How to move forward?

How to move forward?
Dan99

Dan99

Registrant
Like a lot of guys here, I've had my eyes opened about how many choices I've made in life have been influenced by being abused. And it's been eyeopening.

But it's created for me what I call this parallel life. I always see these influences and construct in my head the "what if" scenario. If not for abuse, what would I have done in this or that situation? And its easy to see how my life would have been different (some good and some bad).

Which is fine. I suppose it's good to know. But I really want to get past that. In ten years time (if I make it that long), I don't want to be looking back at decisions I made today and think, well, that was a bad decision that I only made because I was abused.

It's like I know the negatives. I can accept that I have to live with the choices that are irreversable. But I want to find the real me and make good decisions for his life so that the choices I make today aren't laying the groundwork for future regrets.

Anyone have any techniques that help them in this regard? Books? Suggestions?
 
A good inventory of your life, your reactions, your choices is a great start.

Check out the AA 4th step. Similar end result there. What do you like and not like. What to work on. What direction to go.

Knowing what you want is first.

It has been like peeling an onion, growing up if you will. Evolution of the misdirected child to self aware and actuated adult.
 
Dan99

I am glad you are focusing on the future. I learned, and it was not an easy lesson, that I needed to accept the abuse and not let it control me.

It took people telling me over and over it was not my fault. And I finally began to believe it. When I begin to feel overwhelmed by the past I do this visual image that someone shared with me at a support group. I see myself sitting on a the seat of a large toilet bowl waving good bye as the abuser is twirling in the flushing water. I get him out of my mind and I realize the past is the past and I can change what or may have happened. All I have is the future and the bas***d and what he did have been flushed away. I do not know why this works but I end up with a smile on my face and realize it is my life now and not his.

Keep taking stock of yourself, accept the abuse, accept it was not your fault and you cannot change the past nor should the past control you.

I do not know if this helps but I want you to feel you are living in the present and the past is not what controls you.

Kevin
 
Self awareness is huge on the one day at a time journey. We cannot change what we do not acknowledge.
 
Hi Dan,

great post. I can relate and moving forward takes a lot of what you are doing now - being self aware. For me I had to look at how i was thinking and take one negative thinking habit at a time and reprogram it. As to the What If question. my solution was to change that to "What Now?". I changed the negative habit by replacing it with a positive one. Easier said than done. However, once i had trained myself to constantly beware of my thinking and in particular my negative thinking habits, it was much easier to use. I talk about this a lot in my blog. it takes practice but it became a valuable tool in my recovery.

stay strong.
 
Dan99 said:
.....I don't want to be looking back at decisions I made today and think, well, that was a bad decision that I only made because I was abused.......I want to find the real me and make good decisions for his life so that the choices I make today aren't laying the groundwork for future regrets.
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Hey Dan,

I think the choices we make, both good and bad, are always influenced by our past experiences, both good and bad. There's probably no getting around that, or the potential for regrets.

The "real me" includes being a man who was sexually abused as a boy. That has been, and will continue to be an influence in my life. But it no longer has to be THE influence. The "real me" is also a husband, lover, father, student, teacher, nurse, friend, musician, and comedian (not professionally). The CSA experience alone does not define me.

AS someone else in this thread noted, the 12 step concept of taking a personal inventory on a regular basis, honestly and thoroughly, can help keep those various influences in perspective, and help us make better choices each day. Ones we are less likely to regret later in life. Yeah its work, and I sometimes find it exhausting, but I've tried the alternatives and learned that there's no easy way out.

Be well,

Jude
 
Thanks for the feedback guys. I love having this place where I can raise an issue like this and, bam, there's a whole group of guys who know just what I'm getting at.

Some great ideas here for me to try and some real insights as usuall. Many thanks.
 
Dan99
Thank you for posting your question, explaining your situation, and asking for help. I know that you are seeking answers for your own life, but in addition, you are helping so many other guys who are seeking an answer to the same question, but either can't or haven't been able to post that question. I know that this question has been on my mind a lot lately - how many of my thoughts and decisions have been influenced by my abuse. When I think about it, it's overwhelming.

I just want to thank you. You've helped yourself, but you've also helped so many others. You've raised us up and helped make things a little better. I wish you good luck in your healing and in your life.

Dave
 
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