How Long Will I Cry? Is It My Sin?
highflight
Registrant
Kevin, this was so great to read today. Thank you for sharing. I hope that his words sink in. ...he has nothing to absolve you from.
How Long Will I Cry? Is It My Sin?
- Thread starterKMCINVA
- Start date
Guys thank you. Your words mean much to me. We also talked about my brother Brian and the guilt I carry. He said you went back and took the abuse believing you were protecting your brother. He said I did what a good and caring person would do. He said if the priest lied and hurt my brother it was not my fault. He asked is my brother at rest and peace now. I said yes. He told me to hold onto to those thoughts and to remember I was a child and even then I thought of others above myself. This is a very hard one for me because his life flashes in front of me. I guess the priest is right. I was a child and thought I was protecting him and I need to accept he is at peace now.
So much is intertwined in the abuse for me. It is like a big jigsaw puzzle and I am still looking for the pieces to make the puzzle whole.
Thank you and with the beautiful weather I found some peaceful sleep. I guess the upside of exhaustion is sleep eventually comes. Still numb and sadness comes but my thoughts are clearer.
Kevin
So much is intertwined in the abuse for me. It is like a big jigsaw puzzle and I am still looking for the pieces to make the puzzle whole.
Thank you and with the beautiful weather I found some peaceful sleep. I guess the upside of exhaustion is sleep eventually comes. Still numb and sadness comes but my thoughts are clearer.
Kevin
What could you do today that may make you feel happy for a bit?
I'm not a reliable correspondent here, but others have certainly been doing their best to bring you into the fold of survivors and out of the fog and bog of victims. You deserve to take the time and the space you need to take care of what troubles all of us so profoundly; shame, guilt, isolation, loneliness. Remember you are worthy of love. You deserve to be treated with respect.
What could you do today that may make you happy?
I'm not a reliable correspondent here, but others have certainly been doing their best to bring you into the fold of survivors and out of the fog and bog of victims. You deserve to take the time and the space you need to take care of what troubles all of us so profoundly; shame, guilt, isolation, loneliness. Remember you are worthy of love. You deserve to be treated with respect.
What could you do today that may make you happy?
Today I did something I had not planned. Intochange I am not sure if it made me happy but it did not leave me sad. I guess this better than overall sadness.
I kept thinking of the priests words yesterday at Georgetown, The Year of Mercy. I decided to go to the Basilica today. I arrived a little past 11:00 am. Parked my car where I had a few weekends ago for the SNAP gathering. I walked slowly toward the Basilica which is elevated above the street level. I stared at the daunting building. My mind kept hearing the priests words from yesterday. Imagery ran through my mind. I must have stood there for some time, my phone battery is dead, so I had no way of telling time. I saw people entering and leaving. I was somewhat mesmerized and unable to move for a time. Thinking and thinking would this really help me. I finally, slowly and when I say slowly I mean slowly began to walk toward the stairs to the Basilica. I made my way up and for some reason I froze. I thought of the priests words the Holy Door of Mercy. I began to ask myself the question, what color is this door, how big is the door. The big brown door that haunted me came to lifeit was the door to the church cellar where it all happened. I felt panic, is it brown, is it big am I entering into an abyss once again. Why did the thought take over my mind?
The priest at Georgetown told me the door was immediately inside the vestibule. I stared as the main door opened and shut as people came and went. I wanted to get a glimpse of the door that I would stand by. I could not see it. I kept staring in and finally I could not see it. I sat down on the stairs. I kept thinking, no harm will come if I go in and it looks like the big brown door. My mind was working against me I think. I sat and thought. I decided to walk around and make sense of why I was so scared. Afraid of something I did not know. I walked and I walked thinking about a time I had been in the Basilica. A cousin was ordained there many years ago. I tried to remember the inside but I could only remember the altar. I had been last inside in 2004. I struggled and could remember the altar but not the entry or leaving. I needed to know. I sat on the stairs, the stone wall, I walked the sidewalk and side lots, I walked to Catholic University. I kept returning to the base of the stairs. I was sitting on the stone wall and a priest approached me. I was afraid he thought I was stalking the place. He was pleasant and younger than me. He asked did I want to go in. I said I am not sure. He asked my name, where I was from and why was I here. The first two questions were easy to answer. The third one I stumbled on. I said something like I need to resolve something that has bothered me for many years. He was kind and asked if he could help. He had given me his name and I said Father, then realized maybe he was more than a Father, maybe a Monsignor. He said Father is alright. I think he could see I was nervous. He said he had seen me looking around during the day. I asked what time was it. He said 3:47 and I said I did not realize I had been her that long. He said you must have some troubling thoughts about the Church. I said to myself you have no idea how troubled my thoughts are. He asked what brought me here today? I thought if I tell him about yesterday and my meeting with the Jesuit I would have to tell him everything. I said the Year of Mercy. He started to talk about its importance and reconciling people with people and people with the Church. He said the Church wants to reconcile with those who have been hurt by the Church. He said the victims of abuse and those turned away for other reasons. He asked me what was I looking for in Mercy. I just said reconciliation. He asked with whom. I thought if I said myself he would wonder why. Well I said it.
