HOW TO FEEL GOOD THINGS...

HOW TO FEEL GOOD THINGS...
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Nick VB

I have been in pursuit of healing from childhood sexual abuse for 6 years now. Tonite I had a strong personal revelation. For years I've been thinking that

a.) i don't desreve good things to happen in my life.
and/or
b.) Deep down, I don't want good things to happen to me, so much so that I vigilantly warp anything good into something bad.

Though I would wish and hope for good things, there was an impenetrable force at work to keep me from receiving them. An "enemy". And I was furious with it. I would think that God was punishing me for "what I had done". Then I've thought I was the enemy because after all, it IS me that is doing it to myself.

After awhile, I think I decided not to bother trying at a fullfilled life, because I (or something; the universe, God maybe) was going to fuck it up anyway.

Tonite I realized there is no enemy.
That it's not that I don't want good things.
I am terrified of good things. Because I am scared that what follows soon after the good things is something awful. THAT, I understand.
I can't blame or be angry with myself for that.
The anger and frustuaration have stopped for now and a compassion has set in for the first time.
I must have been a very scared little boy.

Sitting here now, my question is:
HOW DO I LEARN TO TRUST GOOD THINGS?
HOW DO I LET GO OF THE FEAR AND LET THE GOOD THINGS INTO MY LIFE?
HOW DO I REMEMBER THIS?
 
Bear,

Wow, that is a powerful post.

You've asked some questions at the end that I have no idea how to answer for you. I'm not sure one person can ever answer them for another, at least in specifics because the person asking needs to discover those answers for themselves. One can give a lot of advise and helpful suggestions. More importantly a person can offer love, understanding, and compassion. He can even offer these things from a position of having been in that same position of questioning himself. That is the most powerful thing to us as survivors. Knowing and hearing that other's have been where we are.

I agree, you must have been a scared little boy. I was. We all were, and in many cases we still carry that scared little boy with us, inside, still trying for all he's worth to protect himself from the bad things. He's a valiant little guy who needs our love and support. He need the reassurance from the adult that he'll be kept safe. That the adult is in charge now and won't let anything bad happen to him. When he gets that, he can learn to let go and love again.

I think that learning to love and be loved is the answer to your questions. The willingness to once again allow ourselves to be vulnerable. To give ourselves permission to not be destroyed inside if someone we love lets us down in some way even tho we've given them our most precious resource. To learn to let that love go to them even tho they let us down. I think it also means learning to set boundaries that keep our inner self secure even tho folks do let us down.

I've rambled on here a lot, but just want to say congrats on the breakthrough. If you're honest with yourself and willing to continue the path you've chosen you'll get there.

Keep talking here and to any local resources (trusted friends, group, therapist) you may have. Welcome to the journey, My Friend.

Lots of love,

John
 
Bear, many times we are so used to being in chaos, we feel guilty, and revert to craziness because we know the routine. A therapist can be useful but he/she has to know male abuse. Some don't to deal with it. All you do is ask if they have that experience. Depending where you live in NC, there sould be resources, especially if there is a good university close by. There ought to be a few good therapists in that invironment. Go on line and search your area but start to do something.
froggy12
 
bear, i think i am going through the same things. i have no solution for it so i have no advice. just know you arent alone
 
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