How Much Detail is Too Much Detail?

How Much Detail is Too Much Detail?
S

Syntaxed

Registrant
As I mentioned in another thread, I emailed my mother last night and got somewhat harsh with her. I told her that her violent abuse of my brother conditioned me to be quiet and stay out of her way and that I resented her for not standing up for me to my grandfather, who I blame a lot for my abuse for his refusal to be the father figure I was seeking.

Anyway, I was telling my wife last night that I had vented slightly to her, but had not given her details of the abuse. My wife told me that I needed to give her the details completely. My mother has apologized for not being there while I was being abused, but my wife says that if she doesn't understand completely what happened to me, then she can't apologize.

She wants me to basically print out my blog and mail it to her and let the chips fall where they may.

Interestingly, I have shared my blog, with all the gory details, with my mother in law, who I feel loves me like her own sons.

But I think I'm afraid of sharing the details with my mother because she once told me that she thought I'd basically asked for the abused by putting myself in the position and then going back, you know, basically affirming what I already believed. I'm afraid, I think, that she will do that again.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Thank you.

Chris
 
Chris,

I gather from you posts concerning your mother that she has not exactly been a supportive individual, either when you were growing up, or as an adult trying to deal with your abuse. If it were me, I don't think I'd waste the time and energy on telling her much of anything.

Stop and think about it for a minute. Do you feel anything you say at this point going to really have any effect on her attitude toward you? You say yourself that you feel she will remain unchanged.

She sounds like one of those toxic relatives to me. Frankly I don't think she can help you in your recovery, but would more than likely be a hindrance to it.

Value your mother in law and other's who support you. They will be the source of your greatest support and help over the months. Anything else will simply detract from your healing.

Just my $0.02 worth.

Lots of love,

John
 
Could not agree more with John. My mother is completely unsupportive, highly toxic - a borderline, and boy can she subtly unhinge me. I would steer clear of anyone who is potentially damaging. Protect yourself.

It feels like this parental affirmation has to be sought, but why does it? Why do you need an apology? Do you really believe you will get one? It took me a lot of years of abuse from my mother to realize that it's society that condemns breaking ties with parents. But on a rational level, if someone is toxic, avoid that person, whomever it is. I couldn't care a less if my mother apologizes to me. I just want her to stay the heck out of my way, and honestly wish for her the best on her own painful life journey.

Alex
 
I'm glad you were able to get kind of tough with your mother. I wish I didn't, but I have way too much experience on this one. I just posted a letter of my own to my mother over on the Members side. It was the angriest I've ever been with her. My letter had some other stuff in it, though, that my brothers here said might not be good to give my mom as ammo. So I haven't sent it yet.

Our mothers are in the position of having to take a side, because as sick as they are and as sick as everything in their family is, they love their kids. Well, actually my mom wouldn't know love if it came up and smacked her, but you know what I mean. She feels this bond--whatever. My sister is evil incarnate, but my mom will believe anything she says and have her over and go visit, because that's what sick moms do.

So I guess what I'm saying is, what is it that you're hoping your mother will do? And do you think it is in her capacity to do or feel that? We can't get good fruit off a rotten tree. If my mother was incapable of showing love to a little boy, it's not going to magically change now. That's why I still want to send my letter. It's basically slamming the door on my mom. She's shown me that her perfect, happy little world is far more important to her that truth or reality or actually loving her son.

So if it's an apology we're looking for or some warm fuzzy place in our cold prickly family.... Or is it that we don't even want them around anymore and they need to hurt as much as we have? What is it we really want?

That's the hard part.

I feel for you. I hope you have success with your mom. I haven't.
 
Chris,

This business of "how much detail" is something I struggled with last year when I was preparing to disclose to my parents. I'd like to share with you what I learned from that, as I found it really was important.

First of all, if you are disclosing to someone with the idea they will help you, then you need to give them what a T of mine called a "plausible framework". That is, you need to give them enough information and details to enable them to process the problem intellectually and emotionally. If they cannot do this, how can they help?