He said what caused you to feel this need. I thought if I started talking about me and the child within he would think I was crazy. Because I know people who would say just that. He did not push and asked could he take me into the church. I thought and I do not know why, one of the last priests that took me into a Church was the one who abused me. I said thank you but not now. We talked some more about the neighborhood and how it changed. I told him years ago I stayed at the Oblate Seminary for a few weeks when I worked in DC. It is directly across from the Basilica. He said it closed almost 20 years ago. The building looked vacant. He asked where did I work then? I said Georgetown University.
We talked and somewhere along the way I asked a bizarre question, what color is the Holy Door of Mercy. He said brown and I asked light or dark brown. He said maybe in the middle. I asked is it big and tall. He said yes but it was a double door and I thought mine was a single door. He looked puzzled and I would also have been puzzled if someone asked me these questions. He asked why was the color so important. I finally gave up and told him there is a big brown door in a Church in Connecticut that led me to very unsafe and horrible place. He said he was sorry to hear that. He did not pry but we talked. I finally told him what happened. By then he probably could not understand a word I was sobbing. He extended his hand and said something like child you did nothing wrong. You were harmed and it is not the big brown door you should be afraid of and the man who did it cannot hurt you anymore. I told him it was a priest and he said he suspected it by my reactions.
We talked about yesterday and how sorry he was and he could see the pain I was in. He said my face shows pain. I then told him about Georgetown and he said those Jesuits are a wise bunch, we laughed. He said he is correct that I need to embrace the child I left behind years ago. I thought to myself my self-proclaimed wise family would classify him along with the other experts as idiots, the child within a bunch of bull they would say. I asked how do you know about the child. He said many priests and many people especially those that suffered are saddened by what happened and we want to reach out help those who suffer. He said he has met many victims and he is saddened at how the abuse impacted their lives from addictions, mental illness and hearing families blame the church for the suicide of a loved one. He says he now understands my fears.
I said I want to embrace and I can see myself embracing the child. I tried to change the subject and I said I thought when you came over you thought I was a stalker and were going to ask me to leave or call the police. He smiled and said that never entered his mind. He said he could see something in my face as I walked around looking at the Basilica. I said thank you for not have me arrested he laughed.
He asked if I wanted to go in. I said I am not sure. He said he understood and when I was ready to give him a call and he would be there. I joked and said I cannot call. My phone is dead so I have been without contact for almost 24 hours. He laughed. I asked him what time it was and he said almost 4:30. I asked when did the Basilica close. He said 6:00. He said he would pray for me and asked me to remember that priest is not the Church, that I am the Church and my faith and how I feel are mine. I thanked him and he said remember he is here when I am ready.
Well I sat and stared and next thing I knew they were closing the doors. I must be 6:00 pm and now I could go nowhere because traffic would be horrendous. I sat a little longer, the sun was gone and the lights were on. I continued to stare at the building thinking about the door, would I ever walk through it and embrace the child. I thought of the child within and wondered what he was thinking these two days as I spoke about the past? I hope the child is beginning to understand I want him to be part of me.
Another day I did not work, but then I would not have worked anyway because my mind and heart would have been struggling and fighting. Tomorrow I have to work. I have to show vacant homes to a client beginning at 7:30 and hope we finally find what he has been looking for and then 20 miles from there I have to meet someone about listing their home. I hope this is a turning point. I know when I focus I can get things done and be productive. But the last year or so has been a challenge. I struggle and two weeks ago I had a few days of strength and it turns into positive activity. I wish people would let me heal and not constantly derail any progress made. They will deny their stories, tales and abandonment derail healing for they are in denial of many issues. Strange I could not confirm with phone today my appointments and tomorrow I will not be able to, we are so dependent on these smart phones. I felt good, no disturbance and could not even check emails. It kept me focused on me and mercy. And tomorrow I will not be able to get a battery until late afternoon with all I have to do. So another day without a phone. Maybe disconnecting is the answer. It is very late now, I sat longer than I thought at the Basilica, when I returned to the car it was almost 9:00 pm. I needed to stop at the gym to shower.
