/toddler, and then for years following. There is kind of no gap, or I don't know what I was before I became the thing I am. It is like I just have to take the raw material of my being as it is and try to reformulate it somehow into the being I want to become, if that is even possible. I also often wonder what would have been, what I would have become, if only... but I try not to think that way.

 

[Can_I_Do_This]

how cool would I be (or who would I be) if this shit never happened

I understand asking the question but, really, it's like me wondering what my life would be like if I were 6'10" and played pro basketball.

This is what we have to work with -- us, our lives, our feelings and motivations. It's up to us to discard, layer by layer, all these barriers and obstacles we've created to protect ourselves from our abusers, so that we can become the truly "cool" or just genuine men we are down inside.

It all takes time but look at us -- we're here. We're aware of this crap and we're DOING something about it. We've got an advantage over a whole lot of men out there because this is the opportunity we've been given to grow and become the men we all want to be. At the end of all this we're going to be so much wiser, calmer and grounded about our lives in general.

And there is nothing cooler than that! Take it one day at a time; today, we're here getting help from one another. That's a big fucking step right there and a tangible thing to say, "I am taking proactive steps to get my mind around this bullshit I was forced into as a helpless kid." We're at least DOING something.

Don't sell yourself short, guys. Just being here indicates a depth of understanding most people lack.

I'm proud of you all, good job.

 

[wreckage]

Yes! renewal ids the word that comes to mind. It's like a plant that getting more sun and water that it lacked. Let it go is the phrase that comes to mind. Looking forward rather than back.

Sometimes it so intense- all of the new reactions to old circumstances that happen every day. It's almost as if I am experiencing them for the first time.
Oh, that's why I used to act like that when ...happened. , is what I have been saying lately.