By "plausible framework" my T said she meant the following information:

1) What age were you when the abuse began?
2) How long did it last?
3) "How bad" was it?
4) Who was the abuser?
5) If you are disclosing to parents, the issue of whether it occurred in their home will be important too.

I shuddered at the thought of giving up nos. 3 and 4, but my T helped me with that. She made me see that I didn't have to discuss the details, just give some idea of what happened. In my case I told my parents "everything you can imagine and some things you can't".

The name of the abuser was rough, but my T argued that it was essential. If I could not tell them that, then every time they saw someone whom they knew from the early sixties they would be thinking, "Is this one THE ONE?"

I think it's best to disclose orally, rather than in a written text, and that brings me to the other consideration you should think about.

All the thoughts and memories you have about abuse are deeply personal property of yours. This is YOUR information! It doesn't belong to anyone else. And as you decide who to tell and what you will tell them, you begin to empower yourself. YOU and no one else will determine who knows what.

But once you tell someone, that information is no longer just yours. Who else hears it and how much they hear now depends on someone else too. If the wrong person gets the information and begins to spread it around, or to misrepresent it, then you will feel betrayed, disempowered and defenseless all over again. Just like when you were a boy. That can be VERY harmful.

In disclosing information it's tempting to think, "Oh fuck it, I didn't do anything wrong and I don't care if X knows the whole story." That is, it's tempting to use disclosure of information as a way of proving how strong and courageous we are.

I think that's a dangerous and erroneous way to look at this. Far better would be to think, "Okay, if I disclose information to X, what do I gain for my recovery? How will this help me?" Then disclose just the information required to get that response.

If I were you I would certainly not give my blog to my mother. A blog is a personal document and you probably intended it just for your own eyes. It might be a BRAVE gesture to just drop the whole thing in front of your mother, but would it HELP you? It might overwhelm and upset her to get it all at once like that. And later you might regret disclosing so much all at one go.

There is always time later to tell more if it seems appropriate and useful. But once information is "out there", it can't be fetched back and it's no longer you who owns it.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you for your replies.

I want to follow up on this, though, because I think I may have miscommunicated my intent (in fact, I know I did). I am not seeking an apology from my mother (although that would be a nice bonus). I take my wife's counsel most of the time, and her thoughts on this are that I need to be able to speak out and tell her (my mother) what happened to me, since I didn't feel safe doing that as a child. I also need to make it clear to her, my wife thinks, that her abuse of my brother made telling her impossible. In other words, I need to place the blame for this where it belongs: at the feet of my mother, my grandfather and my abuser(s).

Your responses have been wonderful, and I'd love to hear (read) your thoughts after this clarification.

Thanks.

Chris
 
Chris,

I would still be careful as to how much information you give your mother, especially at first. If she responds in some positive way and you begin to feel safer with her, then you can always tell her more later.

In light of what you say in your post above, I would say tell her the basic framework of your story and include information on why you feel she is responsible for your problems. She needs to know how you feel and how badly you have been hurt by her, but I would tread carefully in giving her details until you are sure she can be trusted with them.

Have you read Ken Singer's article on disclosure here on this site? It's very good.

Much love,
Larry
 
Chris, my post still stands. As do most of these responses I think. The point is that toxic and potentially abusive (even mentally so, which is an underrated killer) people are best avoided, no matter who they are, unless you feel entirely stable and protected and that this is what YOU must do for yourself.

One thing that does concern me tho is that you consistently refer to what your wife thinks should happen or would help. Be very aware that no matter how much you talk or how compassionate and empathetic she is, she can't possibly REALLY imagine what it's like to be you. My wife used to continually suggest that I confront my mother. She meant it in the best way, and did it with love and compassion. But there was no way she could know the stark terror that ran through my heart at the mere thought of confronting my mother. And when I finally did, and disclose, she shut me down instantly. Not outwardly abusively, but softly, gently and conclusively she made it clear that she would take no ownership of fault or even responsibility in this matter. End of story. Are you prepared for a combative reaction? An abusive reaction? A minimizing or evasive reaction? This is what you need to ask yourself. As well, again, as what is the point FOR YOU.

good luck and lots of love,

Alex
 
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