how to explain/ overcome obstacles?

how to explain/ overcome obstacles?
C

cpt. confusion

my girlfried has known about my CSA pretty much since we have been together (over 3 years)... however until now i dont think that she really realized fully everything that came with the CSA. there were a lot of things that i could not explain to her, both becasue i didnt know how and also because i was afraid to... afraid of what i'm not sure... we have had rough times, and we've had great times.. she is my confidant, and i am hers as well. we have alway been able to talk things throguh, and i love that about our relationship, we can talk about almost anything... but she came to me the other night, and she had some questions. she has been doing some reseach, and growing to understand more abou twhat we as survivors face... now, i have never really gone into great detail with her abou tmy abuse, or its reprecussions... i have just told her that something happened when iwas young, and we've dealt with some of the feelings that i have, and reasons why i dont show much emotion... but as we lie next to each other i could tell that she was desperate to know more.. to unsderstand me more deeply.. she told me she wanted to better understand what i have gone through, what i have seen,and how i have dealt with it so she could better understand me... and i just lie there in disbelief that she was so open to all of this, and that she wanted to share my pain.... but then i began to grow numb... as i felt this great emotion welling up inside, knowing that she wanted to be a part of me.. even for a second... i greew numb becaus ei did not know how to comprehend someone wanting to come inside and view the horrific pictures that i see everyday... i grew numb because thats wha ti have always done when anyone wants to try to get inside for whatever reason... i have put up a wall that only i can climb high enough to look at the outside world, but there is barbed wire at the top.. so i must remain inside... even though she is the closest to me out of anyone out there.. i could'nt even let her in... i want to protect her. i want to keep her sheltered from the pain that i see each day... i understand that she wants to grow closer to me, and understand me... but i dont know how to let her in, to share my pain, my darkest secrets from the underbelly of the demon that resides within me. I'm scared of something.. but i dont know what... i'm not scared that she will reject me, i'm not scared that she wont understand.. i am just scared that she will hurt with me... this is my pain to deal with, she doesn't desreve to be exposed to this kind of pain. but at the same time i desperately want to share with her so that we can grow further together.... but how?

I realize that i am inexplicably lucky to have found another soul that loves me as much as she, and wants to care for me the way that she does... even though i dont feel like i deserve it. does it get any easier to open up further down the road of survival? i want to share more with my g/f but i dont know how.. and it might be because i have never ever once vocalized my story, what actually happened to me, or how i have coped...does it get easier after the initial vocalization? what can i tell her, and how do i do it? i know there may not be any definite answers... but does it get easier?

thanks for reading, and i apologize for my spelling, and grammer, as well as for the length... i just choose not to use proper grammer, it interrupts the train of thought.

take care,
cpt.
 
it has gotten easier for me to talk about it. i guess you get more comfortable talking about it. it is also funny how you grow as a person along the way. recovery, for me, came in steps. i would face an issue and feel better, but then i would run into something else,and get all down again. many times i had these lightbulb moments where i would suddenly see something in a new light, and find peace within myself. certainly talking so often and in such depth with my therapist helped. it got me comfortable with the abuse, and me as a person. it is hard to talk about when you are ashamed and guilty, but as those fade, it becomes easier.
 
Wow, a person who actually wants to know is in your life? Inexplicably lucky indeed!! The only girlfriend I told this about in a small way said simply *kids can be really cruel* and that didn:t quite cover my feelings. Never went further than that. You are blessed, the only place to start is to start...once you do, it:ll start coming out in spades. There:s a book on the bookstore tab this site called Ghosts in the Bedroom for both of you...it:s really a fast read, but covers a ton of issue facing couples like you. She:ll need to set some Personal Boundaries for herself which will benefit the both of you going thru this stuff together.

Generally, I think us The Abused are afraid of Reaching Out to the world generally for fear of somehow getting hurt (or hurting others), but it sounds like her offer is Genuine and hopefully she won:t freak out. Sounds like the cats out of the bag, but also like she can realistically support you, I:m now envious as well. Just basic facts of disclosure by you may be needed and then go from her gauging how she takes the bare bones facts. More details may not be better, but generally what happened and who was involved when...sounds like you may have covered some of the feelings, which is a great beginning. Also there is a Friends and Family tab at this site she can take advantage of. You are really gonna get close to her with this disclosure, what a great adventure, go slowly, let us know how it works out. Peace
 
Cpt.
Yes, you're nickname is right, this problem does throw us into deep confusion.

even though she is the closest to me out of anyone out there.. i could'nt even let her in... i want to protect her. i want to keep her sheltered from the pain that i see each day...
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i'm not scared that she will reject me, i'm not scared that she wont understand.. i am just scared that she will hurt with me...
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These confusions are still very real to me, and I started my healing in 1999, and since then my wife and I have been very open in talking about my past, and my present.

