how to best support my boyfriend
Hi, I would really appreciate some advice on how to best support my boyfriend. I hope what I am writing about the situation is not too explicit, and that I am not offending people with what I write, but I dont know how else to explain the situation and my problem. We have been going out for seven months. Very early in our relationship, he told me that abuse had taken place at the boarding school he went to when he was a child, but he said it in a way as if it hadn't involved him. From the way he said it, I thought he might actually have been abused himself and not be ready yet to tell me, but I didn't pursue the issue, as I thought he'd tell me when he was ready.
He mentioned the abuse again a couple of times as we were getting to know each other better, again as something that he had been aware of but which didn't directly involve him. He said he was bothered by the fact that a couple of old school friends he had asked whether they remembered the teacher who was the abuser (without mentioning the abuse itself to them) didn't even seem to remember the guy existed, which bothered him.
He told me that he was wondering about the reliability of his memory, and thought it might have been a false memory, planted during a later experience of being gang raped while under the influence of a date rape drug when he was twenty. I was reeling when I heard about this, I told him I was so sorry that he had had to experience that, and held him. I just wished there was something to do to help, but what? Words just are not enough.
At the time, as we continued talking about the abuse at his school, I asked him whether he thought he had been abused himself. He said he was too unsure of his memories, and didn't want to talk about it, which I respected. I have since found out that I am the only person he ever talked to about this, he didn't tell his parents at the time, and from some things he said, I am wondering whether he was also abused by his father at some point. I feel very honoured by the trust he is showing me by telling me about this, and I would really like to support him as best I can.
The problem is that he is very self-destructive in his behaviour, he used to take a lot of drugs, and still smokes cannabis on a daily basis, though he seems to at least have stopped taking other drugs. He told me he used to compulsively gamble as well. He is also not eating properly, and tells me that he sometimes has whole periods of self-loathing when he doesnt want to eat. He does not connect any of that to the abuse, though (and I didnt address it in that context either). He blames it on some very bad relationships he had with women in the last 10 years. That's also the reason he gives for finding it hard to trust me (especially in terms of jealousy, as he seems to trust me a great deal in terms of opening himself up), and I accepted that as the reason until recently, and tried to show him as much as I could that I love him, but that I still need to see friends etc as well every now and then. So he did tell me about the abuse, but either is not making a connection with his hurt himself, or is not willing to let me see yet how hurt it left him.
Probably because he was telling me about his experiences either calmly (the probable abuse) or with anger (the rape), I assumed that meant he was in some way working through it internally, and he'd tell me about it if he needed to. I actually thought the anger was good. I did try to be supportive in general, but didn't make a connection between these things and his difficulty of trusting me on some levels, and his outbreaks of anger on general issues in the relationship, which can be frightening sometimes, or his self-destructive behaviour, even though that seems to be getting better.
It was only because the anger has recently been getting worse that I have been reading up on reasons for anger and aggression and self-destructive behaviour, and I came across the link with abuse, and I feel stupid now for not thinking about it myself, as maybe it means that I did not take what he told me seriously enough.
The one thing I find most difficult to deal with is his anger and really macho behaviour, usually when he feels insecure or rejected in some way. Thats when he says or does things that in my eyes devalue women, and starts my insecurities, and I find it hard to be understanding sometimes.
