How to find help??

How to find help??
D

Denise05

New Registrant
My husband was sexually abused around 8 years old by a teenage boy and then again by a female cousin. We dated for 3 years and have been married for 1 1/2 years. He struggles with his emotions, intimacy, guilt and stress. I feel like to only emotions he can express are anger and sadness. I love him very much and have been supportive but this has taken a toll on our marriage and I don't know what to do. I do not want to leave him but we keep having the same fights over and over with no resolution. We have tried 3 different counselors and all 3 haven't helped him at all. We found two through our insurance and then paid a lot of money out of our own pocket for the third. We feel so helpless and don't know where to find good help. He really wants to forgive himself and get past what happened to him but doesn't know how. He uses me as a crutch and it has taken everything out of me. How can we find a good councilor that has experience with sexual abuse victims??

Please Help,
Denise
 
Denise, I'm glad you have found this site and Im sorry to hear what your husband has gone through and is going through with you in your marriage at present.

You don't go into specifics on the problems that you are having and that's ok - you don't need to. I certainly think I understand many of the issues your husband is facing regarding intimacy, guilt, stress, and you didn't mention this one, but I suspect trust would also be a big issue for him. Speaking as a fellow male survivor I know what he's feeling and through my own marriage I see its effect on my wife and therefore I also see what your situation is like for you.

Basically, and I hope this is a relief to you. You are in the right place to be understood by others in your position and you'll also get great input from other guys in here.

What I would urge you to do right now is to tell your husband about this site (if you haven't already) and encourage him to sign up as well.

This forum you have posted in is the right one for you. For him, he would probably find it most beneficial to post in the Male Survivors.

Another thought on the both of you being involved in this site/community is that you need to be aware that as a survivor of childhood abuse, your husbands boundaries were violated and that affects trust. For him to get the most out of this site it might be a good idea that you agree to let him use the Male Survivors board and you use the Friends and Family. Better still, when he signs up, have him keep his "username" private so that if you do stumble across his posts you probably won't know it's him. Likewise, keep your username private as well. If he already knows yours, then perhaps sign up again as something different. This is your first post so people shouldn't get to lost or confused at your sudden 'disappearance'.

Denise, when hubby starts to learn more about his abuse and the way it has and still is affecting him, he'll begin to see how it's affecting his marriage as well. That will be a win-win for both of you.
 
Thank you for your kind words, advice, and quick response-- and yes, trust is a HUGE issue with him.

The weird thing is that his abuse affects both of us everyday but we have not truly addressed it as the gigantic problem it is. I have know idea what he is going through but just from reading this discussion board I understand more than I ever have. He knows his abuse affects him and wants to address it but doesn't know how. Are there counselors/psychologists who are specifically trained in this area? I wonder why the 3 that we saw didn't help us? We felt like 2 of them were out for our money--dragging insignificant issues out --letting us sit there and fight with each other for most of the session. We initially came together because my husband said he wanted me to be there. I suggested each time at the first session that he needed help with his sexual abuse and each one of them made it into marriage counseling instead of abuse counseling. We went each time explaining that he was abused and it was creating conflict in our marriage. It seemed like we never got anywhere. They werent addressing his abuse at all. Its so frustrating to want help, seek help but not be able to get it.

Are there questions we should ask when calling a counselor? Should we ask for there qualifications, training, experience? How do we find someone who knows what they are talking about? Those sound like stupid questions I guess but we are both clueless as to how to go about all of this. Did anyone else have this problem?

Frustrated,
Denise05
 
Denise,

Here is a link form this site that may help if you are in the US, Canada or Australia
https://www.malesurvivor.org/Resource%20Directory/index.htm There is also the guide to therapist shopping on this page.

I tried a few therapists until I found one that I could work with.

Good luck.
Peter
 
Denise,

I feel your frustration. And I can say, I certainly understand your husband, being a survivor myself. I have been married for many years and my wife and I are working through both of our abuses. She was physically, emotionally and verbally abused - mine was sexually (physically), emotionally and verbally abused.

Understanding that abuse victims have significant relational problems is very difficult to get through. I don't know how long you have had a relationship with him, but it will take much perserverence, love, understanding and good counseling. There is an area of finding a good therapist somewhere on this site.

Because of severe trust, boundaries being violated and emotional and sexual confusion, self worth, and a gammit of other issues - it takes it's toll on an individual.

One of the main reasons you're here I would guess is because you really need to get to a place of resolution. I would suggest not going to a marriage counselor but finding a therapist that will be able to get to the root of the problem - which is your husbands SA - This site has been very helpful for me and I am sure it will be very beneficial for him.

I wish you the best,
Rivers
 
Denise I don't know where you are based, i might be able to send you some names but I need to know in which country/state you are.
Mike Lew is giving great workshops for male survivors so it could be an acceptable start for your husband (meaning it means only a week end and not a whole therapy process).
I have a friend, a male survivor, who started his recovery very slow with a dynamic of sabotage of his work in therapy. It is only now after 5 years of struggle that I have a feeling he is really getting into the therapy. Before that with 4 therapists he was reenacted being abandoned. So you also have to consider the possibility that this is also what can be going on and not just having bad therapist. Remember, in therapy, the patient is doing 70% at least of the work !
Wishing you the best
Caro
 
Denise
it might be that you're both trying to deal with the whole problem rather than HIS problem - the abuse.

You're right in asking about therapists who specialize in CSA, that's what he most likely needs, and on his own as well. Although partners can be involved in some sessions most CSA therapists deal with the survivor.

I know that I said things in therapy that I would not say in front of my wife even now, and we are very open about my abuse and it's problems.

As Grunty said, trust is a major issue for so many of us, and although it might seem odd and a breach of trust to say things in therapy that we wouldn't say to our partners it actually isn't.
We LEARN to trust ourselves by doing this. By thinking out loud and having our ideas, fears and thoughts bounced back to us we eventually find the right words to tell our partners.

Ask around at local rape crisis centres, social services, doctors and psychologists to find a therapist who knows and understands CSA, even if they say that they only deal with female survivors the chances are they know someone somewhere who see's guys as well.

Good luck
Dave
 
Sorry Denise, I got side tracked and didn't address the other key question you had and that was about where do you go for professional help (other than this site).

In my teens I saw a counsellor and had they dug deeper they may have found issues stemming from my childhood sexual abuse. At the time they were still repressed memories but I now see that the symptoms were there.

Certainly you do need a trained professional who deals with this stuff, especially male abuse. I've read books by academic psychiatrists and psychologists that deal with sexual abuse but it was aimed at women. The few sentences that spoke about men and boys did nothing to help me.

Then I found this site and the lights went on. Ive bought a couple of the books from the list (you can get them from Amazon.com I did) and it spoke directly to male specific issues. Ive also now found a Therapist (a T) after a long search (being in Australia probably didnt help either).

Denise, I think hubby will need to see a T first and then later you may perhaps join him or maybe even see the same T yourself, but individually so that you can also understand how it affects you and what you can do for yourself and for him.

Stick around, and take care.
 
Denise

I just wanted to say that my partner and I went for couples councelling, at my instigation, well before he disclosed the CSA. It just didn't work and made us both feel worse.
Now he is therapy with a CSA therapist who he gets on with great and we have had another go at couples councelling. This time it is fantastic and we are going from strength to strength.

Good luck

Tracy
 
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