I am pleased to see how kind the priests have been to me and more importantly their understanding and compassion. They understand how the victim suffers why do others not see our pain and suffering? I know there are priests who would be in denial like many. When my Mom died I learned I was lucky it was not the pastor who came for he marches to the beat of the hierarchy. I have been fortunate.
I guess today was not meant to be the day to embrace all of me. It is late and the office is long closed and I must move on for the night.
I kept thinking of the priests words yesterday at Georgetown, The Year of Mercy. I decided to go to the Basilica today. I arrived a little past 11:00 am. Parked my car where I had a few weekends ago for the SNAP gathering. I walked slowly toward the Basilica which is elevated above the street level. I stared at the daunting building. My mind kept hearing the priests words from yesterday. Imagery ran through my mind. I must have stood there for some time, my phone battery is dead, so I had no way of telling time. I saw people entering and leaving. I was somewhat mesmerized and unable to move for a time. Thinking and thinking would this really help me. I finally, slowly and when I say slowly I mean slowly began to walk toward the stairs to the Basilica. I made my way up and for some reason I froze. I thought of the priests words the Holy Door of Mercy. I began to ask myself the question, what color is this door, how big is the door. The big brown door that haunted me came to lifeit was the door to the church cellar where it all happened. I felt panic, is it brown, is it big am I entering into an abyss once again. Why did the thought take over my mind?
The priest at Georgetown told me the door was immediately inside the vestibule. I stared as the main door opened and shut as people came and went. I wanted to get a glimpse of the door that I would stand by. I could not see it. I kept staring in and finally I could not see it. I sat down on the stairs. I kept thinking, no harm will come if I go in and it looks like the big brown door. My mind was working against me I think. I sat and thought. I decided to walk around and make sense of why I was so scared. Afraid of something I did not know. I walked and I walked thinking about a time I had been in the Basilica. A cousin was ordained there many years ago. I tried to remember the inside but I could only remember the altar. I had been last inside in 2004. I struggled and could remember the altar but not the entry or leaving. I needed to know. I sat on the stairs, the stone wall, I walked the sidewalk and side lots, I walked to Catholic University. I kept returning to the base of the stairs. I was sitting on the stone wall and a priest approached me. I was afraid he thought I was stalking the place. He was pleasant and younger than me. He asked did I want to go in. I said I am not sure. He asked my name, where I was from and why was I here. The first two questions were easy to answer. The third one I stumbled on. I said something like I need to resolve something that has bothered me for many years. He was kind and asked if he could help. He had given me his name and I said Father, then realized maybe he was more than a Father, maybe a Monsignor. He said Father is alright. I think he could see I was nervous. He said he had seen me looking around during the day. I asked what time was it. He said 3:47 and I said I did not realize I had been her that long. He said you must have some troubling thoughts about the Church. I said to myself you have no idea how troubled my thoughts are. He asked what brought me here today? I thought if I tell him about yesterday and my meeting with the Jesuit I would have to tell him everything. I said the Year of Mercy. He started to talk about its importance and reconciling people with people and people with the Church. He said the Church wants to reconcile with those who have been hurt by the Church. He said the victims of abuse and those turned away for other reasons. He asked me what was I looking for in Mercy. I just said reconciliation. He asked with whom. I thought if I said myself he would wonder why. Well I said it.
He said what caused you to feel this need. I thought if I started talking about me and the child within he would think I was crazy. Because I know people who would say just that. He did not push and asked could he take me into the church. I thought and I do not know why, one of the last priests that took me into a Church was the one who abused me. I said thank you but not now. We talked some more about the neighborhood and how it changed. I told him years ago I stayed at the Oblate Seminary for a few weeks when I worked in DC. It is directly across from the Basilica. He said it closed almost 20 years ago. The building looked vacant. He asked where did I work then? I said Georgetown University.
We talked and somewhere along the way I asked a bizarre question, what color is the Holy Door of Mercy. He said brown and I asked light or dark brown. He said maybe in the middle. I asked is it big and tall. He said yes but it was a double door and I thought mine was a single door. He looked puzzled and I would also have been puzzled if someone asked me these questions. He asked why was the color so important. I finally gave up and told him there is a big brown door in a Church in Connecticut that led me to very unsafe and horrible place. He said he was sorry to hear that. He did not pry but we talked. I finally told him what happened. By then he probably could not understand a word I was sobbing. He extended his hand and said something like child you did nothing wrong. You were harmed and it is not the big brown door you should be afraid of and the man who did it cannot hurt you anymore. I told him it was a priest and he said he suspected it by my reactions.
