How to begin to help

[Lucretia1127]

I can't believe I am here, and I can't believe how long it took me to get to this place. Long long story. The end or the beginning is that I broke up with the other person, and I have been in therapy since October. I knew about his past, but since he didn't seem to think he was affected, I had no idea or inkling how this could have affected him. Not until now. It all makes a lot of sense to me. I assume he's in great denial (he is a 24-7 pot smoker). We never even talked of how this might have affected him and how it could affect our relationship. In the end I spent a lot of time angry with him, as if I wanted to get his attention and wake him up to the kind of life he was living. He must have had angels watching over him. I began to think of him as an accident about to happen. I began to fear for my safety. We haven't been on the greatest of terms since then, and recently I was surprised to have been triggered by hearing he was dating someone I knew, someone I identified with, someone who would have been as naive and trusting as I had been long ago. Although she didn't know him long, it was long enough to start seeing through the charade he puts on. And I know he's not aware of it. At least I don't think he is. Anyway, this trigger lead me to thinking more about his past. That he was SA by a friend of the family's during his teens, but as a younger child, he was beat daily by his father. Two strikes against him. Anyway, our paths do still cross, and I know we'll have a conversation some day, and I'm going to feel compelled to say something to him, I hope with great compassion, about coming to terms with his past, and that it will be good, he will come out the other side, better (he will, right?). I probably believe this more now, since I have found a very good therapist. I really believe he is worth it, in spite of the hardships I went through with him. I don't think he'll think therapy is an option as he has no health insurance and wouldn't be able to afford it. In what direction(s) can I steer him? How best to handle this? I know I can't do this for him, and I know I have to be mindful of not creating a state of codependency for myself. Because of my own issues, I need to keep a certain distance. But I can plant the seed, and I still care about him enough to do that. I know there is no one else in his life right now that can/will do this for him. And you know what, there never has been. Even himself. But he deserves this. And I know I also have no control over what he would do with this information, but I still would like to hand him a card, that he can play, anytime, when he's ready.

Thanks for listening.

With kind regards,
LC

 

[dwf]

Hello LC,

You wrote:

In what direction(s) can I steer him? How best to handle this? I know I can't do this for him, and I know I have to be mindful of not creating a state of codependency for myself.

You are asking some very good questions and even better starting from some very good knowledge about yourself and the pitfalls of codependency.

As for the question about what direction can you steer him, why not send him a simple email saying, I found this site very interesting and thought you might also. Then give him our address: www.malesurvivor.org

I was in therapy for a few years when my therapist finally suggested that I look online for resources for help with sexual abuse.

After visiting a couple of not so great sites, I came upon Male Survivor and have been here for a couple of years.

It has been a great help to me.

You are right that we can't do these things for the people we love; but we can plant the seed.

Sometimes I have to remember that I can't make the seed grow by obsessing over it or digging it up to see if it's sprouted yet! In my experience, that is very counter-productive, in gardening and in human relationships too!

Hope you find as much help and hope here as I have.

Regards,

 

[SAR]

Hi Lucretia,

I understand your compulsion to say something to your friend that will jump-start his healing. Your instincts are good when you say that you understand that you can't control what he does with the information you give him.

I have said before on this forum that therapy is not like a drug-- medicine will do its work in your body whether or not you want it to. The fact is-- "coming to terms" with the past, by talking, reading, thinking about it, doesn't work that way. It may make things better for him to do that. It may not.

The best advice I can give you is, whatever you decide to say to him-- and I agree that sending him here is a good idea-- say it once. Then let him go from there. If you are worried about getting too close or other boundary issues with this person, take a break from thinking about him, and decide, before you say anything to him, what your boundaries will be. For example, you may decide that you will not engage him in any talk about his current relationship, or you will not try to talk with him about this if he is high.

Take care,
SAR