From what hes saying, it seems that he has only realized the extent of what happened to him when he was younger in the last year or two (hes 40). One thing that seems to have come up in connection with that is acting out, hes been experimenting with homosexual sex, bondage, humiliation and other things, and it seems to fascinate him, but leaves him with a feeling of self-loathing at the same time from what he says. When he first told me about these things a few months ago, I did not connect it with the abuse at all, and focused on telling him that I respected his experiences, desires etc, and that it didnt affect my love or respect for him, though it is important to me that he remains monogamous while were together, and he accepted this. Now, I am a bit more worried, as after reading on acting out I think partly he is trying to put himself in positions where he is abused again, and now he is asking me to get involved in that (not with anyone else, but he has been saying for a long time that he eventually would like me to penetrate him when weve known each other for longer). I was getting worried then, because he had told me that these experiences usually went with self-loathing, and was telling him that I would not want to do anything that made him feel bad, or anything that makes him associate our relationship with anything other than love, and that I wanted sex to be loving. He brought the topic up a lot though and said that he wanted to get rid of the feeling of self-loathing, and that he found the sensations themselves pleasurable, and that it would be different if I did it out of love. I have agreed to experiment eventually, if he really wants me to. He has also asked me to go to a swingers club with him, to be voyeuristic rather than to do anything, but I feel quite uncomfortable with the idea. Now I am wondering whether he is trying to get over any feelings of shame that he has because of the abuse by just challenging himself to numb himself about feelings of shame in general (not sure whether its clear what I mean) And Im not sure how to react to what he asks me to do. When its situations where I dont object to the actual act, I am still worried about then triggering the feelings of shame of self-loathing that might harm our relationship. And some things I just dont feel comfortable doing, and to be fair he accepts that, though he asks me to at least consider before I decide. I sort of have the feeling as he really appears to want it, I shouldnt deny him at least the things I feel reasonably comfortable with in themselves, because if he says he really wants them and I dont believe him, I would be patronizing him, and also I am worried that saying no might make him feel that I judge these things and might make him feel worse about himself.
I know he has to be the person who addresses what happened, and that I can only support, but the acting out if thats what it is needs some sort of response from me. Basically, I dont want to act in a way thats likely to hurt him or make him hate me for it in the end (or himself). Can anyone give me advice on this from their personal experience?
The other question is this: from what I read on this forum, most people trying to support their partners through healing have been together for years, sometimes it takes years of knowing a person to even find out about the abuse. Are there any other people who were confronted with this sort of situation really early in their relationships? Would people say that its possible to get through this sort of thing together when its still such a new relationship? I really love him, and would like to support him if I can. I hope I havent made it sound like our relationship is all about anger and negative emotions and acting out: there is a lot of love, and we can just have good times, too. And its not all one sided, he gives me a lot of love and affection, otherwise I dont think I could get through the times when he is just so angry. I just dont know what to do to help though, as at the moment he seems to be unwilling to directly deal with the issues himself, or seek help. Thanks so much for any advice on the whole situation!
He mentioned the abuse again a couple of times as we were getting to know each other better, again as something that he had been aware of but which didn't directly involve him. He said he was bothered by the fact that a couple of old school friends he had asked whether they remembered the teacher who was the abuser (without mentioning the abuse itself to them) didn't even seem to remember the guy existed, which bothered him.
He told me that he was wondering about the reliability of his memory, and thought it might have been a false memory, planted during a later experience of being gang raped while under the influence of a date rape drug when he was twenty. I was reeling when I heard about this, I told him I was so sorry that he had had to experience that, and held him. I just wished there was something to do to help, but what? Words just are not enough.
At the time, as we continued talking about the abuse at his school, I asked him whether he thought he had been abused himself. He said he was too unsure of his memories, and didn't want to talk about it, which I respected. I have since found out that I am the only person he ever talked to about this, he didn't tell his parents at the time, and from some things he said, I am wondering whether he was also abused by his father at some point. I feel very honoured by the trust he is showing me by telling me about this, and I would really like to support him as best I can.
The problem is that he is very self-destructive in his behaviour, he used to take a lot of drugs, and still smokes cannabis on a daily basis, though he seems to at least have stopped taking other drugs. He told me he used to compulsively gamble as well. He is also not eating properly, and tells me that he sometimes has whole periods of self-loathing when he doesnt want to eat. He does not connect any of that to the abuse, though (and I didnt address it in that context either). He blames it on some very bad relationships he had with women in the last 10 years. That's also the reason he gives for finding it hard to trust me (especially in terms of jealousy, as he seems to trust me a great deal in terms of opening himself up), and I accepted that as the reason until recently, and tried to show him as much as I could that I love him, but that I still need to see friends etc as well every now and then. So he did tell me about the abuse, but either is not making a connection with his hurt himself, or is not willing to let me see yet how hurt it left him.