We talked about yesterday and how sorry he was and he could see the pain I was in. He said my face shows pain. I then told him about Georgetown and he said those Jesuits are a wise bunch, we laughed. He said he is correct that I need to embrace the child I left behind years ago. I thought to myself my self-proclaimed wise family would classify him along with the other experts as idiots, the child within a bunch of bull they would say. I asked how do you know about the child. He said many priests and many people especially those that suffered are saddened by what happened and we want to reach out help those who suffer. He said he has met many victims and he is saddened at how the abuse impacted their lives from addictions, mental illness and hearing families blame the church for the suicide of a loved one. He says he now understands my fears.
I said I want to embrace and I can see myself embracing the child. I tried to change the subject and I said I thought when you came over you thought I was a stalker and were going to ask me to leave or call the police. He smiled and said that never entered his mind. He said he could see something in my face as I walked around looking at the Basilica. I said thank you for not have me arrested he laughed.
He asked if I wanted to go in. I said I am not sure. He said he understood and when I was ready to give him a call and he would be there. I joked and said I cannot call. My phone is dead so I have been without contact for almost 24 hours. He laughed. I asked him what time it was and he said almost 4:30. I asked when did the Basilica close. He said 6:00. He said he would pray for me and asked me to remember that priest is not the Church, that I am the Church and my faith and how I feel are mine. I thanked him and he said remember he is here when I am ready.
Well I sat and stared and next thing I knew they were closing the doors. I must be 6:00 pm and now I could go nowhere because traffic would be horrendous. I sat a little longer, the sun was gone and the lights were on. I continued to stare at the building thinking about the door, would I ever walk through it and embrace the child. I thought of the child within and wondered what he was thinking these two days as I spoke about the past? I hope the child is beginning to understand I want him to be part of me.
Another day I did not work, but then I would not have worked anyway because my mind and heart would have been struggling and fighting. Tomorrow I have to work. I have to show vacant homes to a client beginning at 7:30 and hope we finally find what he has been looking for and then 20 miles from there I have to meet someone about listing their home. I hope this is a turning point. I know when I focus I can get things done and be productive. But the last year or so has been a challenge. I struggle and two weeks ago I had a few days of strength and it turns into positive activity. I wish people would let me heal and not constantly derail any progress made. They will deny their stories, tales and abandonment derail healing for they are in denial of many issues. Strange I could not confirm with phone today my appointments and tomorrow I will not be able to, we are so dependent on these smart phones. I felt good, no disturbance and could not even check emails. It kept me focused on me and mercy. And tomorrow I will not be able to get a battery until late afternoon with all I have to do. So another day without a phone. Maybe disconnecting is the answer. It is very late now, I sat longer than I thought at the Basilica, when I returned to the car it was almost 9:00 pm. I needed to stop at the gym to shower.
I am pleased to see how kind the priests have been to me and more importantly their understanding and compassion. They understand how the victim suffers why do others not see our pain and suffering? I know there are priests who would be in denial like many. When my Mom died I learned I was lucky it was not the pastor who came for he marches to the beat of the hierarchy. I have been fortunate.
I guess today was not meant to be the day to embrace all of me. It is late and the office is long closed and I must move on for the night.
woodenshoes
Registrant
Kevin
Glad to see you have figured out somethings. You deserve nothing but healing. Keep moving forward we are here to catch you if you stumble. I hope you have luck today selling and listing.
Take care my thoughts and prayers are for you.
Ws
Glad to see you have figured out somethings. You deserve nothing but healing. Keep moving forward we are here to catch you if you stumble. I hope you have luck today selling and listing.
Take care my thoughts and prayers are for you.
Ws
WS
Figuring out somethings--not sure but feels better. I am trying and it seems many things make sense and then all of a sudden they seem like nonsense. Today went well with work, no contracts but good possibilities. I am focusing on the positive and trying to find the silver linings. As many have said to me, what you think or feel expands. So if I think and feel good or positive I hope in expands to new and happier times.
Being busy helps but as I drove and looked around, seeing a church or priest walking causes me to pause and the thoughts enter my mind. I found myself when alone thinking of the child within, how I left him because of what someone did to him and me. I know this connection needs to be made and I cannot let others derail me, trigger and push me back.
I appreciate your support and hopefully I will not stumble and have to be picked up once again.
Take care of yourself.
