How much longer - - need advice

How much longer - - need advice
I

isadora

New Registrant
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years... his abuse has affected our entire relationship, mostly sexually. We've never slept together, and are very rarely intimate in any sort of way. He told me about the abuse a year into our relationship and things have only seemed to have gotten worse.

I'm starting to lose hope now... I love him so much but I don't know how much longer i'm supposed to sit around and wait for things to improve. A year ago he started doing group therapy (which he stopped) and he really liked it a lot. It didn't improve our situation, but it seemed to help him... after he stopped doing that he's kind of gone to random counselling sessions.

I just feel like... after all this time and no progression, what should I do? I love him so much, but I'm not happy. He doesn't get it. Getting better isn't a priority to him for some reason.

I've made him agree to see someone that specializes in sex therapy.. I thought it could be something that we could occasionally do as a couple too. I just feel like I need to be apart of something as well. I feel so helpless...

Is this a good idea? Should I just give up? Should I just keep waiting and hoping? Please help.
 
isadora,

I think the most important thing for someone in your position to keep in mind is that there comes a time when you need to take care of you. Having said that, I now need to say that only you can decide when and what that is. Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is

"Can I live the rest of my life this way?"

You might also want to consider laying it on the line with him what you are thinking and feeling.

As far as he is concerned, one of the hardest things for us as survivors to face is the fear of the unknown. We are required to face certain challenges if we want to proceed in our recovery. Those challenges are many times to scary to contemplate so we remain stuck. Seems to me that is where he is right now.

Just some thoughts. Hope it helps somehow.

Lots of love,

John
 
Isadora,

This one hits me right between the eyes. I was abused from the age of 11 until 14, and what was left of me after that I proceeded to wreck in drink and drugs. That faded when I got into my academic pursuits (I am a teacher), but I didn't really start to come out of denial and face what had happened to me until about 5-6 years ago (I will be 57 next week).

As I came to accept and put the pieces together, I quickly became incapable of having sex with my wife. It's not a failure of the equipment, nor do I identify sex as bad, dirty, or anything like that. What happens is that as an intimate opportunity approaches my head fills with images of things that were done to me, or things I was forced to do, as a boy. My therapist tells me that many of these things were sadistic rather than sexual.

I can only say that your boyfriend definitely needs professional help. I at first hated the idea of going to a T; it made me feel even more "unmanly" and weak. But I came to see that the need for therapy doesn't reflect the weakness of the survivor, it reflects how terrible sexual abuse of a child is. Your bf should understand that. This is definitely not something that a survivor can "fix" on his own.

He should also understand that it isn't fair to expect you to sacrifice your own life and need for fulfillment because of his abuse history. I wouldn't put it to him as an ultimatum, but he needs to know that the way things are can't be the basis for a stable relationship and it is unlikely that you would be able to accept it as such indefinitely.

Much love,
Larry
 
Isadora,
I do feel for your situation. My girlfriend would also. It is incredibly difficult to sit on the side lines while some you love struggles to get his life ...not back, but just find his life.

Many of us literally felt that life was being ripped from us. Depending on the extent of his abuse and other factors, parts of his personality have never formed. In many cases it is a matter of not knowing how versus not wanting to. It is all way too complicated for this forum.

In terms of you. First, you will not be able to force your boyfriend into recovery. He will have to make that decision and will not make it until he is strong enough to work through the muck. Second, as John stated above, you have to do what is right for you. It could ne 10 years or 50 years before he deals with his past. You have no control over that. You can only control the choices that involve you.

If you do confront him, please take ownership of your feelings with lots of "I fee", "I want", "I need". If you start with a bunch of "you must" he is going to feel abused again and just disappear.

Hope this helps.

Danny
 
Hi

I think what kept me in my relationship at times when it was really tough was the fact that I had a real sense that we heading in the same direction and wanted the same things out of our lifes together. ie; a sex life, honesty, equality, fun, kids etc...even if the time scales were not what either of us would have picked.

Someone has already said it but if you feel you can't live your life like this and there is no sense that you are heading towards similar goals maybe it is time to rethink. You have lots of options that don't just include complete and everlasting seperation.

Good luck

Tracy
 
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