how to give space

how to give space
W

wantstohelp

Registrant
Ok, this is going to sound like a strange situation. But I am trying to give my ex space, since he has asked for it. The problem is that we have so many friends in common, and tomorrow we are going to end up at the same halloween event. It's a big event, at a bar, but I'm sure at some point I will run into him.
Now, this seems really trivial, but I haven't seen him in almost 2 months, and I don't know how I am supposed to act! I know I'm supposed to be giving him space, so if I see him.. should I just let him be? Or will he think I'm being malicious and ignoring him? Should I go over and say hi, how are you? Or will he perceive that as crowding and not respecting his wishes? I feel like everything I do in this situation is wrong, and I'm trying so hard to do the right thing, but it's confusign sometimes, and I don't know what's right because he doesn't tell me. I just don't want to do the wrong thing and set him off again.
Does anyone know what the best thing to do is when you run into a survivor that you care for very much that is wanting space?
Thanks.
 
Just be courteous, from across the room if possible. A polite wave and a warm smile. That puts him in the driver's seat. If he wants to chat, he will. If he doesn't pursue it, best to leave well enough alone.

Or you could wear a really good costume, one that he wouldn't be able to recognize you in and meander about unnoticed. Good luck. Try to have fun. - John
 
Be yourself. Enjoy your friends at the party and as Sinking says, be courtious and acknowlege him if you make eye contact. If you come in close contact and find yourselves in conversation, make it about the weather, or something else, but nothing intense; keep it light and keep it short. You have a history, that can't be denied, so ignorning him or running away if he comes close would be noticed by everyone and only hurtful to both you.

You'll both be with friends so there's no need not to enjoy.

Be well.......Trish
 
I too agree with John (Sinking).

At the very least, should you two both bump into each other, just ask him what wants (space or companionship) and abide by his choice as best as you can. Trish also makes a good point that there will be lots of friends there so go party! :)

Remember you need to be true to yourself too.

MR
 
WantstoHelp,

It is so considerate of you to be thinking of him like this when he is your ex. A lot of times, of course, things don't end with this caring result.

But my thought here is that while it is very kind that you want to give him the space he needs, that doesn't mean that your own life and your own need to relate to your friends and have fun should be overruled by his need for space. As you have common friends, if he comes to the party he will know that that chances are good that you will be there. I.e. if he comes he has decided that his interest in this social event is greater than his need for his space. A party isn't exactly a great occasion to claim space anyway, I think.

If you behave in any special way, yes, you will be open to blame one way or another. So I would just treat him as any other friend at the party. If he is feeling cornered or threatened, you will see the signs and can back off. But absolutely, go to the party and have fun.

It's a good idea to bear in mind that both of you have been hurt. You have as much right to your recovery as he does.

Take care,
Larry
 
As a partner struggling with guilt and inadequacy in being there for their loved one, I just love Larry's replies.

LOL

T
 
What a relief to read your message ! I have been in that situation so many times ! I have experienced all sorts of situations with bf among a group of friends and I was so confused and in pain weven when I decided not to attend the parties. When I was going, I tried everything from not talking and avoiding sitting next to him to totally acting as if we were "just" friends. In all cases, whatever I did I was in sheer pain and sad. I could not enjoy fully the company of friends, there all the pretending and the looks across the table with bf and me.It was worse when he made attempts to be casual and all our friends knew more or less what was going on. I can't say which situation was worse: not seeing him or seeing him, pretending to be ok when my heart was crying.
It has been 10 months without news from him and the sadness isn't going away. I still haven't found the answer to the issue you are evoking and I still can't forget him. My love has deepened instead was going away. I have made tremendous efforts towards my own recovery and doing my own stuff but I still love him.
But I have learnt to respect myself, heal my co dependency and not wait for him in most areas of my life.
I hope it went ok for you whatever you have decided in the end.
Warmest regards
Caro
 
First Caetel...xo to you, you have been down a long road my friend and we have walked side by side for what seems a long time now. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes I think God shows us first we have to lean on ourselves before we can be able to help others. I have been forced to grow so much thru my husband dealing with his own issues. I am stronger for having my own insecurites and issues surface thru his.

As for this thread, I think one of the most profound and tramatic things that has impacted me as a person is the whole trying to figure out how to act. As insane as it sounds, I have almost lost me trying how to wind my way thru what feels like a mine field. I have lost who I was and how having fun and being emotional and having my own needs is okay.
Ultimately when seeing his T, I was told that a lot of people (partner) become reactive in their living because of the constant upheaval in unexpected behavior from their survivor. That is EXACTALY what happened to me. Terrified to trigger him, unsure of what was happening...unsure of him and then becoming unsure of me.
Yet, I was the rock. At this point and time...no matter my issues...I am the rock. My focus has had to shift dramatically and anchor us in this storm. While he is dealing with all these issues I was changing too and instead of staying strong tied to what was correct and natural behavior....I was becoming a reactive partner filled with anxiety and paranoia.
I was helping him create a NEW pattern of destruction.

That had to stop. It is getting better. I still am kind of lost in the forrest for the trees. But, I am tethering us back down and it is giving him the stability to move forward.
Dont second guess what is right. Hold fast, because someone who is on such a roller coaster can actually make you believe and start thinking the way they do......
Out of love, hold on to what you know can ultimately become....dont live terrified of WHAT IS.
 
Hello everyone, I haven't been here for months. Shortly after this post, I had a big blowout with my ex, and we haven't talked in 4 months. So I hadn't read these last 2 replies until just now.

Caetel, I literally am in awe of what you said. I feel the exact same way. I read another post you left to try to figure out your story (I have to admit, I couldn't find that), which said that you started to love your survivor more after hearing about the abuse. That's what it was like for me too. And it's also been true that even though he hasn't talked to me for 4 months, my love doesn't fade at all. It doesn't feel like it ever will. I am so happy to hear that you are making progress towards your own recovery. I am trying too, and I hope someday I am able to articulate what I feel about this situation as clearly as you have just in this thread.

beautifuldisaster, you are completely right. I didn't realize what a reactionary cycle I had gotten myself into until I stepped back from it, and was horrified by the ways I compromised myself to walk on eggshells around him. I absolutely did live terrified, and am trying to gain back some of that hope for what can be. Thank you for the words. They are truly inspiration.

All my best,
J xo
 
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