Probably because he was telling me about his experiences either calmly (the probable abuse) or with anger (the rape), I assumed that meant he was in some way working through it internally, and he'd tell me about it if he needed to. I actually thought the anger was good. I did try to be supportive in general, but didn't make a connection between these things and his difficulty of trusting me on some levels, and his outbreaks of anger on general issues in the relationship, which can be frightening sometimes, or his self-destructive behaviour, even though that seems to be getting better.
It was only because the anger has recently been getting worse that I have been reading up on reasons for anger and aggression and self-destructive behaviour, and I came across the link with abuse, and I feel stupid now for not thinking about it myself, as maybe it means that I did not take what he told me seriously enough.
The one thing I find most difficult to deal with is his anger and really macho behaviour, usually when he feels insecure or rejected in some way. Thats when he says or does things that in my eyes devalue women, and starts my insecurities, and I find it hard to be understanding sometimes.
From what hes saying, it seems that he has only realized the extent of what happened to him when he was younger in the last year or two (hes 40). One thing that seems to have come up in connection with that is acting out, hes been experimenting with homosexual sex, bondage, humiliation and other things, and it seems to fascinate him, but leaves him with a feeling of self-loathing at the same time from what he says. When he first told me about these things a few months ago, I did not connect it with the abuse at all, and focused on telling him that I respected his experiences, desires etc, and that it didnt affect my love or respect for him, though it is important to me that he remains monogamous while were together, and he accepted this. Now, I am a bit more worried, as after reading on acting out I think partly he is trying to put himself in positions where he is abused again, and now he is asking me to get involved in that (not with anyone else, but he has been saying for a long time that he eventually would like me to penetrate him when weve known each other for longer). I was getting worried then, because he had told me that these experiences usually went with self-loathing, and was telling him that I would not want to do anything that made him feel bad, or anything that makes him associate our relationship with anything other than love, and that I wanted sex to be loving. He brought the topic up a lot though and said that he wanted to get rid of the feeling of self-loathing, and that he found the sensations themselves pleasurable, and that it would be different if I did it out of love. I have agreed to experiment eventually, if he really wants me to. He has also asked me to go to a swingers club with him, to be voyeuristic rather than to do anything, but I feel quite uncomfortable with the idea. Now I am wondering whether he is trying to get over any feelings of shame that he has because of the abuse by just challenging himself to numb himself about feelings of shame in general (not sure whether its clear what I mean) And Im not sure how to react to what he asks me to do. When its situations where I dont object to the actual act, I am still worried about then triggering the feelings of shame of self-loathing that might harm our relationship. And some things I just dont feel comfortable doing, and to be fair he accepts that, though he asks me to at least consider before I decide. I sort of have the feeling as he really appears to want it, I shouldnt deny him at least the things I feel reasonably comfortable with in themselves, because if he says he really wants them and I dont believe him, I would be patronizing him, and also I am worried that saying no might make him feel that I judge these things and might make him feel worse about himself.
I know he has to be the person who addresses what happened, and that I can only support, but the acting out if thats what it is needs some sort of response from me. Basically, I dont want to act in a way thats likely to hurt him or make him hate me for it in the end (or himself). Can anyone give me advice on this from their personal experience?
The other question is this: from what I read on this forum, most people trying to support their partners through healing have been together for years, sometimes it takes years of knowing a person to even find out about the abuse. Are there any other people who were confronted with this sort of situation really early in their relationships? Would people say that its possible to get through this sort of thing together when its still such a new relationship? I really love him, and would like to support him if I can. I hope I havent made it sound like our relationship is all about anger and negative emotions and acting out: there is a lot of love, and we can just have good times, too. And its not all one sided, he gives me a lot of love and affection, otherwise I dont think I could get through the times when he is just so angry. I just dont know what to do to help though, as at the moment he seems to be unwilling to directly deal with the issues himself, or seek help. Thanks so much for any advice on the whole situation!
) but joking aside there were other aspects of my vivid imagination that she could have become involved in.
