how to deal

how to deal
C

Cupcake

Registrant
six years ago, my best friend revealed to me that he was abused. and in that moment, it clicked. everything about him finally and suddenly made sense to me. i loved him then. and now more. the topic of his abuse does not get discussed very often. i leave it to him if he wants to mention it, i don't think it is fair for me to ask questions. it is something that i understand makes him uncomfortable, so i figure that it's off limits unless he brings it up.

but sometimes, i do want to ask questions. or to know if he experiences some of the things i read about here. does he have triggers? or simply how does he think the abuse has shaped the person he is and what he does on a daily basis? i think i have my own ideas, but i am curious to know his point of view. am i wrong to want to know that and how can i ask him? i want him to know that he always has safety with me, and acceptance. i want him to know most of all that i think he is the most amazing man i've ever known. he inspires me with his courage and his strength, his capacity to forgive, and his endurance. he is fearless and never gives up. what's the best way to tell him this?
 
Sorry, but this topic belongs in F&F forum.
Cupcake, could you please read the guidelines regarding posting in the forum.

I know you need answers but you are not allowed to post nor reply unless you are a male survivor,

ste
 
Hi cupcake,

You sound like a good friend and if your friend has told you about what happened then I'd say he already trusts you. Since you've been friends for six years I think you can feel free to tell him exactly how wonderful you think he is; everyone needs to hear that at least sometimes.

Initiating a conversation with him to ask questions probably isn't a good idea, especially since I'm not really sure what it is you want to know.

You say he's your best friend and you love him; is that as a best friend or would you like more? If it's more and he doesn't feel the same way, I'm afraid you've got some built in problems that have nothing to do with csa. If he's truly just a best friend, which is a pretty important thing to be, then keep on being his friend and keep on being there for support and love and encouragement if he wants to talk. And don't forget the fun part of being a best friend.

ROCK ON........Trish
 
If you havent already, tell him what youve told us here. Youve put it very clearly.

Also, regardless of his response or ability to talk more about whats happening with him and how it affects him, you might like to (if you havent already) get hold of some of the books listed on this website.

Buy them from Amazon via the links here and some proceeds come back to Male Survivior . I must also advise that you have a good look at the contents as some are more suited to partners of those abused than others. Some are specifically aimed just at survivors. All are tough reads so make sure youre in a good frame of mind when reading.
 
you know, i would love to have a friend take that much interest in it. that isnt saying others will be as open as i am. i guess in my way of thinking, it wouldnt hurt to talk. i would tell him that he doesnt need to talk if he doesnt want to, and ask him if he would mind if you asked him some questions. i mean he can always say no.
 
i want him to know that he always has safety with me, and acceptance. ... what's the best way to tell him this?
Click to expand...
I think this is something that is better shown than told.
Sometimes, just being someone's friend is enough. When my partner disclosed to me, he wasn't disclosing to me because he saw me as a therapist or even as his number one fan-- or because he wanted me to stop being the person he'd felt safe enough to tell in the first place.

I think Trish's whole post is right on target, especially the part about having fun. I know that he appreciated the everyday stuff we did after he disclosed as much as anything else.

SAR
 
Cupcake,

As a survivor myself I will just tell you what I would like. I would not want to feel cornered or pressurized into talking more about a subject that is so painful to me. But if I had already told a friend and she came back to me and said she hasn't forgotten, that would be great. Even better would be if she offered a safe ear to talk to.

But if your friend backs off, don't despair. Rome wasn't built in a day, as the saying goes.

Much love,
Larry
 
Cupcake.
No, I don't think you're wrong to be curious, and I don't think you'd be outta-line to push his boundaries a bit either.

But only a bit, we have a terrible habit of retreating.
As a good friend who's known this guy for a long time you will almost certainly have a good sense of how much pushing he will take, and you'll know when to back off. You'll also know - more or less - how to cope if what he discloses is the 'big picture'. You come here and read and learn about survivors because you obviously care deeply about this guy, so I would say have a little push and see what happens.

Many survivors are desperate to disclose and do something about their lives, but we are too scared of full disclosure and haven't got a clue about what to do if we do disclose.
So we as survivors often 'push' a bit from our side in the hope that someone else will make the break for us, maybe that's why he discloses small amounts to you? He might be waiting for you to take the lead and give him the opportunity to let it all out without him holding all the resonsibility for the disclosures.
The 'secret' that so many surviors carry with us is far stronger that non survivors can imagine, and many survivors will drop hints for a long long time about their pasts in the hope that someone will just ask them "what happened?". That way our conscience is clear, we haven't broken the secret.

That might sound strange, but the secrets we carry are formidable.

Dave
 
Thank you to all of you for your advice and comments. I'm finding them helpful. I hope you're all doing well.

Cupcake
 
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