How to ask for what you want

[Yves]

A friend and I have been talking recently about my inability to ask for what I want. I guess it's because I'm so afraid that my will and the things I want and need might push someone else away. While I allow everything to go on as my partner (Nick) wants it, everything becomes superficial, in some ways artificial. He tries so hard to please me, to make me happy, but what do I really want? I want everything to be natural, to feel and move and happen naturally..... not put on for show, no facades, no games, no illusions...... am I asking too much? Does this even exist? Is it possible? Lord, I'm tired of analyzing everything to death, but I need to find a way to move vertically instead of horizontally...... I need to find a way to get my feet out of the proverbial muck and on to at least some semi-solid ground......

My my my, I think I've rambled on long enough.........

~Yves

 

[BT]

This is a problem a lot of of us have or have had. This may sound like an over simplification, but I think it really boils down to learning that it is not only OK, but a normal and healthy thing to tell people what we want.

When we went through abuse we learned that what we wanted did not matter, and only the desires of the one abusing us mattered.

We have to take back our freedom to make our choices and embrace the right we have to live the life we want and share what we want with those around us.

It can be as simple as saying where you really want to go to dinner, rather than Oh I don't care, wherever you want to go... to the career we want to the home we want..

It is not as easy as I make is sound, but for me and quite a few others...this is a big deal...so keep up the work...

all my best
Brent.

 

[sophiesdad]

Yves:

I'll just echo what Brent said - that it's not that uncommon for us to be that way.

I remember one day after back operation #3 I was upstairs lying in bed in pain. I had just been a week out of the hospital. All of a sudden, I heard a lawnmower in the yard. I looked out the window and saw my neighbor mowing my grass for me. I felt terriby guilty and unworthy to have someone do something nice for me.

My wife brought me back to reality by saying that I really need to learn to accept that people like me and do things out of the goodness of their hearts. I remember feeling so stupid because I had a hard time accepting the fact that I am always helping other people, but never ask for help myself.

Well, enough of the parable.... try to take baby steps with Nick. Find something simple that you would enjoy that he can do for you. Even if it's something like fixing you breakfast in bed on a Saturday morning. And then, keep reminding yourself that not only do you deserve it, but he is doing this for you out of love. After all, wouldn't you do something nice for him?

Hope this helps.

SD

 

[Leosha]

Yves,

first, welcome back. It is very good to see your name here.

Asking what we want, yes, I think that is difficult because we believe, no matter what it is, we do not deserve it. It is something we have to practice at, like any decision making or change in our patterns.

Perhaps make small requests first? Or make simpler decisions? I don't know, it is hard. Because if you truly want something, THIS thing, you do not wish to put it up to a decision where the other person may choose the opposite, yes?

Do you write better then you speak? I mean, more easily, not better. Maybe if there is something you truly want, you want to do, somewhere you want to go, you could write it, and why, if you know, and hand it to him? I feel I am failing you miserably, but honest, I can not recall how I started to be able to get what I want. I had lived my life for so many other people for so long, the change has been slow, and I do not recall the steps I took, or if it has been a natural transition as I have healed more? Perhaps some of both.

Please know friend I wish you good luck, I wish you well, and I am glad to see you here among us again.

leosha