how to find a therapist

how to find a therapist
D

desertwife&mom

Registrant
My husband and I have talked in the past about going to therapy. He wants to go because of the SA. I think I need to go just to have someone to talk to when I'm feeling overwhelmed and we could probably use a couples therapist for those times when we hit a wall that we can't seem to hurdle alone.

My only problem with therapists is that sometimes the things they suggest contradict or do not take into account our faith.

Both my husband and I are Christians and turn to God for strength for ourselves and our relationship.

Does anyone out there no of a good resource to research therapists by specific geographical locations?

Based on different conversations I've had with my husband I know he wants to deal with this. He doesn't want to carry this around silently for the rest of his life. He especially wants to deal with this so that he can be good father to our son.

It's not a topic that he readily discusses but sometimes in those intimate moments that we share, the hurt that the SA has caused him reveals itself.

I know I have expressed this before but I love him and when he expresses that he is hurt its hard for me.

Sometimes I'm not sure what is a safe conversation or what may act as a trigger.

I remember one particular incident: I had started watching Law & Order SVU in the middle of the episode. As I was watching the plot started to unfold and it had a homosexual theme associated with it. I felt really uncomfortable watching it (because my husband was sitting in the dining room). So I turned it off.

He later brought it up and asked me what I was thinking in regards to what he had shared with me about his same sex experiences prior to our relationship.

I shared with him that the subject matter of the show made me uncomfortable because I was afraid it might had made him uncomfortable.

He went on to try to assure me that he was okay. I don't know if I was quite convinced.

How do I ease his mind that I don't veiw him differently (i.e. as dirty, unworthy, etc.) now that I know everything. I still see him as the man that I first fell in love with. I know that the SA was not his fault and that when he experiented with same sex relationships it was a reacation to the SA.

And also now that I have been visiting the site some of what I have read has got me a little paranoid. Especially with the stories about SA partners cheating, relying on pornography, etc...I don't want to become suspicious of my husband.

I trust my husband and want to continue to trust him...I guess I have to take things with him one day at a time at a pace that he is comfortable with.

Sometimes I think too much. I'm a planner and worry wart by nature.

I'm sorry that my post are always long but this is just my time to unleash all that I am feeling at that moment.

Thanks
 
DesertWife&Mom,

Will the leaders in your own faith community know professional counselors or therapists?

My wife and I started counseling together for the sake of our marriage before I ever started going individually for the abuse effects. For me right now it works well having two separate therapists, since we're still working on both our marriage and on me.

You can't read your husband's mind to know what does or doesn't bother him, trigger him. You can be considerate when you learn about such things, but you can't tip toe around your own life to avoid stepping on a landmine buried in his memories somewhere. It's not helping you get the things you want, and it's denying him the chance to know and love who you really are.
Sometimes I think too much.
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I believe there are people here who know what that is like. :)

Thanks,

Joe
 
Desertw/m,

Joe is giving you good advice. And I'm not just saying that because I gave you similar advice in the other thread. ;)
you can't tip toe around your own life to avoid stepping on a landmine buried in his memories somewhere. It's not helping you get the things you want, and it's denying him the chance to know and love who you really are.
Click to expand...
If you want to let him know that you think of him the same way, treat him the same way... make time for the two of you, games with your son, time on his own to explore his own interests. Help him have a life that he wants to reclaim.

I think those of us who worry too much sort of instinctually know the difference between founded and unfounded worry. I think most partners who've discovered cheating, pornography, etc., had a feeling that something wasn't right before the fact. If you have no other reason to be suspicious of your husband besides what you've read here about others, then it's probably safe to relax. It is likely that he hasn't been sharing all of his emotions about intimacy and sexuality (probably because he doesn't know what all of them are), but that doesn't always mean acting out.

I was scared too, when I started reading about acting out... I worried that my boyfriend and I had only gotten together in the first place because of his abuse history and that when he got better, he would leave me. I guess it was easier for me to confront him with my fears than it would be for you to confront your husband with your suspicions... but maybe if you can talk openly the way you describe in your post, this wouldn't be such a bad conversation for you to have with him?

SAR
 
i only have experience with the one i go to, but i cannot recall him ever contradicting my faith. i dont know his views on it, but he has always encouraged me in my faith. if you dont like a therapist, try another. i guess i believe counselors even in your faith such as a pasture that has training will work fine for couples, but i believe your husband needs help from an actual doctor. also, in my experience, therapy has always been about me. he encourages me to explore things, but it is up to me to decide how to apply his advice. not everything works for everyone, and if something isnt for you, discount it and take the advice and help you can use.

i'm a christian too. faith has been important part of my recovery, but so has dealing with emotional and physical truths. can i ask what doesnt agree with your faith, or is that too personal? pm me if you wish, i would like to see if i can help you reconcile whatever seems conflicting to you.
 
Hey Desert W&M,

I don't know if you saw this article that is on this sight, you can find it here- How to find a therapist

I think it will help. We interviewed five of them before we settled on one and boy we hit the jackpot with her! Remember they work for you and you can fire them at anytime.

I hope that helps.
 
As Curtis said, you can always fire them. Some of them really need to get fired (personal experience here). Don't be afraid to fire them, when warranted.

I wouldn't recommend the method I used to get my T. Strange story. But it worked out in the end.
 
Just my opinion (based on working in the field for 25 years), it is better to find someone who is experienced in working with sexual abuse than to find someone who is of a particular (Christian, in this case) orientation.

The abuse, in most cases, had nothing to do with Christian (or any) belief. The effects of the abuse incorporate all aspects of one's life, including (but not limited to) one's spiritual beliefs. You can always reconcile things in the spiritual realm with a spiritual advisor, however, the likelihood of finding one who ALSO is experienced in sexual victimization (particularly with the effects on males) is pretty unlikely. You'd be very fortunate to find someone with male sexual abuse experience in your area, let alone have a Christian perspective in treatment.

My suggestion is to read the guide to therapist shopping and suspend for the time being, the person's spirtual belief system. Work on the abuse issues and then fine-tune it with the belief system. Or, do both, if you can.

Ken
 
The church we go to has a whole list of therapists who have Christian-based ways of doing things.

Maybe asking your church leaders would help, as they probably have recommendations as to who would support your belief system. I do agree that "spiritual counselling" alone isn't enough to deal with abuse of any kind.

We had a son in therapy years ago, and it really helped being understood from the standpoint of what we "believed" to begin with.

On the other note, if your husband has given you no reason not to trust him, I would keep right on trusting him. That trust is probably a great strength to him, in light of everything else he has gone through. It's right up there with "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". He deserves to be trusted.

I also see what people said about not tippy toeing around life, but I think there is a difference between that and being "considerate". I would have turned off SVU too.

Hugs,

Lynn
 
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