How to learn to make love?

How to learn to make love?
T

tu

New Registrant
Hi, I have been reading your posts for a while and I finally decided to post here. I was abused by my father from 6 years old till I left home when I was 16, did some disgusting stuff. Im almost 36 years old and I never had a relationship till now when I met my girlfriend. Shes beautiful and very nice and I believe she loves me. She doesnt know anything, I dont want her to be disgusted and leave me. Anyway, my question is really dumb and I know its very embarrassing but I never had sex after my father and I want to have it with her but I dont know how. We've been "dating" for almost a year but we never had any intimacy, just kisses and hugs but I want more. Is there any book that teaches people like me how to make love? I dont want to ask her, I should know it by now, Im not a teenager anymore. I want to make it right, I dont want to scare her, and I love her. Thanks.
 
Hi Tu,

Welcome to the site, glad you felt able to post.

Its totally understandable that you have avoided sex; its a normal reaction to abuse. I was late to the dating game too. I have never told the first woman I had sex with that it was my first time though she is still a friend. We had been dating for a while and I have to say that it was alcohol that got me over that hurdle. Not recommended or ideal.

There are resources out there to help you to deal with this and the other issues caused by the abuse. For me there has been no short cut, I go to therapy, come here and have read some books and things have improved but I have a way to go yet. The therapy has been the most helpful for me and I would recommend that anyone with our history consider getting some professional help.

This site is a great resource for learning and feeling less alone with this stuff. Sorry I dont know about any book that deals with what you ask specifically, there are some very good books in the amazon link of the site that you might want to look at.


Rustam.
 
Hi - Most people appreaciate the truth and it is a great way to built intimacy. SA is a subject that has to be addressed carefully though.

Also, it is my understanding that physical contact may have effects that bring back unexpected feelings, recollections and flashbacks - leading to behavior that was not unticipated. So awareness can be very important.

And, contrary to popular myths being with a guy who has not been around the block ad infinitum, is actually quite endearing.

Otherwise, I echo Rustam's comments.

Best wishes and take care.
 
I should not have posted here since I am female. I thought I was in the F&F Forum. I do not know how to delete a post. You may wish to do so. Thank you.
 
Hi, Tu, and welcome here. I know it takes a lot to make that first post, and I'm glad you did. as to your question, I think Rustam's on the right track. There are many self-help books on sexual intimacy, and pretty much all the ones I've seen will cover the basics as well as some of the more, shall was say "advanced features". I've been married 16 years now, and have bought a few books on better sexual intimacy in marriage, and I must say that they were eye-openers for me. Some of that stuff, I had no idea about. So don't feel embarrassed about getting a book or two, they really can help.
 
Originally posted by Dan88:
Check out "The Joy of Sex." I think it's probably still in bookstores or at amazon.
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That's what I was going to post as well. The other thing is to keep FIRMLY in mind that making love to a woman you love is the complete polar opposite of abuse. It is a beutiful emotional experience. Yes it can trigger, but it can also heal. A book can help with the mechanics, but you don't want to be a robot - prepare yourself emotionally either in therapy (safe) or on your own (risky).
 
Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage, Third Edition by Ed Wheat, Gaye Wheat (Hardcover)

I hope the Christian part doesn't bother you. This book has been revelatory for me. Very direct, simple, open, and refreshing. Written by a physician who was a family practice doctor (if memory serves correct) and slowly moved into the specialty of helping husbands and wives with sexual issues. Basically, he had one man open up to him about some sexual concerns and it all began at that one point. Very good book for me.

Warning: don't read it if you don't have some legitimate means to release yourself, if you know what I mean.

Rob
 
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