How to help my husband love our unborn child?

[pawife]

I have not known for long about the abuse my husband had suffered. I myself am a survivor and he has know thing since early in our marriage. We have been married for 11 1/2 years. Last August we had a beautiful baby girl. He loves her to pieces. We found out in December that we were expecting again. Today we found out its a boy. My husband really did not want a son. He won't really talk to me about the reasons y but I can guess. He told me he feels nothing for the baby that I am growing. I don't know what to do or say that could help comfort him. I would do just about anything to help my husband. Truth is with this pregnancy so close to the other it's hard for me to feel much of anything with all the stress. Help. Please.

 

[susie]

Congratulations for expecting again. We have had a girl, too, then a boy. It was just the same with my husband. He absolutely adores our daughter, but reacted quiet bad when I told him I was expecting a boy. He didn't disclose to me at that time though. But I always assumed he was abused for various reasons. Is your husband in therapy? My babyboy is 1 year now and the relationship between them is getting better. He was very reluctant about having him at first but he now plays with him, cuddles him sometimes (not as often as my daughter though) and changes him. It's not the same as with our daughter though.
He (my husband) got a lot worse since having the boy in terms of stuff coming up about his own childhood. It's even worse than it was with our firstborn, most probably because he is a boy I think and he sees himself in him.

 

[pawife]

He is in therapy. And I know it is helping him. It's hard though because he has only recently started his road to recovery. My husband is saying things like leaving me with the kids and supporting us because he just can't deal. I think that he will be better with time. I myself had real issues when I had my first daughter. I was abused as a child. I couldn't make myself want her. I left her with my parents as much as I could. It wasn't until I married my husband that I realized my relationship with her could be different. It's so hard. We haven't told any family yet including my 13 year old. It's hard when there is no one to talk to and I don't see my therapist until Thursday. I just feel lost.

 

[susie]

I feel for you, I kind of understand what you are going through and it is not fair. My husband moved out not long ago. At first he admitted he had problems he needs to deal with. No he goes through a bad phase giving me abuse, blaming me and is, again, reluctant to continue therapy.
It is important that you find therapy, too, to offload all the crap he is giving you. Or find a group in addition to this webpage (it's not the same as seeing people but every little helps). Or both. Don't be shy to ask for help, your second baby is on the way- you and your children will need it!

 

[pawife]

Thank you for this. He was so much better today. I think the real issue here is his fear of failing as a father. His little girl has him wrapped around his finger and I think he might be scared of giving up his time with her to spend with him. He sees it as all or nothing. Obviously he doesn't deal with change very well. Again thank you!