How it started...how it ended?

How it started...how it ended?
C

crisispoint

Registrant
I know how my abuse started when I was a child, and maybe later I'll get into it in Survivor Stories, but the problem now is how did I get away from him?

Thanks to repressing the memories, a lot of the abuse is in mental sepia tone - specific and real enough, but hazy about some details. Yes, I remember the start, how it progressed into true horror, domination, and control, but most of all I remember the sadness of a little boy who was so desperate for attention, affection acceptance from a father-figure that he was willing to put up with the "not right" stuff for what felt emotionally good.

The sadness is the worst part. I used to think it was shame even now, and for the little boy I was it WAS shame, but now it's sadness and I'll always weep for him. So alone then, so alone now.

But how it ended? I know that violence was involved (yes, there was one definite murder attempt that I KNOW was real), but there was another time, probably before I left middle school, long after the abuse ended regularly, that was violent, horrible, and a reminder of just "who was in charge" (that is the phrase I keep hearing in my head over and over again).

But they're different. Totally different. While I accept the basic truth of how the whole thing ended, that I got away, how can I know what happened, even covered by the menatal haze I accept?

*sigh*

Scot
 
scot - archaelogy of these events i svery hard indeed -
know that you survived - you are a good man - you are a brilliant mind -
your past is gone and you can help people so wonderfully -
and thank goodness you survived -
you are here now with all of us -
and it makes us
grateful
m
 
Scot - I was snared in a trap because I also thought it had the label 'attention/affection and acceptance' attached too it. In reality that label was written in a language foreign to me at the time...what it really said was 'abuse/betrayal and confusion'.

Scot - you did get away...you are here now.

I always blamed the boy part of me for allowing it to happen...it wasn't his fault and I have now forgiven him...this makes me feel so much better.

Please forgive yourself...that's how I started to loose the sadness ( i need to keep a little bit of it just so I don't forget what I have achieved).

Best wishes again Scot & please keep supporting others here - you do it well! ....Rik
 
Scot,

I'm sorry that you don't have the memory, and that it disturbs you so much. I try to maintain hope that all the memories that we do not have clearly, they will come to us in time, when our brain feels we are prepared for them. I hope that it is how it works for you, just as I hope it does that for me. Please try to have patience with yourself, and treat yourself well. I wish you well friend.

Leosha
 
Brother Scot,

These voids in our memories leave a lot of unaswered questions. Much grief in not knowing.

Having opened the door into my lost time, I seen enough to know why it would have been forgotten. The absolute terror that reigned. The force that was used. The being pushed onto. I have just looked into the door. I havent' been through it, just the stuff at the surface, knowing that there is more in there. I have yet to see a peek of the exit, how did it stop, why. Thank-god it did.

Take care Scot,
I'm here for you,
Bill
 
I've had to begin to accept that there are details that I may never know. That has been hard. I felt for a long time that I really needed to know all of it.

I've read posts about forgiving ourselves over and over again since I've been involved in this site. I don't think I ever really understood it until my T recently pointed out that while what happened to the child part of myself is unchangeable, there is another part that is judging me, blaming me for what happened in the past and what is happening now.

She pointed out that that is the part that can be changed and she urged me to begin practicing that change.

I think that is what forgiveness is about. It is at least for me.

I may remember more and more as time passes. I don't know the triggers I may encounter as I continue to live out my life but I believe that I can recover to the point where I can assimilate that information without being destroyed by it. I believe that I can eventually reach a level of acceptance that frees me from judging these things.
 
all I can say is "I know" at least as far as the starting point, as I am sure alot of us do. We were looking for something, attention affection. The need to be wanted. Certainly not what we got. So here we all are, tending to the boys inside us all, we are survivors. at least I am trying to see myself as that. Fight the fight, as strong men we will rise up and free the boys inside us all.... Be strong, for you.
Chris
 
It is terrible having memories that are just 'sorta there,' ther but not totally. They are hard on us all, but it is a defense mechanism, and we need to recognize it as that, and nothing more, or less. Just let the stuff come as it will, don't try to force it, or it may come too much too quickly, just remember in time you will remember it as we all will, and that is not our timing, it is our subconciousness' timing, to prtect us.

One thing that really hit me was about the really violent thing that happened after the abuse happened regularly. Just back in Sept I think that happened to me, one of my perps attacked me to remind me who has the power as he said, landed me in the hospital for nearly a month I was injured so badly. SOrry, just something that came to my head reading your post.

Good luck with you memories, and remember, don't force it, just 'go with the flow.'

scott
 
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