How to live with it...

How to live with it...
R

RedPepper

New Registrant
I was abused by my older sister. She was 15 and I was 9. I wasn't able to find any information to situations similar to mine online. From what I've seen on this board I doubt I will find a better source. The hardest thing that I am dealing with is trying to identify myself as a victim. My memories of the event(s)(Im not even sure if it happened more than once) are fuzzy to say the least. The only clear memory I have is saying that I had to pee and she responded "Pee inside me". Remembering that and considering my ignorance of sex at the time I am sure that I was the victim. I also remember bragging to my friends at school about it and being proud to be the first one in my grade to be "Macho". That has brought me more shame then I could possibly describe. It also makes me feel like the perp which just brings guilt and depression.

I am now 20 and I have made a semi-consious effort to stay clear of all sex. I have not chosen to be a virgin but I have chosen to stay clear of any situation that could lead me to hurt someone. I also have trouble making myself vulnerable enough to even go out on a date, let alone my self esteem issues. I live with a married couple my age so of course that leads to jelous moments. I never am jelous and hateful but I use the jelousy to fuel my depression. I imagine that I would have been a depressed person without the abuse but I want to know how much it is affecting me now. I guess I want the answers that no one has right? Sorry for my grammar and spelling... its been a long night.
 
RedPepper, I's so glad you have found this site, and I believe you are right - this is the best source of help and understanding you can get on male victims of childhood sexual abuse (sadly that's you).

The best thing you can do is to read as many posts as you can. As you read you will see that many guys here have or have had the same thoughts, fears, shame and anything else you can think of.

I can say that you are not alone and that what happended to you was wrong and that would all be true. But the most powerful thing will be for you to see that and read that for yourself.

Be assured that you will be understood and accepted. You were and are not dirty or sick or anything like that because of what happended to you.

Welcome to us and I look forward to getting to know you.
 
RedPepper - Welcome to the site and I know you are not the only one who was abused in that way. There was a reason you were the first in your grade to "have scored" because all the other guys are not close to becoming sexual...you were the first in your class to be sexually abused. The age of consent for sex - whether you believe you agreed to it or not - is 12 years old. At most you co-operated but that again is not consent. Changes happened to you at that age - important characteristics stolen from you by your sister and some really crappy characteristics given to you by her as well. As you read what others have experienced and identify your own, these characteristic exchanges should be clarified for you. You are not alone - we've all experienced childhood sexual abuse and its resulting symptoms!

Howard
 
RedPepper,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you, and absolutely, there is a lot to think about and deal with here.

I think it would be difficult for any boy to avoid feeling shamed by what happened. You did not initiate anything and as Ken points out, even if you cooperated that is not consent. "Consent" means, among other things, that you understand what you are agreeing to and its consequences. A boy nine years old is NOT able to give his consent to sex with anyone yet, and you probably saw it as some kind of naughty adventure.

This was not your fault, not the acts themselves, and not the bragging in school either. Please don't judge yourself at age 9 from the perspective of the values you have now at age 20.

I know you mention a number of other issues, but accepting that you were not to blame will help with so many other problems. Talking about these issues here helps us all to understand ourselves and each other. I'm glad you are able to join us.

Take care,
Larry
 
Hi RedPepper,

Glad you found us. Sorry for the hurt and frustration that brought you here, but welcome.

I hope you can find this place to be a place where you can gain more understanding of the issues you face, and also that you are not alone. We are all here for the same reason as you. The only thing different is the details of the story.

You said in your post
"I have chosen to stay clear of any situation that could lead me to hurt someone."
Click to expand...
The fact that you don't want to cause anyone else to suffer emotional pain speaks highly of the loving and caring kind of person you are.


Hang around with us and we'll help each other to find a better place one small step at a time.

Courage,

John
 
My sister abused me. I cannot remember the exact dates, but it was when she was around 15-16 and I was 9-11.

You and I share a unique circumstance, and I am glad you have found your way here. BEst of luck, and you WIll find your way through.

You have had the worst luck , to have been dealt this hand of life, but you are very lucky to have recognized what has happened to you so soon in life. I wish you the best.

PEace,
JAmes
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top