how to deal with mum - any ideas?

how to deal with mum - any ideas?
T

thetraveller

Registrant
Since I have started to face up to what happened to me I am having to re-evaluate my relationships with people. Mainly my mum who was my perp. She is re married and lives over an hours drive away so we don't see each other often. She calls me, not very often, but now I can't even face talking to her. I have just been ignoring her but that tactic is only a short term solution.

I have gone past a point in my recovery where I can't just pretend there isn't a problem anymore but I am not strong enough to face a confrontation or tell family members. I'm not going to see her or speak to her and play at happy families.

Its just playing on my mind, i'm feeling scared of her, of ignoring her, of upsetting her. I don't know how to deal with it. I just want her to disappear and get out of my head. She's still got all this power over me and it all comes from inside my head.

just writing it and thinking about it is making me feel all anxious inside, its so annoying.

I've got a session with my T first thing tomorrow so hopefully that will give me some help.

So basically how to you deal with seeing your perp when your not ready to confront them?

I feel as though I'm being backed into a corner and to get out if it I'm gonna be forced into a confrontational situation.
 
Youve tried ignoring her, and it didnt work, normally it does.
Pretend you are not at home when she calls, she will soon get tired of driving all that way for nothing.

Write her a letter saying you do not feel comfortable in her presence, and could she please keep a distance.

If she has control, you need to break it down, but confrontation should be avoided.
Ask your T about control issues, most perps use it to hurt, so he may have an answer,

ste
 
I have just come back from seeing my T and have decide that a letter is the best course of action. Why should I be the one living in fear,worrying about her when i did nothing wrong.

Here is the letter I shall be sending:-

Mum

I am sorry that I have to write this but its the only way I can communicate with you now. You may have been wondering whats going on with me recently so I'll explain. I have been in therapy for a while now due to the various psychological problems I have. The main problem is that I have fragmented memories / dreams / flashbacks from when I was young of you sexually abusing me. I have also been affected from Dads emotional/verbal abuse that I endured whilst growing up.

I'm telling you not to contact me until I can sort my head out. I will contact you when I feel ready. If you want any chance of any type of relationship with me then you will respect my wishes. If not then this is goodbye.

I also urge you to seek professional help to deal with your childhood abuse if you have not already done so.

Whatever happens from this point on things can NEVER be the same and I won't try and pretend it can. For to long our family has swept this horrible aspect of our past under the carpet but no more. Time, for me at least, to face up to it.

Craig


I know that sending this is going to make things kick off and that is making me very scared. God only knows what sort of a reaction this wil cause. Its a fair assumption i think that the proverbial shit is going to hit that proverbial fan.
 
Dear Craig,
I agree with your T that a letter is the best step; however, I would like to point out something that glares at me.
1. After writing a letter of this power and magnitude, step back and read it as if you are the perp. In doing so you may discover the following:
You are still enabling her to control and manipulate you by starting the letter with "I am sorry that I have to write... et al." YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR! By starting off your letter with an apology, you are asking her forgiveness, when it is she who should be saking for your forgiveness. By starting your letter on this note not only continues to empower the perp but it argues your limitations. As I mentioned to our friend Shadowkid, you have the RIGHT to hold a mirror to anyone's face who has abused you. By starting a letter with an apology is simply allowing the perp to remain in control, hence you remain in codepdendency. You should not feel sorry. The purpose of the letter is to releive that sorrow and hold the perp accountable so that she can recognize that it is she who should feel the sorrow. Empower yourself, first and foremost because the only power any perp has over his/her victim is their control through manipulation and guilt. The first step is that you must strip away the tyranny of totalitarianism and absolute power of control that your perp has over you.
Lastly, to hold that mirror up to your mother's face, you might want to hit her full-force with the fact that you are in therapy as a result of the heinous abuse suffered at her hand due to the sexual abuse and let her know that you will never allow her to victimize you again because from this moment on you are no longer a victim due to her sickness but because of your strength you have moved to becoming a survivor. Stress that she needs to seek professional counseling is a great idea. Most of all, let her know that she can no longer abuse you in any way. In closing, you might want to consider never seeing her again until she has not only sought therapy but has made some progress in counseling, and letting her know that this is a final condition, an ultimatum. If you make the decision not to have anything to do with your mother until she has sought and has grown from therapy as a condition it might be a wake up call for her. Remember, your mother is not only a very sick person who is in desperate need of therapy, she in more denial than you could ever be, and as we say "down South", denial ain't a river in Egypt.