But the fears you express are very real ones. Even though we know that that our partners support is there for us, that they don't want to know 'what happened' out of idle curiosity, and that their only wish is to understand our position to help us, we still have a huge reluctance to open up.

And I think you're right, we fear that the knowledge will hurt them, NOT turn them away, just hurt them in the way the knowledge / memories hurt us.
Because we love our partners we naturally want to protect them, and who would want to deliberately inflict this crap on them? I certainly don't.

But over the last few years I have opened up, I no longer have any secrets about what happened and the effects it has to this day.
I have not gone into graphic detail of the actual sex, although I have described the 'acts' that were done. But it's been nothing more than stating that 'anal and oral sex took place'. What more needs to be said? Sometimes I'm not so polite about it, but that depends on my mood / anger levels.
There are times when I need to say "I was 12yo and he fucked me!"

I have however described in great detail the circumstances surrounding the sex acts. I talk about the grooming, the violence when that failed, and the submission that followed for the 5 years it went on.
And this is important for both of us, for my wife it gives her an understanding of the process that abuse operates under. Which is something most people have no idea of, and is bound to be both a shock to them as much as it is a mystery.

Has it made a difference to us? Absolutely!
For me it has provided a source of affirmation that has been constant and immediate, for my wife it's given her something to work with. And a set of explanations for how her husband works.

But one thing that has always been constant is we both know that what I choose to tell is done when I'm ready to tell.
Which is important I think, our abuse happened under pressure from other people, and that's what we're trying to escape, so we don't need any more.

Let her know you want to tell her about your problems, but explain that it's hard.
I let it out in small bits over a few years, and every bit was so difficult to share, that 'fear' was always lurking in the background.
But the more I shared the less 'fear' I had.

Dave
 
CPT - my experiences were personal property & like many things, I hoarded it away in the cupboards of my mind - I didn't want anyone to see what was in there because I thought they might judge me, or even worse blame me for what happened.

I've let it go....

Told 3 friends
2 years later told my Boss / Doctor / Therapist
Told people here
Told more Friends
Got stronger
Told more people at work
Told the police
Told my sister

Everyone of those people I told, I did so when I thought the time was right...when I thought that they could handle the information & I could handle telling it.

I started off banging in to the wall that was my head - all I got was resounding echoes.

I then started to use that hole in the front of my head (my mouth) to let the story / pressure out.

Only you can judge whether or not the time is right for you to tell....it's a very frightening thing when you first mouth those words to someone else and you don't fully know what the reaction will be. I can only speak from personal experience, but holding it in was damaging me to the extreme - I'm letting it go and it's loosing it's power over me.

Your girlfriend sounds like a really nice & genuine person whether you decide to tell her or not.

Best wishes & strength be with you ...Rik
 
guys,
thanks for your positive words, and advice, they are really helping... I am going to take it very slowly, adn i have told her how difficult it is for me to vocalize these things and these feelings....
rick57
it's a very frightening thing when you first mouth those words to someone else and you don't fully know what the reaction will be
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rik, you hit the nail ont he head there.. thats the biggest thing that i am trying ot overcome right now. it is one thing to type out things here ont he site in great detail... however it is drastically another to actually speak them to another human being... when we begin to talk about things, or when she has questions, i get kinda paranoid, and it feels so surreal to me... i get anxious and kinda scared.. and i just dont know how to begin to speak. one of these days i will just let it out, i just hope it comes out the righ tway.
i'm sorry if this has made you envious bryan, or anyone else that has read this, thats wholeheartedly not my intention to brag by any means... i'm just tring to understand how i can get through this, and get past vocalizing this for the very first time. so, hopefully hopefully there are no hard feelings to anyone reading, as that is the last thing that i want ot do to anyone here...

thanks again for the advice, and if anyone else has any similar experiences, please share, even if its abou tthe first time that you vocalized your experiences to someone else face to face, how did you gather the strength to do it?

thanks again,
cpt.
 
Hi CPT, About three years ago I found some help for my spelling problem. May I introduce you to my little friend? His name is Ispell. https://www.iespell.com/index.htm
I am sorry to say he only works with IE. If you use FireFox they have a spell checker also, but I would have to find it for you.
The way to use Ispell is just type your message then right click and select check spelling. During the three years my spelling has gotten better.
It is interesting about your wall, I think of myself as a clam, I have a shell, I can see out but no one can get to me, unless I open my shell. Which is what I am doing here, opening my shell, just a Little bit.
How about that my little friend only found seven misspelled words.
 
Hi Cpt.--

Since you asked for stories about first times telling, here's mine...it might be familiar to some of you (I copied it from a post from months ago).

But first I wanted to add something to the general discussion here. There are lots of things to worry about in sharing pain, but one you never have to fear is really hurting someone as you were hurt. Their pain will always be the pain of witnessing someone else's pain, not experiencing it first hand. For someone who's ready to witness your pain, as your girlfriend seems to be, the sharing is a gift, an acknowledgement of love and trust.

And that's something to treasure.

As to my story of first telling: I was driving down the road with my best friend...it was a beautifully sunny Caribbean day. We had been hanging out at my place, and I had gotten a call from my mom that he overheard. It was about my not coming home for Christmas because of the effect it would have on my dad's state of mind (he was my abuser).

Anyway, as we were heading to the beach, my friend said "what happened between you and your dad?"

No one had ever asked me that before. And this particular friend is more like a brother to me than anyone I've ever known. So I couldn't lie.

The weird thing about it (or one of the many weird things!) is that when he asked me the question, the light changed. It suddenly seemed to get very dark, and I felt like the whole world was closing in on me. I was trapped, and I had a brief out of body experience. Only the fact that I was driving kept me from freaking out completely.

Then I felt the words spilling out of me...they were out of my control in a way, and I was horrified of the terribleness in what I was saying. I don't remember exactly how much I said, how detailed the answer was. I only remember that I expected to be shunned.

When I looked over at my friend, he had this unbelieveable anger in his face. He was pounding his fist into his hand. He looked at me, and I almost think I thought he was mad at me. Then he said, "I wish your dad was here right now. I'd beat the shit out of him!"

I can't tell you what a moment of joy that was for me. The sun came back out, bright and alive again, I felt the weight of the world fall from my shoulders...It was as though I was really alive for the first time. He was just angry. Really, intensely angry. And not at me. We were just as much best friends after the news as before. Nothing had changed. That was so amazing to me. I really don't know exactly what I was expecting...I had never thought to share the news with anyone, so I had no way to know. But I was certainly generally expecting something horrible, something akin to the abuse.

Instead I got support...Miraculously someone wished he could have protected me from the horror! Someone would stand up for me, right by my side through the darkness. Amazing!

This was one of the most incredible days of my life, and I'll be forever thankful for it.

Trust is beautiful thing.

Danny
 
Cpt.
The first person I told was my wife, two days before our 25th wedding anniversary, some present eh?

Why? I just had to, and the time must have been right. Maybe my planets were aligned or something? I just don't really know.
But we sat down for our dinner one night and I just spat it out. "I've got something to tell you........I was sexually abused as a kid. I think I need some help." Both our dinners went cold, but we've just celebrated 30 years.
I think that at the time I was so low, and a bit suicidal, that I knew 'something' had to be done. I didn't know what, so in desperation I just guessed. Turns out I was right - for once :rolleyes:

The next person, other than my therapist, was my best friend, and that was in very different circumstances. One day he told me his daughter had been raped, and he was so angry because he felt that nobody really understood what they were going through. I understood some, and I told him why.
Once again my decision was right.

Since then I've adpoted the same attitude as Rick, and if the feeling is right I tell. So far the majority of my decisions have all been right and I've had positive results, a very small number have been, shall I say "neutral, maybe slightly negative"
I haven't fallen out with these few people, but I know where I stand with them and we still get along OK.

The biggest disclosure was to a whole class of trainee counsellors, 23 of them.
I related much of my story and my healing to them, and I came away ten feet tall. I still get a buzz from thinking about it.
Telling someone is a huge display of trust, and love as well, towards that person. It shows them that we / you trust them with a secret that we have belived for so long would destroy us if we shared it.
After 31 years I destroyed that secret, and 6 years later I'm destroying the last remnants of it.
It's a wonderful feeling.

Dave
 
Dave - it was one of your posts that helped me to loosen up and tell people - it was the one where you said that you told some young kid at work & he just said 'cool'.

Thanks....Rik
 
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