Kevin
Figuring out somethings--not sure but feels better. I am trying and it seems many things make sense and then all of a sudden they seem like nonsense. Today went well with work, no contracts but good possibilities. I am focusing on the positive and trying to find the silver linings. As many have said to me, what you think or feel expands. So if I think and feel good or positive I hope in expands to new and happier times.
Being busy helps but as I drove and looked around, seeing a church or priest walking causes me to pause and the thoughts enter my mind. I found myself when alone thinking of the child within, how I left him because of what someone did to him and me. I know this connection needs to be made and I cannot let others derail me, trigger and push me back.
I appreciate your support and hopefully I will not stumble and have to be picked up once again.
Take care of yourself.
Kevin
woodenshoes
Registrant
((((((((kevin)))))))))
Please close your eyes and take a look at that little boy you were. Standing at the end of the sidewalk. Keep your eyes closed and go to that little boy. Tell him you are not going to hurt him but you wish to take him by the hand. Reach out to that little boy and tell him you want to help and protect him. Take by the hand to your safe place and picture yourself explaining you only want to keep him safe. That is all you want. Tell him that you love him and you will keep him safe forever. That little boy is you. This is a exercise i did with my therapist and it gave me a sense there is someone looking after that little boy who is me.
I hope you find the strength to keep positive. You are so worth it. I treasure your impute here. I wish i could come and show you how much we care. Kevin be kind to yourself and take all the time you need but we will be here for you.
Ws
Please close your eyes and take a look at that little boy you were. Standing at the end of the sidewalk. Keep your eyes closed and go to that little boy. Tell him you are not going to hurt him but you wish to take him by the hand. Reach out to that little boy and tell him you want to help and protect him. Take by the hand to your safe place and picture yourself explaining you only want to keep him safe. That is all you want. Tell him that you love him and you will keep him safe forever. That little boy is you. This is a exercise i did with my therapist and it gave me a sense there is someone looking after that little boy who is me.
I hope you find the strength to keep positive. You are so worth it. I treasure your impute here. I wish i could come and show you how much we care. Kevin be kind to yourself and take all the time you need but we will be here for you.
Ws
Thank you so much for the support. Tonight I met with a lawyer from CT who have have spoken with about for what I could do with the Diocese. They brought me together with other victims/survivors of the perp. Statute of limitations and sadly the damage he did to them makes it difficult to take it to a tribunal. I am ok with that and just want them to heal and overcome. They have suffered more than me. He brought me up to date on the abuser and the other survivors. He said right now there is little change. I accept it. We talked about other things and I felt better. He said when he left, he wished he could take away my pain and that anyone who has never suffered this should do all they could to take it away.
I was first surprised he called to meet because he had no obligation. I am so thankful. It was a great meal and seeing the compassion from a lawyer is so wonderful. He said call anytime to talk. He has dealt with many cases and I believe he knows the pain of those who suffered.
It has been kind of a surreal week for me. I hope tomorrow brings something more. Time to say good night and to find a place to sleep. Thank you for everything.
I cried throughout the dinner. I cannot stop.
Kevin
I was first surprised he called to meet because he had no obligation. I am so thankful. It was a great meal and seeing the compassion from a lawyer is so wonderful. He said call anytime to talk. He has dealt with many cases and I believe he knows the pain of those who suffered.
It has been kind of a surreal week for me. I hope tomorrow brings something more. Time to say good night and to find a place to sleep. Thank you for everything.
I cried throughout the dinner. I cannot stop.
Kevin
woodenshoes
Registrant
(((((kevin))))))
Stay strong brother. I hope you find a safe place to lay your head. I hope and prayer for good things for you. I glad your feeling stronger. Kevin keep safe.
Woodenshoes
Stay strong brother. I hope you find a safe place to lay your head. I hope and prayer for good things for you. I glad your feeling stronger. Kevin keep safe.
Woodenshoes
Thank you WS.
Yesterday I had sort of an awakening. About a year ago a contact I had met called to sell several of his homes. I checked on the homes and he was the owner. I asked why he wanted to sell and he said he needed the funds to buy one home to bring his wife home from an assisted living facility and to provide care for her. She has Alzheimer's. He was sharp, knew his properties and the market. I went to meet him, he had all his papers in order and we continued to talk, agreed to price and other terms. I said this other person on the title for two of the properties needs to sign also. He said no problem it was his son. He had me call him. I spoke with the son who explained to me the father has dementia and possibly early signs of Alzheimer's and had to be declared incompetent to handle his finances. The father has a court appointed guardian. I was shocked, because this man in his early 70's was articulate and knowledgeable.
Yesterday I was out showing all day and returned to the office around 2:30 to pick up papers for a 4:00 pm meeting. I was there for a short bit and someone came and said he just put a man in the conference room because he was here to meet me. He had found the man trying to get into the main office on the first floor which was closed. I went to the conference room and this man was there. He calls me periodically to ask how the sale of his homes are going, pleasant chat. I do not mind I feel for him. I went to the conference room and we talked and I asked how did he get here. He said he drove and I know he is not suppose to be driving. He said he has been calling me for a few days and did not hear from me. He lives about 15 miles from my office I told him my phone was not working. He said he was worried something had happened. He wanted to know if his son signed the contract. I said no and maybe we need to call him. Do you have his number. He gives me his phone and I get the number and call. The son apologizes and I said do not worry. I told him his father was alright. He said how could he drive because the son had the car keys. The son said he would be there shortly.
I waited and knew I would never make the 4:00 pm appointment because I could not leave him alone. I called and said one of my client's had a medical emergency and I have to wait with him until family arrives. Not a good conversation so maybe the meeting was not meant to be. Will see when I call to reschedule.
The son and his wife came. The son asked how did you drive. The father laughed and said you thought you could lock me in by taking the car keys but I have copies. The father became agitated and the conversation changed tone and then the father shrank into a very quiet state. He was confused like at the end of our first meeting. I told the son he calls every so often. The son looked at the father's phone and I was not in the phone book. I said he must have the number written down. I told the son I do not mind him calling and I feel bad he came here because he could not reach me. The son's wife told me the doctor's believes the father is showing signs of Alzheimer's. I thought, both parents with the disease--the mother diagnosed at 67 and the father is now 73. They were appreciative and honestly I was happy he was safe.
It made me realize this man is fighting to control his life but his mind is working against him. He wants so desperately to be with his wife. Sadly, they will probably be together in the facility in the near future. The son says the mother does not remember any of the family except from time to time she knows her sister.
It made me realize how powerful the mind is, it controls beyond what we know. All the synapses, neurons, hormones are at play. When they work as they should the person is in control and happy. But too many times something begins to misfire, hormones become imbalanced and the neurons have been wired incorrectly. This man does not control or have the ability to change his destiny without a miracle. I thought of myself how my synapses and neurons have been wired from the abuse and triggers to feel as I do. These emotions impact the balance of hormones and chemicals--causing messages to be sent to me of my unworthiness and guilt and shame. So much more, too simplistic. But if science is right I can change the thinking through neuroplasticity which allows me to rewire the brain so my thoughts change. Why can't I stay on a path to make the change? I also thought, I do not want to end the memories of the abuse through any form of dementia, but before than so I can live life.
The family left but not before a small battle. The father wanted to drive the car and would not give up the key. The son's wife was able to get the key and she would drive the father-in-law home in his car and the son would follow in his car. The son and daughter-in-law kept apologizing. I said stop it, your father is doing the best he can and he is pleasure to talk with. As they were leaving the father said, Kevin I will get my son to sign the contract so we can get it sold and bring my wife home. It made me sad. He remembers his wife so well at times but cannot understand he cannot take care of himself and he soon will need full time care. I said let me know when you have it signed.
It put a perspective on life. How short life is. I still look back and say how he had such lucid moments and a memory and within minutes it was gone. Sometimes I wish my memory of the abuse and triggers were gone but now I know they never will be. I must live with them, accept them and rewire my thoughts so the mind begins to fire and snap in a way the brings joy and happiness. I also realize many would have dismissed this man but we never know what silent attacks are occurring within the mind or body. We need to show compassion and kindness. I reflect on my life and when I began to have flashbacks, nightmares, syncope, dissociation I wish I had people by me who gave me kindness, love and understanding. My world may have been different today. This man needs that support and I believe his family is there for him. I have the son's number and will check in periodically to see how he is doing.
I learned a valuable lesson yesterday.
Kevin
Yesterday I had sort of an awakening. About a year ago a contact I had met called to sell several of his homes. I checked on the homes and he was the owner. I asked why he wanted to sell and he said he needed the funds to buy one home to bring his wife home from an assisted living facility and to provide care for her. She has Alzheimer's. He was sharp, knew his properties and the market. I went to meet him, he had all his papers in order and we continued to talk, agreed to price and other terms. I said this other person on the title for two of the properties needs to sign also. He said no problem it was his son. He had me call him. I spoke with the son who explained to me the father has dementia and possibly early signs of Alzheimer's and had to be declared incompetent to handle his finances. The father has a court appointed guardian. I was shocked, because this man in his early 70's was articulate and knowledgeable.
Yesterday I was out showing all day and returned to the office around 2:30 to pick up papers for a 4:00 pm meeting. I was there for a short bit and someone came and said he just put a man in the conference room because he was here to meet me. He had found the man trying to get into the main office on the first floor which was closed. I went to the conference room and this man was there. He calls me periodically to ask how the sale of his homes are going, pleasant chat. I do not mind I feel for him. I went to the conference room and we talked and I asked how did he get here. He said he drove and I know he is not suppose to be driving. He said he has been calling me for a few days and did not hear from me. He lives about 15 miles from my office I told him my phone was not working. He said he was worried something had happened. He wanted to know if his son signed the contract. I said no and maybe we need to call him. Do you have his number. He gives me his phone and I get the number and call. The son apologizes and I said do not worry. I told him his father was alright. He said how could he drive because the son had the car keys. The son said he would be there shortly.
I waited and knew I would never make the 4:00 pm appointment because I could not leave him alone. I called and said one of my client's had a medical emergency and I have to wait with him until family arrives. Not a good conversation so maybe the meeting was not meant to be. Will see when I call to reschedule.
The son and his wife came. The son asked how did you drive. The father laughed and said you thought you could lock me in by taking the car keys but I have copies. The father became agitated and the conversation changed tone and then the father shrank into a very quiet state. He was confused like at the end of our first meeting. I told the son he calls every so often. The son looked at the father's phone and I was not in the phone book. I said he must have the number written down. I told the son I do not mind him calling and I feel bad he came here because he could not reach me. The son's wife told me the doctor's believes the father is showing signs of Alzheimer's. I thought, both parents with the disease--the mother diagnosed at 67 and the father is now 73. They were appreciative and honestly I was happy he was safe.
It made me realize this man is fighting to control his life but his mind is working against him. He wants so desperately to be with his wife. Sadly, they will probably be together in the facility in the near future. The son says the mother does not remember any of the family except from time to time she knows her sister.
It made me realize how powerful the mind is, it controls beyond what we know. All the synapses, neurons, hormones are at play. When they work as they should the person is in control and happy. But too many times something begins to misfire, hormones become imbalanced and the neurons have been wired incorrectly. This man does not control or have the ability to change his destiny without a miracle. I thought of myself how my synapses and neurons have been wired from the abuse and triggers to feel as I do. These emotions impact the balance of hormones and chemicals--causing messages to be sent to me of my unworthiness and guilt and shame. So much more, too simplistic. But if science is right I can change the thinking through neuroplasticity which allows me to rewire the brain so my thoughts change. Why can't I stay on a path to make the change? I also thought, I do not want to end the memories of the abuse through any form of dementia, but before than so I can live life.
The family left but not before a small battle. The father wanted to drive the car and would not give up the key. The son's wife was able to get the key and she would drive the father-in-law home in his car and the son would follow in his car. The son and daughter-in-law kept apologizing. I said stop it, your father is doing the best he can and he is pleasure to talk with. As they were leaving the father said, Kevin I will get my son to sign the contract so we can get it sold and bring my wife home. It made me sad. He remembers his wife so well at times but cannot understand he cannot take care of himself and he soon will need full time care. I said let me know when you have it signed.
It put a perspective on life. How short life is. I still look back and say how he had such lucid moments and a memory and within minutes it was gone. Sometimes I wish my memory of the abuse and triggers were gone but now I know they never will be. I must live with them, accept them and rewire my thoughts so the mind begins to fire and snap in a way the brings joy and happiness. I also realize many would have dismissed this man but we never know what silent attacks are occurring within the mind or body. We need to show compassion and kindness. I reflect on my life and when I began to have flashbacks, nightmares, syncope, dissociation I wish I had people by me who gave me kindness, love and understanding. My world may have been different today. This man needs that support and I believe his family is there for him. I have the son's number and will check in periodically to see how he is doing.
I learned a valuable lesson yesterday.
Kevin
woodenshoes
Registrant
Kevin
Thats awesome. You will succeed to re-wire. It is important will doing that to tell yourself when your in front of a mirror you are a good person. That was a exercise my therapist had me do. Up to that point in my life i really had not acknowledge the boy within me was a good person and it was not all my fault the way things turned out. She made me do it daily for months then you start to feel better with yourself. So remember to tell yourself that you love him no matter what. That you will be by his side at all times. That you love him.
It is nice to see you doing better. The sun rises daily and shines warmth on you. Keep positive brother. Your winning.
Love
Ws
Thats awesome. You will succeed to re-wire. It is important will doing that to tell yourself when your in front of a mirror you are a good person. That was a exercise my therapist had me do. Up to that point in my life i really had not acknowledge the boy within me was a good person and it was not all my fault the way things turned out. She made me do it daily for months then you start to feel better with yourself. So remember to tell yourself that you love him no matter what. That you will be by his side at all times. That you love him.
It is nice to see you doing better. The sun rises daily and shines warmth on you. Keep positive brother. Your winning.
Love
Ws
WS
Thank you. It is strange this man is trying desperately to hold on and relive his memories and I am trying to put them in a place that is not intrusive or a part of my daily life. Strange how life experiences want to be either retained or discarded by people. Happy memories are ones we always wish to retain and have part of our life. The painful ones are the most difficult but I think he taught me something, no matter the memory it is part of us and how we choose to view and re-experience the memories will impact our lives. For him, the memories of his wife must have been good because he is fighting to keep her in his life. Sad, he may not have those memories in the near future.
I have gone back to affirmations and they help. I like the idea of adding an affirmation for the child within. I will start that tomorrow.
Take care and thank you.
Kevin
Thank you. It is strange this man is trying desperately to hold on and relive his memories and I am trying to put them in a place that is not intrusive or a part of my daily life. Strange how life experiences want to be either retained or discarded by people. Happy memories are ones we always wish to retain and have part of our life. The painful ones are the most difficult but I think he taught me something, no matter the memory it is part of us and how we choose to view and re-experience the memories will impact our lives. For him, the memories of his wife must have been good because he is fighting to keep her in his life. Sad, he may not have those memories in the near future.
I have gone back to affirmations and they help. I like the idea of adding an affirmation for the child within. I will start that tomorrow.
Take care and thank you.
Kevin
Question and need some help. I wrote about the "client" who has dementia and may be more who came to the office the other day when he is not suppose to be driving. He has been declared incompetent by the court. I feel for him but yesterday and today he has called at least 6 times and texted me from his pager 5 times. I do not mind talk with him because it is the same conversation--did I sell his house.......I do not want to encourage him and his son has no answer to the question. I do not want to hurt him because he is in a fragile state. I only answered the phone once and let the rest go to VM.
Thoughts on how to handle?
Thanks
Kevin
Thoughts on how to handle?
Thanks
Kevin
Hey Kevin,
I'm new to this site but yours was the first post I read.
I feel for you and understand you a bit as my situation was someone different but also related I guess you can say.
I know when I talk about things that happened they can cause memory triggers, so I know its not easy for some. But I wanted to say thank you for sharing because it helps me see that I'm not alone and also feel like I'm not alone. So thank you.
I'm new to this site but yours was the first post I read.
I feel for you and understand you a bit as my situation was someone different but also related I guess you can say.
I know when I talk about things that happened they can cause memory triggers, so I know its not easy for some. But I wanted to say thank you for sharing because it helps me see that I'm not alone and also feel like I'm not alone. So thank you.
ZellCT
I too am from Connecticut and that is where my abuse occurred.
I hope you are doing better and healing. I have turned a corner, a positive direction. For some reason I let others control my life with their lies of what happened. It pushed me to a low level of despair. I am learning those that push someone to this level are the ones who are lacking something in life and dealing with their own issues. I try to remember this so I never fall as low as I did. I am thankful to be here today.
We all have our story of what happened, we react differently to the abuse and triggers impact us differently. I can tell you I still cry when I tell the story. It happened yesterday in a telephone conversation. I think I am strong and then I talk of my abuse and I began to cry. I could feel the pain and see him. Maybe it is a good thing I can let the emotions out and hope one day the thought and talk of the abuse is not overcome with emotion.
I have learned I am not alone on this journey to heal, I just need to remember that. We are here for you.
Heal well and thank you for your words of support.
Kevin
I too am from Connecticut and that is where my abuse occurred.
I hope you are doing better and healing. I have turned a corner, a positive direction. For some reason I let others control my life with their lies of what happened. It pushed me to a low level of despair. I am learning those that push someone to this level are the ones who are lacking something in life and dealing with their own issues. I try to remember this so I never fall as low as I did. I am thankful to be here today.
We all have our story of what happened, we react differently to the abuse and triggers impact us differently. I can tell you I still cry when I tell the story. It happened yesterday in a telephone conversation. I think I am strong and then I talk of my abuse and I began to cry. I could feel the pain and see him. Maybe it is a good thing I can let the emotions out and hope one day the thought and talk of the abuse is not overcome with emotion.
I have learned I am not alone on this journey to heal, I just need to remember that. We are here for you.
Heal well and thank you for your words of support.
Kevin