Best of luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you, Craig
Tex (Gary)
 
Gary.

Your right i'm gonna have to re-write the letter. Its so fucking annoying. Your spot on she still does have this power over me. I'm so scared of upsetting her. I feel like its me doing something wrong by bringing this up. Fuck her though. I will hold the mirror up to her face, SHE can deal with what SHE has done to ME. I need to take back the power and she can have the guilt, shame and hurt of what she did.

Thanks for being honest and pointing this out to me Gary. I needed telling


Take care

Craig
 
Craig
I agree with Gary, YOU have to take control now and be positive and firm, don't apologise for what you didn't do.

Lay the law down, tell her what YOU are GOING to do, and that she has NO influence over that, or you, anymore.

Dave
 
Craig,

Good advise from the our brothers, Dave and Gary.

I wish you well, My Friend.

I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

Lots of love,

John
 
Just to stress a point that several guys have made. In dealing with a perp relative I guess it would be a real temptation to fall back into the boyhood mode of shutting up and allowing oneself to be manipulated all over again. A good example is the fear of upsetting the parent, even though the parent abused the child.

I would put off any letter or communication until you feel you are strong enough to react firmly and decisively to any tricks or mind games you might get (for example: "Well, that was a long time ago and I am still your mother!"). You have to expect some negative reaction, so maybe it's better to start with the best possible defenses.

Much love,
Larry
 
Craig,

I am in a similar situation as yourself. My Mother was my perp and I have struggled very hard with confronting her with my memories. She is in complete denial and every conversation ends horrificly. My T suggested that a letter would be the best course of action. I wrote a long detailed letter explaining everything and requested that she reply in writing as well because talking to each other is a failure. Writing the letter was the hardest thing I ever did but I feel better for it. I feel like I am taking control for the first time even if she does not respond. It felt good to speak all my truths!!

Best of luck,

Mike
 
Craig. Abuse is bad enough but when it is a parent that is the Abuser it makes it so much worse to me. The very one that is to love and keep me safe is the one that is abuseing me. My advice is you take charge of your life, any contact is on your terms ( they have lost the right to demand that of you) If you have not forgiven them or her I hope you find it in your heart to do so. So you can move on. May God richly Bless you Gary...
 
Roadrunner is on the nose. My mother was a perp among a few. She didn't commit flat out SA, but intense mental abuse that lead directly to the SA from another perp, and then another. I've written her letters. Gone with her to her therapist (who sucks and has made zero progress with her in several decades). And on and on. With my new T, he suggested I stop trying to communicate with her, full stop. She's still an abusive, bitter and highly manipulative person. I can't tell you the relief I felt when it finally hit me that I DON'T OWE HER ANYTHING. No guilt anymore, no repetetive letters that got me nothing but guarded bile in response. No picking up the phone and suddenly regressing (as you naturally did with your letter above) to a small child seeking approval. It is extremely important, and exceedingly difficult to come to accept that you do not owe your mother a damn thing. Zilch. Nada. End of story. And it's not conditional. Not "if you see a therapist and make progress," or "once I feel you respect who I am and what I feel..." etc. You must sever ties for the foreseeable future, if not permanently. I firmly believe this. And spend a great deal of time working on you, protecting you, worrying about you and you only. It's about time that happened, right?

lotsa love,

Alex
 
Craig,

In recasting the letter, I would bear in mind something that Alex stresses:

You must sever ties for the foreseeable future, if not permanently. I firmly believe this. And spend a great deal of time working on you, protecting you, worrying about you and you only. It's about time that happened, right?
Click to expand...
This is so true, but I think it's not so easy to work this out in a way that really empowers you and places control in YOUR hands.

For one thing, I would NOT tell her not to contact you at all, nor would I say that you will contact her when you are ready. This may seem to empower you, but it doesn't. It leaves her with the option of doing as she pleases, as before. And it places on YOU the obligation to renew contact and take the risk that she will just blow you off.

So what to do?

