How much pushing is okay?

[lindts]

It's been about a year since my bf disclosed to me about SA. During a bad period btwn us, he took back his letters re the SA disclosure and said that he wished he never told me. I don't think he is getting any counselling currently either. He has never mentioned SA again as if it never happened. However, I have memories of the fun times before the disclosure, and an entire year of heartache, frustration, and anger to remind me of the SA. We love each other dearly and if challenges strengthen a relationship, heck, I feel like we are superglued at this point. He does his best to be in the relationship (i.e. calls every night even though he's not always up to calling) and I try to block any arguments or fights (pick my battles carefully) and keep the limited time we spend together fun. I can tell he appreciates it.
Right now, it seems like the best he can operate is to overly consume himself at work (even on weekends when noone is there), can't commit to anything past tomorrow, and is only able to spend approx 20 hrs worth of weekend time with me, after 3 1/2 yrs of dating. The rest is divided w/ his parents or by himself. Rarely with anyone else. He knows that I want to discuss our future. But anything past tomorrow causes him to have a pseudo-anxiety attack.
Question: Do I bring up the topic of the SA and whether he is currently getting any counselling? Should I initiate discussing our future, i.e. even just spending more time together each week? Hanging in the current holding pattern doesn't seem like any progress for the SA or the relationship, yet if he's doing the best he can, is it fair for me to ask more of him? I love him dearly, it's just the idea of going through this for another year w/o any progress is miserable. Yet he's undoubtably worth it if we have to.

 

[mrsunshineguy]

Hi lindts,

I would suggest no pushing at all. But that does not mean to not do anything, either. Real priority for you has to be taking care of you.

As a cautionary tale, my ex-girlfriend though she should push. She was a therapist, so I guess she figured she knew best. The key part of that was the term "ex."

Something that may be helpful from Al-Anon? (that is the friends and family part of Alco. Anon) They teach "You did not cause it. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it." Same in this domain.

I guess if some perspective would help about the future? He is probably so stuck on the past stuff, that the future you keep (from his perspective) obsessing over is just too much. Time gets strange before and during recovery. Yesterday becomes today and will be every tomorrow until the problems are resolved. However, that is one relief of recovery -- the timeline goes right.

My advice would be to back way off, and you get you help. That is OK, and will probably do far more for the situation than it may seem. A book you may like is "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis.