How I got to where I am today ( Trigger warning )

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This is my story as best I can remember. When I was 7 years old, an older family member started teaching me our little secret. He briefly put my penis in his mouth, and then it was my turn to reciprocate. These instances are still foggy, I remember it in little snapshots, smells, the feeling of him in my mouth, and the taste. That went on for a while and abruptly ended. From that point on I tried to insert sex in everything I did. I quickly realized other male friends did not like to be touched. I did have one friend that I hung out with often and we would experiment often. Mostly oral, tried anal, neither of us liked that, so we would masturbate and suck each other.

When I was around 13-14 years old I got a job mowing the lawn of an older woman. One day while adjusting myself, she ask what I was doing. I got a little scared but she assured me it was ok and natural. She invited into her house and had me relieve myself by masturbating in front of her. This happened every time I mowed her lawn, she enjoyed watching and I enjoyed performing.

As life went on, I was really confused. I never really felt like I fit in. Once on my own, I became a hard drinker and cocaine abuser. When I was drunk and high I would go out and hit up adult book stores with peep shows. Guy would lightly knock, come in and we would blow each other. I did this for a while, till about 30. The last time I had sex with a man was around that time. I met a friend of my brother and gave him a line in the bathroom. He suggested we go back to his place to party. When we got there we did lines and he threw a porno in the VHS machine. While watching he got up and went to the bathroom, I thought nothing about it. Next thing I know, he is in front of me buck naked with his dick right in front of my face. He said something to the effect of, you know you want it, go ahead and touch it. Without thought I leaned forward and took him into my mouth. We had oral sex and played with each other all night, no anal, no forcing, just mutual. That was 25 years ago.

Fast forward to today. I’m married to a great woman, who knows none of this. Great job and life. But the depression never left, I still never feel as though I fit in. I am in therapy and slowly learning that those early life experiences set me on a course whether I wanted to go down it or not. My faith in Christ is what has saved me. It gave me the strength all those years ago to stop living that dangerous lifestyle. Luckily I never caught any diseases, or contracted hiv. I am at peace with the fact that I am bisexual, and know I won’t indulge those urges any longer.

I am still struggling some, but getting better through prayer and therapy. I have done a lot of research on how the brain of a child is effected by sex abuse, or even sexual pleasure. We are not wired to understand it that early in life. I realize know that, that young man in my late teens to late 20’s, was not me. It was a man that was very confused, scared and finding his way through life, the best he knew how.

I have nothing against homosexuals, transgender, or what ever other orientation you define yourself with. I hope no one thinks that because of my faith. I love you all as Christ has loved us all. What ever you got going on is between you and him, I don’t judge, I just love, that’s what he asks of me.

That’s it in a nutshell, whoever reads this, and my Therapist are the only ones who know for now. One day I will have the courage to share my story and hopefully help young men avoid the pain I went through, God Bless you all.
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