In the first instance Craig, what I would ask you is this: What do you WANT from your mother? Reconciliation? An apology? A commitment to reform? An admission of guilt in front of the family? Financial help with therapy expenses? What? Whatever it is you want, how will that HELP you in your recovery?

Once you sort this out and know what you want, tell her. Tell her how what she did devastated you as a boy and continues to harm you as a man. Let her know that you are NOT prepared to let the matter lie or remain covered up as in the past.

Finally, I would tell her that you are not prepared to have any relationship with her unless and until she responds in some satisfactory way to your letter. Leave the way open for her to make at least a halting concession to you and then work from there. But insist that there be signs of real and sincere changes. If she cannot make even any gestures in this direction, then you are through with her and that's it.

This way you are in control. SHE is the one who is in the wrong, so she is the one who has to offer changes. Then it is up to you to decide if this is enough, or if you are willing to accept her gestures as at least a place to start from.

I can tell you from my own experience that there are such things as absolutely and irredeemably toxic relatives. At some point we have to cut them loose, even if they are very close by blood to us (parent or sibling, for example). But "family" doesn't have to be all blood relatives. In my case I am very close to my parents and my two sisters, but I also have a "second Mom" and an extra brother and sister who in reality are just very close friends. They mean as much to me as if they were my blood relatives.

The point here is don't be afraid to lay down ultimatums to your mother. If she fails to respond, it's her loss and a very clear sign to you that she wasn't really your mother in the first place. "Mother" means so much more than childbirth.

Much love,
Larry
 
hey guys, I've not been for a while. thanks for all the posts. I really appreciate the support. I really need it at the moment. As far as my recovery goes this has turned out to be the hardest part so far.

I wrote loads of letters but could never post them because I am just terrified. I finally showed one to my therapist yesterday and straight after the session I posted it. So there is no going back.

This is the scariest thing ever. Its like I'm now sitting on a ticking time bomb waiting for her reaction. I don't even want a reaction...?

Larry I didn't get to read your post before sending the letter. I did tell her not to contact me. I just can't handle any contact at the moment so I needed to keep her away from me. As to what I want from her. Nothing. I just want her to know what she did was wrong and to tell her the consequences of her actions. How she affected me and how angry with her I am.

Me and my sister have now spoken and know of each others abuse. My sister told me of my mum beating her up (no sexual abuse) she also tried to strangle her once. My sister also found my mum trying to take an OD. She should have let her. All of this I never knew. My sister has been in therapy and has been fighting bulimia for years. I love my little sister more than anything. we were are only 1 year apart and socialise together and are very close. I am very protective of her. I hate my mum for what she has done to her and I can never forgive her for that. I feel even more anger towards her, I tried so hard to protect my sister and I didn't even see it happening. I didn't think mum would be the one to hurt her. Not an unreasonable assumption, if your mum is normal.

I wanted to get the control and power over my mother. To be in control. Now I know she's going to read the letter I am so fearful. I know she can't do anything to me now. yet this persistent panic of her reaction. It really doesn't feel like I have taken control. I feel like a pathetic scared little kid afraid of mummy. FUCK.

I know I need to do this. I just feel that this is the next step I have to take on my path to recovery. I'm sure I will calm down and feel better, just freaking out a bit now.
Sorry for ranting on this whole thing has got my head all twisted up
 
Craig,

Don't panic. You're cracking open a sealed vault and experiencing all the terror and fear you felt while being abused. I have the same feeling when I even think of my mother, which is why, for now, I still think it best you have no contact. Don't worry about having power, or being in control for the moment. These are fairly abstract concepts when you are in your current state of pain and fear. Of course eventually I intend to re-connect with my mother, and gain power, and be clear in a letter about my desires, etc. But I'm 41, spent from 17 to 36 writing her these kinds of letters, going to her therapist, mine, etc., and all this did was allow her to continue abusing me in her way. I think breaking ties for now is essential, and don't read what she sends, just hand over to your therapist, don't talk to her on the phone. Breathe for a moment with the wonderful truth that this woman need not have any place in your life, that this is a danger no longer present. This was a HUGE thing for me, and continues to be a massive relief from a stress I've carried my whole life.

good luck. And congratulate yourself for making a bold and powerful step.

Al
 
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